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REMINDER FROM GOD:
Where Is God When Life Hurts?
"God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.'"1
A Daily Encounter reader asks, "How do I know when God is talking to me? I am so confused and I need so much help. My life is so hard and bad each day. I pray for guidance and wisdom and I don't know if God hears me, or if he still loves me. I don't feel that anyone loves me anymore."
Dear Jane (name changed), actually, God is continually broadcasting his love, power and blessings to all of us. The problem lies with our reception. It's the cloud layers of our unresolved personal issues that block our feeling God's love and being aware of his presence. These same issues stop us from feeling loved by others. In other words, it's negative feelings that get in the way—any one or more of a number of feelings of super-charged, repressed negative emotions such as unresolved hurt, grief, anger, resentment, jealousy, and/or a lack of forgiveness, plus fear of what God might want us to do or not do, or even guilt if we are living a life that we know is out of harmony with God's will.
First, to overcome, we can know what God is saying by reading and studying his Word, the Bible. All the directions we need for wholesome living are there, we just need to read and study the Bible so we know what God's Word says, accept it by faith regardless of our feelings, and live in harmony with his directives. Furthermore, as long as our life is committed to God and we have accepted Jesus as our Savior, we have Christ's promise that he will never—not ever—leave us or forsake us.2 Again, we need to believe this in spite of what we may or may not feel.
Second, God's Word also says, "The Lord is near to all who call on him; to all who call on him in truth."3 So if we are going to feel/know/experience God's presence and "hear" what he is saying to us, it is essential when praying that we are totally honest with ourselves and with God and confess to him exactly what is going on in our life and how we feel. We also need to ask God to keep guiding us on the path to truth so we will see any barrier in our life that may be blocking our experiencing his presence and love.
Keep in mind, too, that Jesus also said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."4 So, as long as there is any area in our life where we don't feel free, we can be certain that there is some truth (or truths) we are not seeing and confronting. Once you see this truth, you will know what you need to do to put matters right.
Finally, you also said that you don't feel that anyone loves you anymore. More often than not, it's the negative feelings mentioned above, most of which are caused by impaired significant relationships (anywhere from yesteryear to early childhood), that stop our feeling loved by both God and people. When we resolve these negative emotions, confess our sins to God and to at least one safe friend or counselor,5 forgive any and all who have ever hurt us, and resolve any and all significant impaired relationships, we not only feel loved by people again but also by God. When we have unresolved impaired relationships and negative emotions (which may be repressed from conscious memory), most of us need a well-trained and capable counselor to help guide us through this healing process.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for the instructions for creative living you have given in your Word, the Bible. Please give me a love for studying your Word, the help I need to understand it, and the courage to live by the directives as found therein. And lead me to the help I need to resolve all of my negative emotions and impaired relationships so I will know and experience your presence and love as well as feeling love for and from others. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Acts 17:27-28 (NIV).
2. See Hebrews 13:5.
3. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).
4. John 8:32 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
pod·cast
noun 'päd-?kast
Definition of PODCAST
: a program (as of music or talk) made available in digital format for automatic download over the Internet
— podcast verb
— pod·cast·er noun
Origin of PODCAST
iPod, trademark for a portable media player + broadcast
First Known Use: 2004
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RECIPE:
Mushroom "Bruschetta" Chicken Skillet
time
prep: 15 min
total: 46 min
servings
total: 4 servings
What You Need
1 lb. mixed fresh mushrooms (white button, shiitake, cremini), coarsely chopped
1 onion, finely chopped
1/4 cup KRAFT Classic Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing made with Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme
4 small boneless skinless chicken breast halves (1 lb.)
1/2 cup KRAFT 2% Milk Shredded Italian* Three Cheese Blend
1 Tbsp. coarsely chopped fresh chives
Make It
COOK mushrooms and onions in large nonstick skillet on medium-high heat 10 min., stirring occasionally.
ADD dressing, garlic and thyme; cook 5 to 7 min. or until mushrooms are tender, stirring frequently. Transfer to bowl; cover to keep warm. Add chicken to skillet; cook 5 min. on each side or until done (165ºF).
TOP chicken with mushrooms and cheese; cover. Cook 2 to 4 min. or until cheese is melted; sprinkle with chives.
Kitchens Tips
Healthy Living
Save 30 calories per serving by preparing with KRAFT Light Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing.
Serving Suggestion
Serve with a mixed green salad.
Substitute
Substitute 1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves for the fresh thyme.
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Mini Cheddar Loaves
It's hard to believe you need only four ingredients to bake up a batch of these beautiful miniature loaves. 'Sliced warm from the oven, this golden bread is simple and delicious.
Servings: 12
Ingredients
3 1/2 cups biscuit/baking mix
2 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
2 eggs
1 1/4 cups milk
Directions
1. In a large bowl, combine biscuit mix and cheese. Beat eggs and milk; stir into cheese mixture just until moistened. Pour into four greased and floured 5-3/4-in. x 3-in. x 2-in. loaf pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes. Remove from pans; slice and serve warm.
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Marmalade-Glazed Steaks
Marmalade and mustard? They may sound like strange bedfellows, but this tasty main course proves they’re a match made in heaven.
Prep/Total Time: 20 min.
Yield: 4 Servings
Ingredients
1/2 cup orange marmalade
2 tablespoons spicy brown mustard
2 tablespoons cold butter
1 beef top sirloin steak (1-1/4 pounds), cut into four steaks
2 green onions, chopped
Directions
In a small saucepan, heat marmalade and mustard over low heat. Whisk in butter until melted. Set aside 1/4 cup glaze for serving.
Broil steaks 4 in. from the heat for 5-7 minutes on each side or until meat reaches desired doneness (for medium-rare, a meat thermometer should read 145°; medium, 160°; well-done, 170°), basting occasionally with remaining glaze.
Spoon reserved glaze over steaks; sprinkle with onions. Yield: 4 servings.
Nutritional Facts 1 steak equals 338 calories, 11 g fat (6 g saturated fat), 72 mg cholesterol, 225 mg sodium, 27 g carbohydrate, trace fiber, 31 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 4 lean meat, 1-1/2 starch, 1 fat.
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Lemon Meringue Pie
A very sweet pie that's an old favorite. Make this on a dry winter day; meringue doesn't fare well in hot, humid weather.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Lemon Filling:
1-1/2 cups white sugar
1-1/2 cups water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cornstarch mixed with 1/3 cup water
4 egg yolks, slightly beaten
1/2 cup lemon juice
3 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
Meringue:
4 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup white sugar
1 baked 9-inch pie shell
To make the filling, combine the 1-1/2 cups sugar, 1-1/2 cups water, and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a heavy saucepan or the top of a double boiler. Bring to a boil. Mix the cornstarch with the 1/3 cup water and add to the boiling mixture slowly, stirring constantly. Cook until thickened and clear. Remove from the heat. Stir in the egg yolks and lemon juice. Return the mixture to the heat and stir until it begins to bubble. Remove from the heat and stir in the butter and lemon zest. Cover and cool until lukewarm.
To make the meringue, combine the egg whites, cream of tartar, and 1/4 teaspoon salt and beat until frothy. Gradually add the 1/2 cup sugar, beating until glossy peaks form when you lift the beater.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Pour the filling into the pie shell. Pile on the meringue, spreading to touch the edge of the crust. Bake for 15 minutes, or until lightly browned. Cool on a rack for 1 hour. Chill for at least 4 hours before serving. This is best served the day it is made.
If you prefer not to make a meringue with raw egg whites, substitute whipped cream for the egg white topping. Pipe sweetened whipped cream onto the pie just before serving.
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Lemon Cheesecake
Cake mix is the secret to an easy press-in-the-pan cookie-like crust and a foolproof cream cheese filling.
PREP TIME 15 Min
TOTAL TIME 6 Hr 50 Min
SERVINGS 16
Crust
1 box Betty Crocker® SuperMoist® yellow cake mix
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
1 teaspoon grated lemon peel
Filling
2 packages (8 oz each) cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup sugar
3 containers (3.5 oz each) lemon pudding (from 4-pack container)
1/2 cup sour cream
3 eggs
2 cups frozen (thawed) whipped topping
1 Heat oven to 300°F. Spray bottom and side of 10-inch springform pan with baking spray with flour. Wrap foil around outside of pan to catch drips. Reserve 1/4 cup of the cake mix; set aside. In large bowl, beat remaining cake mix, oil, 1 egg and lemon peel with electric mixer on low speed until crumbly. Press in bottom and 1 inch up side of pan.
2 In same large bowl, beat reserved cake mix, the cream cheese, sugar, pudding and sour cream on medium speed until smooth and creamy. Beat in 3 eggs, one at a time, until mixed. Pour over crust.
3 Bake 1 hour 20 minutes to 1 hour 35 minutes or until edges are set but center of cheesecake jiggles slightly when moved. Turn oven off; open oven door at least 4 inches. Leave cheesecake in oven 30 minutes longer.
4 Remove cheesecake from oven; place on cooling rack. Without releasing side of pan, run knife around edge of pan to loosen cheesecake. Cool in pan on cooling rack 30 minutes. Cover loosely; refrigerate 4 hours or overnight. Remove side of pan before serving. Pipe or spoon whipped topping around outside edge of cheesecake. Store covered in refrigerator.
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Onion Chicken Nuggets
Create a tasty sensation by breading your own nuggets and offer a delicious option for your family and friends.
Serves: 10 as an appetizer, 6 as a main dish
Prep. time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 15 minutes
1 envelope (about 1 ounce) dry onion soup mix
2/3 cup dry bread crumbs
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper
1 egg or 2 egg whites
2 tbsp. water
12 boneless chicken thighs (about 1 1/2 lbs.) cut into 1-inch pieces or 6 boneless chicken breast halves
butter
Heat the oven to 400°F.
Crush the soup mix in the envelope with a rolling pin. Stir the soup mix, bread crumbs and black pepper on a plate.
Beat the egg and water in a shallow dish with a fork or whisk. Dip the chicken in the egg mixture. Coat with the crumb mixture. Place the chicken onto a baking sheet. Drizzle with the butter, if desired.
Bake for 15 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through.
Tip: This recipe makes 6 main dish servings.
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JOKES:
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.
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Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father..'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
**********************************************
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school .
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" She answers !
Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?â€
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!â€
**********************************************
A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.
The Mountie asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.
About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's willyhanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!
**********************************************
WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .
unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would Like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember....
...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR .
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED !!!
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Proofreading is a Dying Art
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Now, how do you do that?
________________________________________
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya' think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
******************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Child-Like Faith
"In God I trust; I will not be afraid."1
Cindy traveled across America and in Australia with the Youth Aflame Singers. In one home where she stayed there was a boy of about seven or eight. When Cindy saw him reading a Bible with large print and holding it close to his eyes, she asked, "Are you okay, Jamie?"
