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Blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her,"Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?"
Tags: joke, long distance blonde
Blonde Cooking Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...
MONDAY It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Tags: joke, blonde diary
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." David the milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.. I can splash it on my eyes."
Tags: joke, blonde pieces
Two indigenous Australians were driving their old EH Station wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!' The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.' The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case, We require you to give a blood sample.' 'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!' By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.' The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!' 'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that You whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!'
Tags: joke, aussie police
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the land rover you booked for speeding last week." Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
Tags: joke, got to love a nurse
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking. "It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock". Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car. "Where the hell did you get that?" Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy. "Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes." -- PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them." "Three," ? ... suggested Shaun. -- Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle. "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer. "Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me" said Paddy. The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey." ! he spluttered. "Lord bless me."! said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."
-- On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle. "What's it for?" asked Paddy. "It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman. Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
Tags: joke, to be sure to be sure its irish
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty. -- Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble. "Is that you Murphy?" called his wife. "Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
-- Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above. "To be sure I am," replied Murphy. "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher. "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
--
Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question. "First, what's your name and occupation?" the compere asked. "Pass", came the reply.
Tags: joke, too be sure its Irish
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!" --
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
Tags: joke, to be sure its Irish
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day the camel suddenly dropped down dead without any warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After along period of silence, the priest spoke. 'Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the priest replied, lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life.' 'Is that true father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get out of here.'
Tags: joke, heat of the moment
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