|
Viewing 19 - 27 out of 139 Blogs.
| Page:
|
|
3 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes."
Tags: joke, widows promise
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent all set up, firewood gathered, and a dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and the wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took me by the hand and pulled me to the bedroom. The room had candles lit and had rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She then told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, which I did. And then she said; "Do whatever you want." So, here I am.
Tags: joke, weekend trip
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring down out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Tags: joke, who needs a pusher at 3am
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!
Tags: joke, throwing in the towel
Household chores On a more lighter note I thought some of you might like this one: How to Clean the House 1.Open a new folder on your PC. 2.Name it "Housework." 3.Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4.Empty the Recycle Bin. 5.Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6.Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly. 7.Feel better?
Tags: joke, household chores
Cardiologists Funeral A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist. The vicar fainted.
Tags: joke, funeral of a cardiologist
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in a short while my father will pass away, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Obviously impressed, the woman asked him for his businesscard and three days later, she married his father. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Tags: joke,foresight
A stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign; "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. "Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner. "That's him," comes the reply. "He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign up?" "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Tags: jokes, beware of the dog
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.'
Tags: jokes, three blokes in a bar
| Page:
|
|
3 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