"I sure am," Jamie replied confidentially even though he was going blind. "God says, 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.' And even though I am losing my sight, I know that God will always direct my paths because I trust in him."
Trusting God in the light where you can see where you are going is certainly easier than trusting God in the dark.
When in the dark I always pray, "God, I'm afraid. I can't see what lies ahead, but I commit and trust my life and way to you. No matter how dark the night, I pray that I will also have child-like faith and trust in you."
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, no matter what, I choose to always trust in you. Please help my feelings to catch up with my choice to trust in you so that my faith will always be much stronger than, and overcome, all of my fear/s. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Psalm 56:11 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
ap·par·i·tor
noun ?-'per-?-t?r, -'pa-r?
Definition of APPARITOR
: an official formerly sent to carry out the orders of a magistrate, judge, or court
Origin of APPARITOR
Latin, from apparere
First Known Use: 15th century
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RECIPE:
Grilled Double-Cheese and Bacon Sandwiches
Grilled cheese sandwiches--actually cooked on the grill--taste smoky good and extra rich with added bacon and two kinds of cheese.
PREP TIME 25 Min
SERVINGS 4
8 slices bacon
4 (1/4-inch-thick) slices red onion
4 (3/4-oz.) slices Cheddar cheese
4 (3/4-oz.) slices mozzarella cheese
8 (1/2-inch-thick) slices sourdough or Vienna bread
DIRECTIONS
1 Heat closed contact grill for 5 minutes.
2 When grill is heated, place bacon on bottom grill surface. (If necessary, cook 4 slices at a time.) Close grill; cook 3 to 4 minutes or until browned. Remove bacon from grill; drain on paper towels. Cut bacon slices in half crosswise.
3 With rubber scraper, carefully scrape most of drippings from grill into drip tray. Add onion to grill. Close grill; cook 4 to 6 minutes or until tender.
4 To make sandwiches, layer Cheddar cheese, cooked bacon, onion and mozzarella cheese between bread slices. Place 2 sandwiches on bottom grill surface. Close grill; cook 3 to 5 minutes or until bread is toasted and cheese is melted. Repeat with remaining sandwiches.
Expert Tips
You can use almost any bread you have on hand for this sandwich. We've called for sourdough or Vienna because these are firm textured and grill well. Other good choices include Italian bread, large French bread slices or country French bread slices.
These sandwiches are great for lunch or supper. For lunch, serve them with cut-up fresh vegetables and fruit. For supper, add deli potato salad and pickles.
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Luscious Cream Puffs
time
prep: 15 min
total: 45 min
servings
total: 9 servings
What You Need
1 sheet frozen puff pastry (1/2 of 17.3-oz. pkg.), thawed
1 pkg. (3.4 oz.) JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding
1 cup cold milk
1/2 cup thawed COOL WHIP Whipped Topping
1 square BAKER'S Semi-Sweet Chocolate
Make It
HEAT oven to 400ºF.
UNFOLD pastry on lightly floured surface; roll into 10-inch square. Cut into 9 circles with 3-inch cookie cutter. Place, 2 inches apart, on baking sheet. Bake 10 min. Remove to wire racks; cool completely.
MEANWHILE, beat pudding mix and milk in medium bowl with whisk 2 min. Stir in COOL WHIP. Refrigerate 15 min.
MELT chocolate as directed on package. Split pastry rounds; fill with pudding mixture. Drizzle with chocolate.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Variation
Prepare using JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Fat Free Sugar Free Instant Pudding, fat-free milk and COOL WHIP LITE Whipped Topping.
Variation
Prepare using JELL-O White Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding.
Substitute
Prepare using 1 pkg. (3.9 oz.) JELL-O Chocolate Instant Pudding.
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Louisiana Crab Cakes
Fresh crabmeat patties are coated with cracker crumbs, browned in oil and served with tangy mustard sauce for a superb seafood entree.
time
prep: 30 min
total: 1 hr 30 min
servings
total: 5 servings, 2 crab cakes each
what you need
1 lb. fresh crabmeat, well picked over
1/2 cup finely chopped red pepper
1/4 cup finely chopped onion
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 tsp. hot pepper sauce
27 RITZ Crackers, finely crushed (about 1 cup), divided
2 Tbsp. GREY POUPON Dijon Mustard
1/2 cup KRAFT Ranch Dressing
1/4 cup oil
Make It
MIX crabmeat, peppers, onions, eggs, pepper sauce and 1/2 cup of the cracker crumbs. Cover. Refrigerate 1 hour or until firm. Meanwhile, mix mustard and dressing; cover. Refrigerate until ready to use.
SHAPE crab mixture into 10 (1-inch-thick) patties; coat with remaining cracker crumbs.
HEAT oil in large heavy skillet on medium heat. Add crab cakes, in batches; cook 3 to 5 minutes on each side or until golden brown on both sides. Remove to paper towels to drain. Serve warm with the mustard mixture.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Serving Suggestion
Serve these tasty crab cakes with your favorite hot steamed vegetable.
How to Crush Crackers
To easily crush crackers into crumbs, process the crackers with a blender or food processor. Or, place the crackers in a heavy resealable plastic bag and crush with a rolling pin.
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Lemon Pie Bars
Servings: 32
Ingredients
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
1 cup butter, softened
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1/2 cup lemon juice
1 tablespoon lemon zest
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Mix 2 cups of flour and confectioner's sugar together. Cut in the butter or margarine. Mix well until the dough resembles pie dough consistency. Press the dough into a 9x13 inch baking pan.
3. Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown.
4. Beat together eggs, sugar, 4 tablespoons flour, lemon juice and lemon rind for at least 1 minute. Pour the mixture over the baked crust.
5. Bake the bars another 20 minutes, or until the lemon topping has set. Sprinkle with confectioner's sugar when cooled.
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Marinated Tennessee Hickory Flank Steak
Once you taste this marinated flank steak, you'll never want to make flank steak any other way!
Rate This Recipe Serves: 4
Prep. time: 5 minutes
Cooking time: marinate 4 hours, cook 10-15 minutes
1/2 cup Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Hickory Mesquite Grilling sauce
1/4 cup red wine
1. Place steak in large zip top bag.
2. Combine Grilling Sauce with red wine; pour mixture over steak. Seal bag and turn several times to coat steak.
3. Marinate 4 to 24 hours in refrigerator, turning several times. Discard marinade.
4. Grill steak over medium heat to desired doneness, turning and brushing with additional sauce.
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Marinated Pork Loin
Servings: 5
Ingredients
1/2 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth
1/2 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 (2 pound) boneless pork loin roast
Directions
1. In a saucepan, combine the first nine ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat; cool slightly. Place 2/3 cup marinade in a bowl for basting; cover and chill. Pour remaining marinade into a large resealable plastic bag. Cut pork into five slices, about 1 in. each; add to bag. Seal and turn to coat; refrigerate overnight.
2. Drain and discard marinade. Place pork on a broiler pan coated with nonstick cooking spray. Broil 4 in. from the heat for 10 minutes on each side or until juices run clear, brushing with reserved marinade and turning occasionally.
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JOKES:
They call it Oz
In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.
Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard."
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There was this guy that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He began to have a conversation with the bartender and he went from one beer to several more. After a couple of hours the man realized that he had to piss. At this point he was falling down drunk.
He asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied, "Down the hall, the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right."
The man then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the man had went through the wrong door.
He went to check on the man and coming closer to the first door he could hear the man's yells for help. He opened the door and asked the man if he was all right.
The man replied, "I am fine. Just don't flush the toilet!"
**********************************************
Bear Facts
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."
The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."
The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."
The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."
So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."
But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."
The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."
The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbiturate."
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What Time Does The Bar Open?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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New Dog Cross Breeds -
Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow.
The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter.
The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund.
The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel.
The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever.
The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound.
The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador.
The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer.
The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute.
The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier.
The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
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You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You're up to four heart attacks a day.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!
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You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Revelation 13:4
(4) So they worshiped the dragon who gave authority to the beast; and they worshiped the beast, saying, "Who is like the beast? Who is able to make war with him?"
This is a system that puts people in fear. It manipulates and controls to its own advantage—not to the good of the governed, but its own. It has an attitude that hates people and likes destruction. It is adversarial.
Now contrast that with sheep, and especially with a lamb. They must be the most docile of all animals. Biblically, a lamb symbolizes gentleness, innocence, sometimes a childlike vulnerability. It is not aggressive. It is easily led and controlled by a shepherd.
Christ symbolically is the Lamb of God (John 1:29, 36). "Lamb" is used in reference to Jesus Christ twenty-seven times in the book of Revelation. The Beast is an adversary of Christ, and exudes not gentleness, not goodness, not kindness, not innocence, but all of the opposites of those traits.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
ap·pa·ri·tion
noun ?a-p?-'ri-sh?n
Definition of APPARITION
1
a : an unusual or unexpected sight : phenomenon b : a ghostly figure
2
: the act of becoming visible : appearance
— ap·pa·ri·tion·al adjective
See apparition defined for English-language learners »
See apparition defined for kids »
Examples of APPARITION
Origin of APPARITION
Middle English apparicioun, from Anglo-French aparicion, from Late Latin apparition-, apparitio appearance, from Latin apparere
First Known Use: 15th century
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Keeping the Noise Level Reasonable
Parrots are noisy creatures. When people say that a
particular species is quiet, it means that it's just not
as noisy as the other kinds. There's the squawking and
the trilling and the talking… but the really grating part
(maybe you don't mind it, but I'm sure your neighbors do)
is the screeching. The noise is something you really have
to live with, but it doesn't have to be at a ridiculous level.
How do you keep the noise to a low roar?
Keepin mind that birds scream to get attention. If
your parrot is the kind that wants a lot of attention,
then you should be ready to give the little bugger just
that. Otherwise, you really have no business owning
such a bird. Start right. Since you really seem to
care about the noise, perhaps you should get one of
the quieter birds.
Observe your parrot to be able to distinguish which
sounds mean what. The more you understand
what it is trying to communicate, the better
you can respond to it; the noise making won't
be prolonged.
Do not reply to screeching with screeches of
your own. Your bird picks up on your own mood.
If you respond in calm, soothing tones, your parrot
will be less inclined to continue screaming.
Set a regular "noisy time†(ideally when
your neighbors are away at work). Knowing that
there is a specific time for letting rip will convince
your parrot to be quieter at other times.
It's one thing to respond to your parrot's needs,
but if you know that you are not being negligent
and your bird still screams, some discipline is in
order, in which case, you shouldn't give in
to screaming. That you could be bull dozed by
loud noises is a very easy lesson for your parrot to
learn.
