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Viewing 37 - 45 out of 139 Blogs.
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Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents. 10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost. 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
Tags: joke, things not to say
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Tags: joke, personal ads
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Tags: joke, workaholic debate
There are only 2 things in life to worry about. Whether you are well or whether you are sick. If you are well you have nothing to worry about. If you are sick then you have 2 things to worry about. Will you get better or will you die. If you get better you have nothing to worry about. If you die there are 2 things to worry about, will you go to heaven or will you go to hell. If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about, if you go to hell you'll be so darn busy shaking hands with all your mates you won't have time to worry
Tags: joke, two things
There are over 37 million nerves in the human body. My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
My ex-wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was so embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of a new sex position called the "rodeo." His friend replied, "No, what is it?" "Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands," he explained. "Then you say, 'Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's' and see if you can hang on for eight seconds!"
My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate......
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Tags: joke, cornucopia lowly funnies
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home" Susie says, "We need a computer" Wendy says, "We need a car" Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss" Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?" "No Miss, my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
Tags: Joke, classroom questions our needs
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy... "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The patient damn near exploded!" Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Tags: joke, confused nurse
In the back woods of a rural town, Mrs. Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Sir!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Tags: joke, gone into labor
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!" The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." "What's that?" asks the bartender." "fifty cents!"
Tags: joke,cowboy in a bar
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