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RECIPE:
Down-Home Crab Cakes
Canned crabmeat is mixed with barbecue sauce and green onions for down-home taste. Serve the crab cakes on a bun as part of lunch or dinner.
time
prep: 15 min
total: 2 hr 25 min
servings
total: 4 servings, 2 crab cakes each
what you need
2 cans (6 oz. each) crabmeat, well drained, flaked
1 cup seasoned dry bread crumbs, divided
1/3 cup MIRACLE WHIP Dressing
1 egg, lightly beaten
2 Tbsp. KRAFT Original Barbecue Sauce
2 Tbsp. green onion slices
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine
Make It
MIX crabmeat, 1/4 cup of the bread crumbs, the mayo, egg, barbecue sauce and onion until well blended; cover. Refrigerate 2 hours.
SHAPE crabmeat mixture into 8 patties; coat with remaining 3/4 cup bread crumbs. Spray each patty on both sides with cooking spray.
MELT butter in large skillet on medium heat. Add patties; cook 4 to 5 min. on each side or until firm and golden brown on both sides.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Substitute
Prepare as directed, substituting KRAFT Real Mayo Mayonnaise for the MIRACLE WHIP Dressing.
Keeping It Safe
Canned crabmeat may contain tiny pieces of shell, so use your fingers to pick over the crabmeat before adding to a recipe.
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Grilled Ham, Cheese and Apple Sandwiches
Crisp, cheesy skillet sandwiches ready in 20 minutes! Wrap the bread with ham or turkey, apple, arugula layered with cheese slices. Perfect if you love Italian cuisine.
full spoonfull spoonfull spoonfull spoonfull spoon
PREP TIME 20 Min
TOTAL TIME 20 Min
SERVINGS 4
1/3 cup mayonnaise or salad dressing
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
8 slices Italian bread, 1/2 inch thick
2 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
1/2 lb thinly sliced cooked ham (from deli)
1 medium apple, peeled, thinly sliced
1 cup arugula or spinach
4 thin slices onion, if desired
4 slices (1 oz each) Swiss cheese
1 In small bowl, mix mayonnaise and garlic. Spread 1 side of each bread slice with butter; spread mayonnaise mixture on unbuttered side. On each of 4 bread slices, buttered sides down, layer ham, apple, arugula, onion, cheese and remaining bread slices, buttered sides up.
2 Heat 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium-low heat 3 to 5 minutes. Place sandwiches in hot skillet; cook uncovered 6 to 9 minutes, turning once, until bread is crisp and cheese is melted.
Expert Tips
Substitute fresh spinach for the arugula.
Try another cheese other than Swiss, such as provolone or Cheddar, or turkey instead of ham.
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Grilled Garlic Steak Salad
Beef up your grilled dinner options with a meaty salad. You'll find a feast for the eyes and the satisfaction of a flavorful meal.
PREP TIME 30 Min
TOTAL TIME 30 Min
SERVINGS 6
Spicy Garlic Dressing
1/3 cup olive or vegetable oil
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon chopped fresh or 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano leaves
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
Salad
1-pound beef boneless sirloin steak, 1 to 1 1/2 inches thick
1 large red or yellow bell pepper, cut into strips
1 cup sliced mushrooms (3 ounces)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
6 cups bite-size pieces salad greens
1 Heat coals or gas grill for direct heat. In tightly covered container, shake all dressing ingredients; reserve 1/4 cup.
2 Cover and grill beef over medium heat 15 to 20 minutes, turning once, until desired doneness. In medium bowl, toss bell pepper and mushrooms with 2 tablespoons of the dressing; place in grill basket. Cover and grill vegetables 5 minutes, shaking grill basket to turn vegetables occasionally, until bell pepper is crisp-tender.
3 Sprinkle beef with salt and pepper; cut into 1/4-inch slices. Toss beef and reserved 1/4 cup dressing. In large bowl, place salad greens, vegetables and beef.
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Hot Crabmeat Puffs
These savory cream puffs are filled with a cream cheese, crab and almond mixture and baked for an elegant hot appetizer.
time
prep: 45 min
total: 1 hr 30 min
servings
total: About 3 dozen cream puffs or 36 servings, 1 cream puff each
What You Need
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine
1/2 cup flour
2 eggs
1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
1 Tbsp. milk
1/2 tsp. KRAFT Prepared Horseradish
1/4 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 pkg. (8 oz.) imitation crabmeat, drained, flaked
1/3 cup PLANTERS Slivered Almonds, toasted
2 Tbsp. finely chopped onion
Make It
PREHEAT oven to 400°F. Place water and butter in medium saucepan. Bring to boil. Add flour; mix well. Reduce heat to low. Cook until mixture forms a ball, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating with wooden spoon after each addition until well blended. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls of dough onto lightly greased baking sheets.
BAKE 30 to 35 minutes or until golden brown. Immediately remove from baking sheets to wire racks. Reduce oven temperature to 375°F.
MIX cream cheese, milk, horseradish, salt and pepper in medium bowl until well blended. Add imitation crabmeat, almonds and onion; mix lightly. Cut tops from cream puffs; fill with the crabmeat mixture. Replace tops. Return to baking sheets. Bake an additional 10 minutes or until heated through.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Make Ahead
Bake and fill cream puffs as directed. Wrap tightly in foil; freeze up to 2 months. When ready to serve, bake, unwrapped, at 375°F for 30 minutes or until heated through. No need to thaw before baking.
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Grilled Double-Cheese and Bacon Sandwiches
Grilled cheese sandwiches--actually cooked on the grill--taste smoky good and extra rich with added bacon and two kinds of cheese.
PREP TIME 25 Min
SERVINGS 4
8 slices bacon
4 (1/4-inch-thick) slices red onion
4 (3/4-oz.) slices Cheddar cheese
4 (3/4-oz.) slices mozzarella cheese
8 (1/2-inch-thick) slices sourdough or Vienna bread
DIRECTIONS
1 Heat closed contact grill for 5 minutes.
2 When grill is heated, place bacon on bottom grill surface. (If necessary, cook 4 slices at a time.) Close grill; cook 3 to 4 minutes or until browned. Remove bacon from grill; drain on paper towels. Cut bacon slices in half crosswise.
3 With rubber scraper, carefully scrape most of drippings from grill into drip tray. Add onion to grill. Close grill; cook 4 to 6 minutes or until tender.
4 To make sandwiches, layer Cheddar cheese, cooked bacon, onion and mozzarella cheese between bread slices. Place 2 sandwiches on bottom grill surface. Close grill; cook 3 to 5 minutes or until bread is toasted and cheese is melted. Repeat with remaining sandwiches.
Expert Tips
You can use almost any bread you have on hand for this sandwich. We've called for sourdough or Vienna because these are firm textured and grill well. Other good choices include Italian bread, large French bread slices or country French bread slices.
These sandwiches are great for lunch or supper. For lunch, serve them with cut-up fresh vegetables and fruit. For supper, add deli potato salad and pickles.
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Italian Chop Salad in Shells
Enjoy pasta salad appetizer in a new way – perfect if you love Italian cuisine.
PREP TIME 40 Min
TOTAL TIME 55 Min
SERVINGS 36
1 package (16 ounces) jumbo pasta shells
4 cups chopped romaine
1/2 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
1 cup coarsely chopped cooked chicken
1 large tomato, coarsely chopped (1 cup)
1 medium cucumber, coarsely chopped (3/4 cup)
1 package (3 ounces) Italian salami, chopped
1/3 cup roasted garlic Italian vinaigrette
1 Cook pasta shells as directed on package; drain and cool.
2 Place remaining ingredients except vinaigrette in medium bowl. Pour vinaigrette over salad; toss to coat.
3 Stuff shells with salad. Cover and refrigerate up to 2 hours before serving.
Expert Tips
You can use 3 ounces of pepperoni, chopped, instead of the Italian salami.
The pasta shells can be cooked ahead and refrigerated. Cook as directed on package; drain, rinse under cold water and drain again. Toss with a teaspoon of vegetable oil. Refrigerate in a tightly covered container or resealable plastic food-storage bag up to 2 to 3 days.
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JOKES:
Drunken master
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket.
The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?"
"I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I'll go home!"
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Visitation
A black, a Rabbi, a Pollock, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar.
The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "So which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
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Cables Can Be Trouble
So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."
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The Pony
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
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Ear today...
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies.
"Do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one `ere."
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Mirror mirror
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!
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These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'Yo, fat f***** cu** of a bear, get your stinking a** out off this hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the it. Easy as that."
"O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, and is generally a mess. So the other hunter yells "What the happened to you man?!"
"Aargh", says the other one " I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that bear and guess what happened?"
"What?"
"A train came out."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
History of Mother's Day
While the Mother's Day we celebrate is a fairly recent development, the basic idea goes back to ancient mythology—to the long ago civilizations of the Greeks and Romans.
The Greeks paid annual homage to Cybele, the mother figure of their gods, and the Romans dedicated an annual spring festival to the mother of their gods.
Mothering Sunday
In 16th century England a celebration called "Mothering Sunday" was inaugurated—a Sunday set aside for visiting one's mother. The eldest son or daughter would bring a "mothering cake," which would be cut and shared by the entire family. Family reunions were the order of the day, with sons and daughters assuming all household duties and preparing a special dinner in honor of their mother. Sometime during the day the mother would attend special church services with her family.
Julia Ward Howe
Here in America, in 1872, Julia Ward Howe, famous author who fought for abolition, women's rights, and world peace, suggested that June 2 be set aside to honor mothers in the name of world peace. The idea died a quick death. Nothing new happened in this department until 1907, when a Miss Anna M. Jarvis, of Philadelphia, took up the banner.
Anna M. Jarvis
Miss Jarvis had invited a few close friends to attend church services with her in memory of her departed mother. Thus was born the idea that the second Sunday in May be set aside to honor all mothers, dead or alive. Jarvis, the 'mother' of Mother's Day, bombarded public figures and various civic organizations with telegrams, letters, and in-person discussions. She addressed groups large and small. At her own expense, she wrote, printed, and distributed booklets extolling her idea.
Her efforts came to the attention of the mayor of Philadelphia, who proclaimed a local Mother's Day. From the local level she went on to Washington, D.C. The politicians there knew a good thing when they saw it and were quick to lend verbal support.
West Virginia was the first state to officially adopt the holiday, and others followed suit. Proclamation of the day by the various states led Representative J. Thomas Heflin of Alabama and Senator Morris Sheppard of Texas to present a joint resolution to Congress that Mother's Day be observed nation-wide. The resolution was passed by both houses.
Mother's Day Today
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill designating the second Sunday in May as a legal holiday to be called "Mother's Day"—dedicated "to the best mother in the world, your mother." For the first few years, the day was observed as a legal holiday, but in absolute simplicity and reverence—church services were held in honor of all mothers, living and dead. In many ways family observance much resembled that of the British version of "Mothering Sunday."
And what of Anna M. Jarvis? She died in 1948 in a sanatorium in West Chester, Pennsylvania—a lonely forgotten woman. She left this world with bitterness and regret, wishing that her name had never become associated with Mother's Day.
She spent half her life fighting for a special "day" for mothers; the other half fighting against it!
Tags: Mothers day
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Facts Versus Feelings
"If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success."1
Old habits and old beliefs die hard. For centuries people believed Aristotle's opinion that the heavier an object was, the faster it would fall to earth.
According to a report I read, in 1589 Galileo challenged Aristotle's teaching. He invited learned professors to the base of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Galileo went to the top of the tower and pushed off a ten-pound and a one-pound weight. Both landed at the same instant, but the professors still wouldn't believe what they saw. They insisted Aristotle was right.
Once again, here is another case of people believing what they want to believe. It's like the old saying, "Don't confuse me with the facts, my mind's made up."
Some of us avoid facing facts because they're too threatening. Others of us don't face reality because it's not in sync with our feelings. I'm a great believer in acknowledging feelings but I can't always trust my interpretation of them. There are times I just need to face the facts, grit my teeth, and do what the Bible says I should or shouldn't do regardless of my feelings. It is much wiser to trust God's Word rather than my feelings.
How foolish it would be to be driving on a highway and disregard a major warning "danger ahead" sign because we don't feel the sign is correct. Maturity recognizes one's feelings, checks them out for reality, and doesn't allow them to control him or her. When it comes to life, if our feelings don't harmonize with God's Word, we'd better follow God's Word rather than make our feelings the voice of authority, which can be a very dangerous path to follow, especially when it comes to eternal life and eternal values.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to always be aware of my feelings, acknowledge and accept them, express them appropriately whenever necessary, but never allow them to control me blindly. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Proverbs 3:5-6 (TLB)(NLT).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
obliterate
audio pronunciation
uh-BLIT-uh-rayt
DEFINITION
verb
1
a : to remove from recognition or memory b : to remove from existence
2
: to make undecipherable by wiping out or covering over
EXAMPLES
The epitaph on the centuries-old headstone had been obliterated by wind, rain, and age.
"With the forecast for the end of the month included, monthly-averaged temperatures for March across large parts of the Great Lakes and Northern Plains will thoroughly obliterate previous records, blasting through the temperature ceiling modern climate has until now defined." — From a post by Greg Postel on the Washington Post's "Capital Weather Gang" blog, March 27, 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
Far from being removed from existence, "obliterate" is thriving in our language today with various senses that it has acquired over the years. True to its Latin source, "oblitteratus," it began in the mid-16th century as a word for removing something from memory. Soon after, English speakers began to use it for the specific act of blotting out or obscuring anything written. Eventually (by the late 18th century), its meaning was generalized to removing anything from existence. In the meantime, another sense had developed. In the late 17th century, physicians began using "obliterate" for the surgical act of filling or closing up a vessel, cavity, or passage with tissue. Its final stamp on the English lexicon was delivered in the mid-19th century: "to cancel a postage or revenue stamp."
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5 Almost-Instant Fixes for Pain Relief
By Holly Cassandra Corbett
There are many reasons you experience pain, from joint inflammation tied to arthritis to overdoing it in the garden to body-wide tightening of muscles linked to a common disorder known as fibromyalgia.
No matter the cause, when you're aching, all you want is for the hurt to stop. Check out these five tips for almost-instant relief from Jacob Teitelbaum, MD, author of the new book Real Cause, Real Cure (Rodale).
1. DIY acupressure. Muscle pain is the most common type of pain, says Dr. Teitelbaum. Tender, marble-size knots in your muscles are called trigger points, and many trigger points correspond to acupressure points used in treatments such as acupuncture or sports massage. "Push on the trigger point with enough pressure to see a white mark from your finger and hold for at least 45 seconds," advises Dr. Teitelbaum. "It will hurt at first, but doing this increases the energy flow to help release the muscle the same way a sports massage works to ease the pain." If you have pain in a hard-to-reach spot--such as your back, shoulder, or neck--apply pressure with a tennis ball. Simply lay on the floor (you may also lie on your bed but you'll be able to apply more pressure if you lay on a hard surface), place the ball near the area where there's pain, and roll it around until you find the most tender spot. Lie there for 1 to 5 minutes, or until you feel your muscles relax.
2. Let the music play. Listening to music helps improve pain intensity in people with chronic back pain, finds a French study. Another study discovered that nearly half of the cancer patients who listened to music for 30 minutes reaped a 50% reduction in pain, according to The International Journal of Nursing Studies. "Plugging into your iPod helps lessen pain's intensity because you're distracting yourself with something pleasurable rather than focusing on your aches," says Dr. Teitelbaum.
3. Take a soak. "A magnesium deficiency causes muscles to contract, which is a major pain trigger," says Dr. Teitelbaum. "The American diet has nearly 65% less magnesium than it did decades earlier because we eat more processed foods." Foods high in magnesium include bananas, avocados, peanuts, whole grains, and soy. The mineral can also be absorbed through the skin, and Epsom salts are made up of magnesium sulfate. Ease muscle pain by adding 2 cups of Epsom salts to a bath and soak for at least 12 minutes a few times a week.
4. Rub on relief. Topical gels can bring relief by helping to numb nerve endings and increase blood flow to the area for faster healing, says Dr. Teitelbaum. He recommends applying Tiger Balm to treat everything from arthritis to headaches to bruises. The active ingredients are menthol and camphor, and the cooling herbs help block sensors on the pain fibers to instantly soothe aches.
5. Get a move on. "Exercise--including yoga, tai chi, and walking--has been shown over and over again to reduce pain," says Dr. Teitelbaum. In fact, a study in the New England Journal of Medicine found that fibromyalgia patients who participated in a twice-weekly hour-long tai chi classes (a combination of slow movements, breathing, and meditation) for 12 weeks reported significant pain improvement. "Factors such as stress trigger adrenaline, which signals your body to tighten up and results in pain. Yoga and tai chi practices help stretch and relax your muscles and soothe soreness." Even just 10 to 15 seconds of stretching can help. Start by stretching wherever you feel pain (such as a seated forward bend for lower-back problems), hold for 10 seconds or until you feel the muscle release, and gradually work up to 1 minute.
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RECIPE:
Gluten-Free Banana Bread
“A lot of gluten-free baked goods are dry and crumbly, but this one tastes like the real thing. I hope you try it!â€
Prep: 20 min. Bake: 45 min. + cooling
Yield: 24 Servings
Ingredients
2 cups gluten-free all-purpose baking flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
2 cups mashed ripe bananas (4-5 medium)
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/3 cup canola oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Directions
In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking soda and salt. In a small bowl, whisk the eggs, bananas, sugar, applesauce, oil and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.
Transfer to two 8-in. x 4-in. loaf pans coated with cooking spray. Sprinkle with walnuts. Bake at 350° for 45-55 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks. Yield: 2 loaves (12 slices each).
Editor's Note: Read all ingredient labels for possible gluten content prior to use. Ingredient formulas can change, and production facilities vary among brands. If you’re concerned that your brand may contain gluten, contact the company.
Nutritional Facts 1 slice equals 140 calories, 6 g fat (1 g saturated fat), 35 mg cholesterol, 89 mg sodium, 21 g carbohydrate, 2 g fiber, 3 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 1 starch, 1 fat
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Blackberry-Almond Oatmeal Bars
PREP TIME 10 Min
TOTAL TIME 1 Hr 30 Min
SERVINGS 24
INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 cups Gold Medal all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups old-fashioned oats
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup plus 6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1/2 cup sliced almonds
1 jar (10 oz) blackberry fruit spread
1 container (6 oz) fresh blackberries
DIRECTIONS:
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease 13x9-inch (3-quart) glass baking dish with butter or cooking spray.
2 In large bowl, mix flour, oats, brown sugar, baking powder and salt. Work in butter pieces with fingers until mixture looks like coarse meal. Stir in almonds. Press half of the mixture in bottom of baking dish. Top with fruit spread and blackberries. Sprinkle remaining oat mixture over top; pat down lightly.
3 Bake 32 to 35 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on cooling rack at least 45 minutes. Cut into 6 rows by 4 rows.
Expert Tips
For blueberry oatmeal bars, substitute blueberry fruit spread and fresh blueberries.
Freeze individually wrapped bars up to 1 month; thaw at room temperature before enjoying.
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Eggs Benedict Casserole
Here’s a casserole as tasty as Eggs Benedict, but without the hassle. Simply assemble the ingredients ahead, and bake it the next morning for an elegant breakfast or brunch.
Prep: 25 min. + chilling Bake: 45 min.
Yield: 12 Servings
Ingredients
3/4 pound Canadian bacon, chopped
6 English muffins, split and cut into 1-inch pieces
8 eggs
2 cups 2% milk
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon paprika
SAUCE:
4 egg yolks
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/2 cup butter, melted
Directions
Place half of the bacon in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish; top with English muffins and remaining bacon. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, milk and onion powder; pour over the top. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
Remove from the refrigerator 30 minutes before baking. Sprinkle with paprika. Cover and bake at 375° for 35 minutes. Uncover; bake 10-15 minutes longer or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean.
In a double boiler or metal bowl over simmering water, constantly whisk the egg yolks, cream, lemon juice and mustard until mixture reaches 160° or is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon. Reduce heat to low. Slowly drizzle in warm melted butter, whisking constantly. Serve immediately with casserole. Yield: 12 servings (1-2/3 cups sauce).
Nutritional Facts 1 piece with about 2 tablespoons sauce equals 286 calories, 19 g fat (10 g saturated fat), 256 mg cholesterol, 535 mg sodium, 16 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 14 g protein.
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Honeyed Blueberry Blintzes
Great breakfast dish anytime of the year. When blueberries are fresh and sweet, this is better than ever!
Serves: 8
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
INGREDIENTS
Blintzes:
4 eggs
1 cup 2% lowfat milk
1/3 cup matzo meal
1/3 cup potato starch
1/4 teaspoon salt
oil, for frying
Filling:
3/4 cup honey
3/4 cup water
1/4 cup lemon juice or 1/4 cup potato starch
1 teaspoon grated lemon peel
2 cups (12 ounces)fresh blueberries, or frozen, thawed
1 cup regular or low fat sour cream
DIRECTIONS;
To make blintzes: In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, milk, matzo meal, potato starch and salt. Refrigerate for 1 hour. Rub a small frying pan with oil; heat over medium-high heat. Add 2 tbsp. batter and tilt pan to coat pan surface evenly. Cook until surface of blintz no longer looks wet; carefully remove blintz. Repeat with remaining batter, oiling pan when necessary. Separate cooked blintzes with waxed paper and keep warm. (Blintzes may be prepared ahead of time and stored, covered, in refrigerator.)
To make filling: In a medium saucepan, combine honey, water, lemon juice, potato starch and lemon peel. Heat over medium high-heat, stirring frequently, until mixture comes to a boil. Boil for 3 minutes, or until no longer cloudy. Remove from heat and allow to cool. Stir in blueberries.
To assemble: Spoon 2 tbsp. blueberry-lemon filling on each blintz. Fold the sides toward center, then bottom up and top down. Place blintzes, seam-side down, in buttered 9- x 13-inch baking pan. Bake at 400°F for 15 minutes, or until lightly browned on underside. Alternately, saute blintzes in small amount of oil until lightly browned and heated through. Serve warm with a dollop of sour cream.
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Blueberry-Filled Dutch Pancake
Your whole family will love this for breakfast or supper.
Serves: 2-3 portions
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 16 minutes
INGREDIENTS:
1 tablespoon butter
3 eggs
1/2 cup skim milk, or low fat milk
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons sugar, divided
1/4 teaspoon salt, optional
1 1/2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries (drained and thawed if frozen)
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup sliced bananas
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place butter in a 9-inch pie plate or a 9 or 10-inch ovenproof skillet.* Melt butter in oven about 5 minutes; tilt pie plate or skillet to coat evenly with butter.
Meanwhile, in a medium bowl combine eggs, milk, flour, 1 tablespoon of the sugar and the salt until smooth. Pour batter into pie plate or skillet; bake for 8 minutes. Reduce heat to 375 degrees; bake until pancake is golden brown and sides are puffy, about 8 to 10 minutes longer.
Meanwhile, in a smal bowl combine blueberries with the remaining 2 tablespoons sugar and the cinnamon. Remove pancake from oven; scatter bananas over pancake. Spoon blueberries over bananas.
Cut into wedges; serve immediately.
*To make handle ovenproof, wrap completely with aluminum foil.
Note: For more servings, double all ingredients. Bake in a 13x9x2-inch baking pan about 20-25 minutes at 425 degrees.
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Blackberry Breakfast Bars
Great for breakfast on the run!
Serves: 8
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
INGREDIENTS:
16 ounces frozen blackberries, or canned
2 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup white enriched flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 cups quick cooking oats
1 cup brown sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 cup butter or margarine
DIRECTIONS
Set oven temperature to 400 degrees.
Thaw berries if frozen. Warm berries in saucepan until the juices run. (If using canned berries, omit this step and simply drain berries from can, reserving juices.) Reserve one cup of the juice, adding water if necessary to make one cup. Combine cooled reserved juice with cornstarch & lemon juice. Cook and stir until thickened. Gently stir in blackberries. Set aside.
Combine flour, oats, brown sugar, baking powder, salt and spices. Cut in butter until crumbly. Press 2/3 mixture into greased baking pan. Bake 15 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool slightly; spread blackberries over crust. Crumble remaining flour/oat mixture over berry layer and press lightly. Bake 20-25 minutes more, until lightly browned. Cool in pan.
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JOKES:
Dale Earnhardt Jr was walking across campus when Kurt Busch rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked Jr.
Kurt replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
Jr nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Farmer Benny Parsons
Benny decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Benny. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Benny responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Benny said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Benny's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Benny thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
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Rusty Wallace's Wife goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime she lets out one of them "Miller Lite" farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
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Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
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18 Reasons why Fishing is better than Sex
18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago
13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
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Doctor Convention
A world renowned neurologist is giving a seminar to a group of doctors about involuntary muscular contractions. He goes on to explain that there are many muscles in our body are reacting involuntarily of each other and without us even knowing. He senses the class is becoming bored with his speech, so he tries to lighten it up a bit by asking a woman doctor in the front row, “You probably have no idea what your asshole is doing every time you have an orgasmâ€. She smiled sheepishly and replied, “ I know exactly what he’s doing, he’s out fishing with his friends.â€
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Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.
One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumb ass. Someone stole tent."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Warning Notice Ignored
"Then he brought them out and asked, 'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?' They replied, 'Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.'"1
In July of last year, three young tourists when visiting Yosemite National Park were swept over the 317-foot Vernal Fall. One of the tourists, a young woman, was no doubt drawn by the alluring beauty of the raging waterfall and the fast moving Merced River below after a record winter snowfall. Tragically she slipped on a rock above the falls. Two friends reached out to rescue her and the trio was swept over the edge.
At the bottom of the trail leading to the Vernal Falls there is a sign warning about the fast moving water. Also, when entering the Yosemite Park, visitors are given a news paper warning about water hazards and to stay away from fast moving water.
Furthermore, at the top of the Vernal Fall there is a guard railing and a metal safety barricade marked with a warning. Tragically the victims of this tragedy ignored all the warning signs, climbed over the barricade, and fell to a horrific death.2
How foolish we say, and yet, I wonder how many warnings in life we ignore. The greatest tragedy of all is when we ignore all the warnings in God's Word, the Bible—and especially so if we ignore God's warnings about life after death.
For example God's Word reminds us that "It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment [of God]."3
Furthermore, as God said to the nation of Israel, the same applies to every one of us: "Therefore thus will I do to you, O Israel … prepare to meet your God."4
And to Christians: "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad."5 Yes, this word is for Christians. We will not be judged for our sins because Jesus paid that judgment price on the cross for us when he died in our place. But we will be judged on the basis of how faithfully we have served God since we became Christians—and be rewarded accordingly.
Again, in the words of Jesus: "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."6
Whatever you do, do not be like the tourists who disregarded all the warning signs in the Yosemite National Park and fell to a horrific death, and disregard God's repeated warnings, and ignore God's only remedy to assure us from a lost and hopeless eternity in hell—which is to "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved."1
For help be sure to read the article, "How to Be Sure You're a Real Christian" at: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please open the eyes of my understanding so that I will clearly see all your warnings in your Word, and give me the wisdom to accept your gift of forgiveness for all my sins and with this the gift of eternal life to be with you in heaven forever. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
. Acts 16:30-31 (NLT).
. Hebrews 9:27 (NKJV).
. Amos 4:12 (NKJV).
. 2 Corinthians 5:10 (NKJV).
. Matthew 10:28 (NKJV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
bricolage bree-koh-LAHZH; brih- , noun:
Construction or something constructed by using whatever materials happen to be available.
The Internet is a global bricolage, lashing together unthinkable complexities of miscellaneous computers with temporary lengths of phone line and fiber optic, bits of Ethernet cable and strings of code.
-- Bernard Sharratt, "Only Connected", New York Times, December 17, 1995
Cooking with leftovers was bricolage--a dialogue between the cook and the available materials.
-- Susan Strasser, Waste and Want: A Social History of Trash
I point out to my students that no one ever really reads Hamlet for the first time now; we've heard it all before in bits and pieces, cultural bricolage.
-- Marjorie Garber, "Back to Whose Basics?", New York Times, October 29, 1995
Bricolage comes from the French, from bricole, "trifle; small job."
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Restart Your Relationship With Your Pet Bird
If your pet bird biting you? Learn to read your pet bird's body language and use positive reinforcement with these pet bird tips and help prevent biting behavior.
By Rebecca K. O'Connor
It is the one thing pet bird owners dread happening. The sweet parrot that used to spend hours cuddling in your lap has turned into a piranha. This has been coming on slowly with a nip here and a lunge there. Then one day you cannot get near your parrot at all without bloodshed. What happened, and what can you do to fix it?
The first thing to figure out is how this happened. There was likely a progression of events that led up to this point and a reason for your pet bird’s behavior. Behavior repeats itself because a parrot gets something it wants from it, whether that is getting you to leave it alone to bond with someone else or to get you to stop approaching it with something it does not like. Think back to when the aggression might have started. At first there would have been less obvious moments of aggression, a nip when you weren’t expecting it, and the behavior would have escalated from there. What is at the center of this aggression? If you understand where the aggression stemmed from, you can take care not to let it escalate again.
A good relationship is built on trust and positive interaction. A bite from a parrot should be a rare occurence.
If you’re not sure how the aggression started, understand that there was a trigger, and be on the lookout for it. As much as it might seem like your parrot has been possessed by an evil spirit, the fact is that this behavior is learned. Worse, it was you who taught your bird that aggression was the most effective means to achieve whatever it is after.
The good news is that if a behavior is learned, it can be reprogrammed. You just need to communicate to your parrot that there is a better way to get you out of its space. A parrot that knows that a more subtle sign will do has no need to resort to aggression. So how do you hit the reset button and start over?
Reintroduce Yourself To Your Parrot
What sort of a relationship do you want? Are you hoping to be best friends again, or would you be fine with just being able to handle your bird without being bitten? Decide what you are working toward and, if there are others in the household, agree together on what the end result will be. Then pretend like you have never met your parrot before.
Start as if you are a newcomer. If the parrot is infatuated with someone else, the two of them should spend some time apart. You should be the one who brings all good things: treats, toys, even a bath if your pet bird likes them. Don’t interact with your pet bird when the favorite person is in the room. Avoid putting yourself in a situation where aggression is likely to occur.
Start by dropping your parrot’s favorite treat in its bowl and move on. Make sure that your pet bird is sitting calmly and not lunging or biting at you, otherwise you might reward behavior you do not appreciate. Your actions say, “I bring you things you like and then I get out of your space.†You are working to redefine your title as the “bringer of good things.†You will know that you’ve achieved this title when your parrot moves to the front of the cage when it sees you coming, looking forward to whatever it is you bring. Once you have achieved this new status, it is time to work on building your new relationship.
Never Force Interaction With Your Parrot
The basis of every strong relationship is a history of positive interactions. It is never too late to begin building this type of relationship, and your efforts will pay off with the type of bond you hope to have for a lifetime. Use positive reinforcement with every interaction. Always ask and always make sure that the result of doing what you ask is something positive that the parrot wants, like a treat or a head scratch. (The only exception is an emergency. If life or death is involved, do what you have to do to save your bird.)
Use positive methods, and begin training from scratch. Training allows you to spend focused time that is guaranteed to be positive, rather than just hoping that your presence becomes a welcome part of your parrot’s life. Train something outside of the cage, but where your bird is not flying about and you do not have to pick it up. This way, you don’t have to be fearful about getting attacked, and your bird won’t have to attack to get you to leave.
Target training your parrot to touch a chopstick or a pen barrel with his beak is an easy thing to train without having to handle him. After making sure he is not scared of the chopstick, slip it through the cage bars and when he touches it with his beak say, “Good†to mark the event, and give him a treat. You can drop the treat in his bowl rather than hold it out if you want to be completely hands off. When he understands he gets a treat for touching the stick, hold it farther away so that he has to move to touch it.
As you both gain confidence, train the “Step up†as if your bird has never learned it before. Use positive reinforcement, and take it slow. This also lets you read your parrot’s body language.
Read Your Pet Bird’s Body Language
Chances are that difficulty reading your bird’s body language is what got your relationship in trouble in the first place. Parrots give a variety of subtle signs to let people know if they are crossing the line. Pinning eyes, eye shape, raised feathers and a variety of other subtle body language cues signal pending aggression.
We often miss these signs, which leads to a parrot having to bite to get its point across. Once it has bitten, which likely worked when all other subtle signs failed, the bird will go straight for the bite next time. Why bother with subtleties when a straightforward bite will do?
Learn what your bird does when it is frustrated with your training session and when it no longer seems interested in the exercise. Look for the less subtle behavior, too, such as when it is not interested in interaction and when it is getting overly excited, which can lead to aggression. If you have learned that your bird is going to aggressively bite at the target instead of touching it when it holds its feathers just so, back off. Your bird will learn that you understand its body language and that it does not have to resort to biting.
You might have set backs, but don’t be too hard on yourself. The work involved in forging great communication is half the fun. So reset that relationship and get back on track for the new year!
Forgive & Forget
Remember that your parrot is a wild animal, with behavior based on reactions that would help it survive in the wilderness. It is not domestic like a dog or cat, with thousands of years of breeding for temperament. When a parrot bites or screams, it is reacting to his environment in a way that reflects cause and reaction. Don’t blame your parrot for its aggression and don’t take it personally. Forgive your bird and forgive yourself, then start working on resetting your relationship.
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RECIPE:
Chicken with Cherry Pineapple Sauce
Sweet and colorful, this tender, lower-fat chicken dish is simply fantastic! The quick prep time, fresh flavors, cherries and chunks of pineapple will make it a family favorite in no time.
Prep/Total Time: 25 min.
Yield: 4 Servings
Ingredients
4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (4 ounces each)
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
2 teaspoons canola oil
1 can (8 ounces) unsweetened pineapple chunks
1/2 cup sweet-and-sour sauce
1/4 cup dried cherries
2 green onions, sliced
Directions
Sprinkle chicken with garlic salt and ginger. In a large nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray, brown chicken in oil.
Drain pineapple, reserving 1/4 cup juice. In a small bowl, combine the sauce, cherries and reserved juice; pour over chicken.
Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 8-10 minutes or until a meat thermometer reads 170°, turning chicken once. Stir in pineapple and onions; heat through. Yield: 4 servings.
Nutritional Facts 1 chicken breast half with about 1/4 cup sauce equals 238 calories, 5 g fat (1 g saturated fat), 63 mg cholesterol, 473 mg sodium, 24 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 24 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 3 lean meat, 1/2 starch, 1/2 fruit, 1/2 fat.
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Chocolate Satin Pie
Heated evaporated milk and egg yolks make a rich mixture; add chocolate chips and stir. You end up with a luscious pie enriched with chopped nuts and whipped cream. What a treat it is!
Serves: 10
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
INGREDIENTS
1 (8-inch) graham cracker crust, (6-oz)
1 can (12 fl oz) NESTLÉ 54 Carnation Evaporated Milk
2 large egg yolks
1 package (12-oz pkg.) NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels
1 cup whipping cream
1/2 cup nuts, chopped
DIRECTIONS:
WHISK together evaporated milk and egg yolks in medium saucepan. Heat over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is very hot and thickens slightly; do not boil. Remove from heat; stir in morsels until completely melted and mixture is smooth.
POUR into crust; refrigerate 3 hours or until firm. Top with whipped cream before serving; sprinkle with nuts.
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Bacon Bourbon Wings
skill level Easy
time 30-60min
servings 24
ingredients
24 chicken wings
Peanut oil for frying
1/4 cup brown sugar
4 cloves of garlic (finely chopped)
1/2 teaspoon prepared horseradish
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/2-3/4 cup bourbon
3/4 cup ketchup
A few dashes of hot sauce
12 slices of bacon
ingredients
24 chicken wings
Peanut oil for frying
12 slices of bacon
instructions
Fry wings in 425ºF peanut oil until they are just about done, about 5-6 minutes. Cut bacon slices in half.
instructions
Remove wings from fryer and allow to cool slightly. Wrap them with bacon, using a toothpick to hold the bacon in place. Put the wings back in the fryer until they are done, about 1-2 minutes.
ingredients
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
4 cloves of garlic (finely chopped)
1/2 teaspoon prepared horseradish
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/2-3/4 cup bourbon
3/4 cup ketchup
A few dashes of hot sauce
instructions
Mix the butter, brown sugar, garlic, horseradish, ginger, soy sauce, bourbon, ketchup and hot sauce. Cook for 10 minutes over low-medium heat.
Take the wings out of the fryer and drench them in the sauce.
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Cake Balls
This recipe is very versatile and heavily addictive. You can mix and match cake and icing flavors as well as the chocolate coatings. If you want to go the extra mile, cake balls can be rolled in nuts, sprinkles, coconut, etc. or double dipped in white and dark chocolates. Chocolate confectioners' coating is also called Almond Bark in some stores.
Servings: 36
Ingredients
1 (18.25 ounce) package chocolate cake mix
1 (16 ounce) container prepared chocolate frosting
1 (3 ounce) bar chocolate flavored confectioners coating
Directions
1. Prepare the cake mix according to package directions using any of the recommended pan sizes. When cake is done, crumble while warm into a large bowl, and stir in the frosting until well blended.
2. Melt chocolate coating in a glass bowl in the microwave, or in a metal bowl over a pan of simmering water, stirring occasionally until smooth.
3. Use a melon baller or small scoop to form balls of the chocolate cake mixture. Dip the balls in chocolate using a toothpick or fork to hold them. Place on waxed paper to set.
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Cherry Tiramisu
This rich dessert is the perfect finale after any special meal.
Serves: 6
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 0 minutes
1 cup ricotta cheese
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1/4 cup sour cream
1/4 cup coffee liqueur
30 two-inch shortbread cookies, crumbed (about 1½ cups)
1 twenty-one ounce can cherry pie filling
sweet chocolate squares, grated for garnish (optional)
fresh mint, for garnish (optional)
In a large mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese, confectioner's sugar, sour cream and coffee liqueur; mix well. Set aside.
In an electric blender or food processor, process the cookies in small batches until finely crushed.
Remove 6 cherries from cherry filling; reserve for garnish.
To assemble dessert, spoon 2 tablespoons ricotta cheese mixture into each of six (8-ounce) parfait glasses. Add 2 tablespoons cookie crumbs to each glass; top each with 2 tablespoons cherry filling. Repeat ricotta, crumb and cherry layers. Finish each serving with an equal portion of the remaining ricotta cheese mixture.
Garnish with reserved cherries, grated chocolate and mint leaves, if desired. Let chill 2 to 3 hours before serving.
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JOKES:
You could feed them a lot faster
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
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Lesser Of Two Evils
Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywoodand became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in thecotton fields and never amounted to much.The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of twoweevils."
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The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina...
The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full yet."
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The headmistress at a girls prep school...
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park...
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," shesaid. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
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Important thoughts
*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when theybroke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we saythey are orbiting.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really onlycentrificating.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in thedaytime.
*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so muchpopulation stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brotheragainst brother.
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make outthe numbers.
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot ofthings people forget to put the top on.
*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.*Clouds are high flying fogs.
*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes
"He came unto his own, but his own did not receive him."1
Way back in AD 10 Julius Frontinus said, "Inventions have reached their limit, and I see no hope for further development." Even Thomas Edison, the great inventor, was at times himself a doubting Thomas. He said, "Fooling around with alternating current is a waste of time." In 1934 Albert Einstein, of all people, declared, "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will be obtainable."
For many of us if change doesn't compute with what we have seen or experienced, there can be a tendency for us to reject it.
Most of the religious people of Christ's day died without ever having found their Messiah even though they were looking for him—and saw him in person. They rejected him because he didn't come in the way that they expected, nor did he do what they expected a Messiah to do; that is, to come in great power and overthrow the Roman rule.
When God wants to do a new, or at least a renewed, work in many of our churches, organizations, and/or individual lives, sometimes we don't want to see it because we resist change.
True, there are some things that don't change, such as moral principles as taught in the Word of God; and we need to stand firm on these issues. And while the gospel message never changes, we need to change some of our methods of communicating it. The Internet and email have revolutionized communications, but take a look at the average church web site and you'll be hard pressed to find a relevant gospel message. What you will mostly find is an electronic bulletin board for the church members. Once again we're mostly using this incredible God-given means of communication and outreach to "preach to the choir."
You don't catch fish in the bathtub—you go to where the fish are. It's the same with reaching the non-church community. We need to go where non-church people are, and that's outside the four walls of the church. To do this effectively we need to have a message that is relevant to the needs of non-church people … spoken in non-churchy language and addressed to the felt needs of non-church people.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please give me the insight to see what changes I need to make in my life, and give me the courage to do what I need to do to implement these changes so I will be a more effective Christian and a more effective witness to your saving power in my life. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
John 1:11 (NKJV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
nebbish NEB-ish , noun:
A weak-willed, timid, or ineffectual person.
You used to be a nebbish, a noodle, a fool
And now you're Mr. Big Time with your own private pool.
-- Maira Kalman, Max in Hollywood, Baby
Poor Humphrey is a nebbish, a fellow whose private passivity is intended to contrast with the dramatic historic events that sweep around him.
-- Mason Buck, review of The Red Cabbage Café, by Jonathan Treitel, New York Times, February 3, 1997
He is a nebbish who might be played effectively by Woody Allen. He attracts the sympathy of lower-echelon mammals but finds it difficult to relate to dogs and human beings.
-- Evan Hunter, "American Mayhem, Soviet Intrigue", New York Times, October 9, 1983
Nebbish is from Yiddish nebekh, "poor, unfortunate," of Slavic origin.
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BIRD TIPS:
Self-Mutilation
Self-mutilation entails a bird doing physical damage to its body, specifically involving skin and muscle.
DEFINITION OF SELF-MUTILATION
The medical definition of this term entails an animal doing physical damage to its body, specifically involving skin and muscle. Most avian veterinarians do not use the term “mutilation†to connote various forms of feather destruction.
CAUSES OF SELF-MUTILATION
Many parrot behavior consultants and avian veterinarians agree that self-mutilation in pet parrots is likely physical in origin, not behavioral or “psychological.â€
Seek the assistance of an experienced avian veterinarian who is willing to search exhaustively for the origin of this problem, such as cardiomyopathy (pathologies of the heart muscle), viral infections, etc.
No More Bitey Birds!
Biting is often a result of abuse, fear, lack of sleep, noise and confusion in the environment.
By Susan Chamberlain
Biting is often a result of abuse, fear, lack of sleep, noise and confusion in the environment, improper handling, or the failure of the owner to read the bird’s body language. Some parrots’ alternately enlarge and retract their eye pupils just prior to biting. This is called “flashing†or “pinning.†Others flare their tails, raise the feathers on the neck or spread their wings as if to frighten an enemy.
Has your bird ever bitten you when you put your hand inside its cage? This is territorial biting. Your bird is programmed by nature to protect its cage and belongings from invaders. Avoid territorial bites by removing your bird from its cage before cleaning and replenishing food. Refrain from making eye contact with your pet at this time, as it may be perceived as a sign of aggression, causing your bird to act even more defensively. Teach your pet to step onto a proffered stick when it wants to come out of the cage. Raise the far end of the stick slightly, and the bird will seek the higher end, safely out of biting range of your hand.
Has your bird ever bitten you at the approach of another human? This is displacement biting and even occurs among birds themselves. A bird, trying to protect its mate, may first nip at the mate, then attempt to drive the intruders away. Never permit a bird prone to biting to sit on your shoulder. Don’t encourage biting by teasing your bird or jabbing fingers through cage bars. The Guide to Companion Parrot Behavior by Mattie Sue Athan will give you more insight into biting and other avian behavior issues.
Nail Sharpening
Nail sharpening describes the act of a pet bird sharpening its nails.
DEFINITION OF NAIL SHARPENING
Some parrots really seem to sharpen their nails overnight, such as some African grey parrots, which seem capable of turning their claws into hypodermic needles in the few hours between dusk and dawn. (In reality, it doesn’t really happen this way, of course.) At any rate, sharp nails are useful for a parrot’s survival in the wild, as they enable a bird a better grip on perches and food. In captivity, sharp nails can be a detriment for a companion bird, however, as people resent getting scratched up by a bird’s claws. They can also be problematic for caged birds like finches and canaries, because overly long nails increase the risk of nails becoming caught on things and getting ripped out.
WHAT TO DO
A variety of approaches can help with this circumstance. A properly sized abrasive “grooming perch†(in addition to other perches) works well with some birds, though owners need to check the bottoms of the bird’s feet routinely to make sure no soreness develops. Aviculturist E.B. Cravens recommends providing flat rocks for the bird to sit on, as they can wear off nail tips naturally. If neither of these techniques work, then routine grooming might be necessary to keep nails from growing too long, but care should be taken to nip off only the tips in most cases. Unless a bird’s nails are seriously overgrown, there should be no need to cut back a nail so much that it bleeds.
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RECIPE:
Pineapple Barbecued Lamb Spare Ribs
Ingredients included in this recipe are lamb spare ribs, Worcestershire sauce, crushed pineapple (8 ounce can), Salt, vinegar, pepper, garlic, finely chopped, ginger.
Ingredients
3 pounds lamb spare ribs
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 can crushed pineapple (8 ounce can)
1 teaspoon Salt
1/4 cup vinegar
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/4 cup honey
Directions
Place spare ribs on a rack in a shallow roasting pan; bake in preheated 325 degree F oven for 1 1/2 hours.
Drain off drippings.
Combine remaining ingredients, mixing well; pour over lamb.
Bake 45 minutes, basting lamb with pineapple mixture frequently during baking period.
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Easy Cheesy Chili-Rice
Ingredients:
1 can chili W/beans
1 can diced tomatoes undrained
1 cup water
2 cups instant rice,uncooked
1/2 pound shredded cheddar cheese
or Velveeta Cheese,cut-up
Directions :
Bring chili,tomatoes
and water to boil in large skillet.
Add rice and cheese spread;stir.
Cover.Remove from heat.Let stand 5 minutes.
Stir until process cheese spread is melted.
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Handy Dandruff Stopper
Twice a month, rinse your hair with antiseptic mouthwash to help prevent mild cases of dandruff.
Do not use this remedy if you have cuts or abrasions on your scalp— it may be irritating.
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Sweet-Tart Rhubarb Crepes
This recipe's name speaks true to its well-balanced flavor from tart rhubarb and sweet orange. It's a wonderful, unique breakfast or brunch dish.
Prep/Total Time: 25 min.
Yield: 8 Servings
Ingredients
5 cups finely chopped fresh or frozen rhubarb, thawed
3/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons orange juice
1 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon grated orange peel
16 prepared crepes (9 inches)
Confectioners' sugar and additional grated orange peel, optional
Directions
In a large saucepan, combine the first five ingredients. Cook, stirring occasionally, over medium heat for 15-18 minutes or until tender. Remove from the heat; stir in orange peel.
Spread 2 tablespoons filling down the center of each crepe; roll up. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar and additional orange peel if desired. Yield: 8 servings.
Editor's Note: If using frozen rhubarb, measure rhubarb while still frozen, then thaw completely. Drain in a colander, but do not press liquid out.
Nutritional Facts 2 filled crepes (calculated without confectioners' sugar) equals 200 calories, 4 g fat (2 g saturated fat), 15 mg cholesterol, 175 mg sodium, 40 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 3 g protein.
Tip
Freezing Crepes
Stack unfilled crepes between layers of waxed paper or white paper towel. Cool; place in an airtight container. Refrigerate for 2 to 3 days or freeze for 4 months. (Thaw frozen crepes overnight in the refrigerator when ready to use.)
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Corn Bread-Topped Frijoles
My family often requests this economical, slow-cooker favorite. It's loaded with fresh Southwestern flavors. One batch makes several servings-but it never lasts long at our house!
Prep: 20 min. Cook: 3 hours
Yield: 8 Servings
Ingredients
1 medium onion, chopped
1 medium green pepper, chopped
1 tablespoon canola oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 can (16 ounces) kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 can (15 ounces) pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1 can (14-1/2 ounces) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
CORN BREAD TOPPING:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup yellow cornmeal
1 tablespoon sugar
1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1-1/4 cups fat-free milk
1 can (8-1/4 ounces) cream-style corn
3 tablespoons canola oil
Directions
In a large skillet, saute onion and green pepper in oil until tender. Add garlic; cook 1 minute longer. Transfer to a greased 5-qt. slow cooker.
Stir in the beans, tomatoes, tomato sauce, chili powder, pepper and pepper sauce. Cover and cook on high for 1 hour.
In a large bowl, combine the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt. Combine the eggs, milk, corn and oil; add to dry ingredients and mix well. Spoon evenly over bean mixture.
Cover and cook on high 2 hours longer or until a toothpick inserted near the center of corn bread comes out clean. Yield: 8 servings.
Nutritional Facts
1 serving equals 367 calories, 9 g fat (1 g saturated fat), 54 mg cholesterol, 708 mg sodium, 59 g carbohydrate, 9 g fiber, 14 g protein.
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JOKES:
Cooler Corn!
The Best Way to Cook Corn on the Cob for a Crowd?
Am I the only person who hasn't heard of "cooler corn"?
As an obsessive food nerd, you'd expect that I would have at least heard of it, but over the weekend I was blind-sided by the simple genius of this method for cooking loads of corn on the cob perfectly.
I was hepped to it while visiting my family in Maine. Short story: We like corn on the cob. And with eight adults at the table, that means a couple of dozen ears. We would have used the lobster pot to cook them all, but the lobster pot was busy steaming lobster.
Then my sister, a capable Maine cook with years of camping experience, says "let's do cooler corn!" Before I can ask "what is cooler corn?" a Coleman cooler appears from the garage, is wiped clean, then filled with the shucked ears. Next, two kettles-full of boiling water are poured over the corn and the top closed.
Then nothing.
When we sat down to dinner 30 minutes later and opened it, the corn was perfectly cooked. My mind was blown. And I'm told that the corn will remain at the perfect level of doneness for a couple of hours.
Turns out, Cooler Corn is pretty well known among the outdoorsy set But for those of us who avoid tents as much as possible, it's perfect for large barbecues and way less of mess than grilling. In fact, I may even buy another cooler just so I'm ready for next summer. Now that I'm in the know.
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HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..
The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbee s and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' ball point pens
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. .... ... and then lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam....
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Coke were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $800,00 . .. . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 29 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office and hospital,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind...
Grandma would be only 59 years old.
PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES, THE YOUNG ONES WON'T BELIEVE IT.
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I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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What Starts With F and Ends With K - 1st Grader
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the Teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
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THEY'RE HERE! 2010 DARWIN AWARDS
>
>
> You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further
> ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.
>
>
> Eighth Place
>
> In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
> water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
> to retrieve his car keys.
>
>
> Seventh Place
>
> A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
> ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>
>
> Sixth Place
>
> While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
> protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
> bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
> on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
> could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
> almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
>
> Fifth Place
>
> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
> bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
> flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
> into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
>
> Fourth Place
>
> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
> who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
> mouth and pull the trigger.
>
>
>
> Third Place
>
> After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
> door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
> store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
> standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
> announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
>
> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
> also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
> scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
> cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
> gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.
> No one else was hurt.
>
>
> HONORABLE MENTION
>
> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around
> at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
> window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that
> the window was closed.
>
>
> RUNNER UP
>
> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
> said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
> the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at
> least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon
> arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
> brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
> volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
> They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to
> the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
> tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
> the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot
> was never located.
>
>
> AND THE WINNER IS....
>
> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
> constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
> bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
> finally got relief.
> Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
> ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
>
> The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr
> Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
> elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It
> seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
> happens'
>
>
> IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE
> FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Winning Over Worry Part III
"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"1
"Perfect love drives out fear,"2 wrote the Apostle John in the Bible. It is also true that unresolved fears have a way of blocking out love. So we need to ask God to help us overcome our fears so we can be filled with love. The more we love and trust God, the less we fear man and circumstances. Every day, visualize yourself opening up to God and being filled with his love, joy and forgiveness.
In 1929, business tycoon J.C. Penny was in the hospital because of his severe anxiety. One night he was sure he was going to die so he wrote farewell letters to his wife and son.
But he survived the night, and hearing singing the next morning in the chapel, felt drawn to go in. A group was singing, "God will take care of you," after which followed Bible reading and prayer.
Penny said, "Suddenly something happened. I can't explain it. It was a miracle. I felt as if I had been instantly lifted out of the darkness of a dungeon into warm brilliant sunlight. I felt as if I had been transported from hell to paradise. I felt the power of God as I had never felt it before.
"I realized then that I alone was responsible for all my troubles. I knew that God with his love was there to help me. From that day to this, my life has been free from worry. The most dramatic and glorious minutes of my life were those I spent in that chapel that morning."3
The cause or causes of our anxiety and worry almost always lie within our self. At best they are triggered by outside circumstances. Only when we see and resolve these causes, are we free to fully surrender our worries and anxieties to God and experience his peace.
Whether this peace comes instantly or over a period of time doesn't matter. The important truth to remember is that God is always there. His love and power are constant and available to all. As we reach out to him through the fog of our worry and damaged emotions, we discover that he is waiting to help us if only we will respond to his love and give him the chance. For help click on the "God's Invitation" button link below, or on http://tinyurl.com/gods-invitation.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, I commit and trust my life and way to you and choose to trust you in all circumstances. Grant that my emotions will catch up with my choice to trust you. Help me to resolve all my fears that cause me to worry so I can be filled with your love, joy, and peace. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Psalm 118:6 ( NIV).
2. 1 John 4:18 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
apotropaic ap-uh-truh-PEY-ik , adjective:
Intended to ward off evil.
Ritualistic behaviour used as an apotropaic to ward off private demons, yes. Except to Raymond there's danger everywhere.
-- Leonore Fleischer, Rain Man
In an older kind of fairy story, the magic of the flowers would be potent but unspecified, vaguely apotropaic.
-- Anthony Burgess, J.G. Ballard, "Introduction," The Best Short Stories of J.G. Ballard
Apotropaic came into common usage in the 1880s. It comes from the Greek word apotrópai meaning "averting evil."
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Reasons A Bird Vocalizes
Some of the reasons why your bird makes noise
By Rebecca Sweat
Work to develop a distinct contact call with your bird so it can locate you when you are not in the room with it.
1. Bird wants attention, lonely
2. Hunger/thirst
3. Your bird's Contact Call (locating other flock members)
4. Mimicking other birds in the flock
5. Bird is practicing talking, whistling or singing
6. Bird is frightened or startled
7. Bird is calling for its mate or a mate
8. Bird is alerting the flock to wake up and forage for food
9. Bird is alerting the flock that it’s time for bed
10. Bird is alerting the flock to danger
Note: You are now the bird’s flock member.
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RECIPE:
Grilled Ham, Wisconsin Brie & Blue Cheese Sandwich
Try this mouth-watering sandwich for lunch or serve with a salad for dinner.
Prep. time: 5 minutes
Cooking time: 8 minutes
2 slices (1/2 inch thick) rustic white country bread or hearty raisin-pecan bread
1 tablespoon apricot or peach preserves
1 slice (1-1/2 ounces) Wisconsin brie
2 slices Jones Country Carved Deli Thin Ham or Jones Farm fresh, and Tender Dainty Ham
2 tablespoons crumbed Wisconsin blue cheese
1 teaspoon butter, melted
Spread 1 slice of bread with preserves. Top with Wisconsin Brie, ham, Wisconsin Blue Cheese and second slice of bread. Heat nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Brush top and bottom of sandwich lightly with butter; place sandwich in skillet and cook about 4 minutes per side until lightly browned and cheese begins to melt.
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Slow Cooker Salisbury Steak
This recipe goes together quickly and does not need a lot of time in the slow cooker. It's a delicious way to add flavor to ground beef. The gravy is delightful served over mashed potatoes.
Servings: 8
Ingredients
2 pounds lean ground beef
1 (1 ounce) envelope dry onion soup mix
1/2 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 (10.75 ounce) cans condensed cream of chicken soup
1 (1 ounce) packet dry au jus mix
3/4 cup water
Directions
1. In a large bowl, mix together the ground beef, onion soup mix, bread crumbs, and milk using your hands. Shape into 8 patties.
2. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Dredge the patties in flour just to coat, and quickly brown on both sides in the hot skillet. Place browned patties into the slow cooker stacking alternately like a pyramid. In a medium bowl, mix together the cream of chicken soup, au jus mix, and water. Pour over the meat. Cook on the Low setting for 4 or 5 hours, until ground beef is well done
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Quick and Easy Banana Pops
Ingredients
3 small bananas
6 tablespoons low-fat peanut butter
2 tablespoons honey (or other sweetener)
Instructions
1.Break the bananas into chunks and
place in small bowl.
2.Mash thoroughly with a fork,then add
the peanut butter and honey and blend well.
3.Place in popsicle holders and freeze.
Makes about 6 (depending on the size of your holders).
Combine ripe bananas with tangy yogurt
to make the best tasting frozen non fat
yogurt pops you have ever had. This tastes
better than any TCBY frozen yogurt recipes.
Use high quality ingredients to make one
of the best recipes for organic frozen yogurt.
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Boneless Pork Loin Roast with Herbed Pepper Rub
Roast your potatoes and vegetables with the pork.
Rate This Recipe Serves: 6-8 with leftovers
Prep. time: 65 minutes
Cooking time: 45 to 90 minutes
3 pound boneless pork loin roast
2 tablespoons cracked black pepper
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
2 teaspoons dried basil
2 teaspoons dried rosemary
2 teaspoons dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
Pat pork dry with paper towel. In small bowl, combine remaining ingredients to make a rub for the roast and apply to all surfaces of the pork roast. Place roast in a shallow pan and roast in a 350 degrees F. oven for 1-1 1/4 hours (18-20 minutes per pound), until internal temperature, measured with a meat thermometer, registers 155 degrees F. Remove roast from oven and let rest for 5-10 minutes before slicing to serve. Serves 6-8, with leftovers.
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Better-Than-Almost-Anything Cake
The combination of rich ingredients produces a decadent, caramel-soaked cake that's sure to be a hit!
PREP TIME 10 Min
TOTAL TIME 3 Hr 3 Min
SERVINGS 15
1 box Betty Crocker SuperMoist German chocolate cake mix
Water, vegetable oil and eggs called for on cake mix box
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk
1 jar (16 to 17 oz) caramel, butterscotch or fudge topping
1 container (8 oz) frozen whipped topping, thawed
1 bag (8 oz) toffee chips or bits
1 Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for dark or nonstick pan). Make and bake cake as directed on box for 13x9-inch pan. Cool 15 minutes.
2 Poke top of warm cake every 1/2 inch with handle end of wooden spoon. Drizzle condensed milk evenly over top of cake; let stand until milk has been absorbed into cake. Drizzle with caramel topping. Run knife around sides of pan to loosen cake. Cover and refrigerate about 2 hours or until chilled.
3 Spread whipped topping over top of cake. Sprinkle with toffee bits. Store covered in refrigerator.
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Butter Pecan Biscotti
Prep Time:30 min
Cook Time:40 min
Yield:2 dozen
INGREDIENTS:
1 (18.25 oz.) package Pillsbury Moist Supreme Yellow Premium Cake Mix
2 large eggs
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1 tablespoon water
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1/2 cup finely chopped pecans
Crisco Original No-Stick Cooking Spray
1/2 cup white baking chips
PREPARATION DIRECTIONS:
1. BLEND cake mix, eggs, butter, water and almond extract in large bowl with electric mixer on low speed until evenly moistened. Stir in pecans. Cover and chill at least 2 hours.
2. HEAT oven to 325°F. Coat two baking sheets with no-stick cooking spray. Divide dough in half on lightly floured surface. Shape each half into a 14 x 1 1/2-inch loaf. Place on prepared baking sheets.
3. BAKE 25 to 30 minutes or until golden brown and slightly firm. Cool 5 minutes. With sharp serrated knife, cut loaves diagonally into 3/4-inch thick slices. Place cut side down on same baking sheets.
4. BAKE 15 to 20 minutes longer or until lightly browned, turning halfway through baking time. Remove from baking sheets to wire racks to cool completely.
5. PLACE baking chips in 1-quart heavy duty resealable plastic bag. Microwave on HIGH 20 to 30 seconds or until melted and smooth when kneaded. Cut off small bottom corner of bag. Drizzle lightly over biscotti. Let stand 15 minutes or until chocolate is set. Store in airtight container.
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JOKES:
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says."Where can I buy one?" he is asked.Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says."I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?"Sure."The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.The city feller says just give me my money back then."Can't, spent it already!""Well... unload the mule then.""What ya gonna do with him?""Raffle him off!""Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!""Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop."What did ya do with that dead mule?""Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.""Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
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36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck!
36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate"
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The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding
"This is my tryout for Nascar."
"I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
"That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!" "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
"Cause those Gorditas rule."
"Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
"Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
"Umm..I'm drunk?"
"Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow...
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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You know you are in a small town...
You know you're in a small town.....
- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you
- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!
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A ventriloquist was driving in the country...
A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to alarge farm. He asked for and was given a tour.As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd havesome fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to thefarmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheepsays anything about me, it's a damned lie!"
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
False Versus True Humility
"Clothe yourself with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'"1
Somewhat related to arm-twisting for God are those situations where somebody has a song, a poem, or an article they have written that they want to have published. They state clearly that it wasn't their creation but, rather, God gave it to them and they want him to have all the glory. I think that God sometimes, but not always, doesn't want the glory for some of these creations!
Writing in Christianity Today some time ago, Eutychus also felt that there are times when God gets more credit than he wants.
For example, "A boxer once credited the Lord for helping him punch his opponent into the Twilight Zone. Then there was the football player who made a diving, juggling catch in the end zone. His explanation of the stellar effort mentioned nothing about his speed, agility, coordination, and training: It was God who made that catch."
Humility has nothing to do with not appreciating what you have worked hard to achieve. Certainly, we want to thank God for the talents he has given us, but, among other things, genuine humility is being realistic about what you have achieved and being able to equally rejoice in another's achievements.
Furthermore, to claim God gave me a poem or an article as a means to get my creation accepted for publication isn't humility either. It's lying. I've written a few things in my life that have been published (and a few that have been rejected), and for whatever talent I may have been given, I give God the glory for that.
At the same time writing to be published for me is hard work and what I write about has mostly come from a lifetime of experiences, many of them very painful. This is probably true for most writers who have something of value to say. Yes, there are times of inspiration but mostly it's only about five percent inspiration and ninety-five percent perspiration. God may give us the five percent but the rest is up to us. He gives us the basic talent but it is our responsibility to be trained so that what we do say and write will hopefully bring glory to God. And that may be best left for others to judge.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, I thank you for the gifts and talents you have given to me. Help me to be responsible with these gifts, develop them to the best of my ability, and use them truly for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 1 Peter 5:5 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
adroit uh-DROIT , adjective:
1. Cleverly skillful, resourceful, or ingenious.
2. Expert or nimble in the use of the hands or body.
He knows that Jory is handsome, talented, and most of all, adroit. Bart is not adroit at anything but pretending.
-- V.C. Andrews, If There Be Thorns
It requires finesse. She was very adroit — oh, very adroit — but Hercule Poirot, my good George, is of a cleverness quite exceptional.
-- Agatha Christie, The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding
Adroit is from the Old French meaning "elegant, skillful" from the roots a- meaning "increase" and droit meaning "correct."
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Dunking Food (a.k.a. “Birdie soup makingâ€)
This behavioral term describes a bird that dunks food in water.
DEFINITION OF DUNKING FOOD
The action of a parrot when it moistens its food in water prior to eating it. It can also define the mess that many parrots make by introducing copious amounts of water-soluble food into the water bowl, thereby seriously contaminating its water source. (Can also be caused by the bird pooping in its water dish.)
DESCRIPTION OF DUNKING FOOD
Trust me, you don’t want to visualize this stuff, because sometimes it can look like some sort of biological stew that is evolving a strange and alarming new life form.
WHAT TO DO
Change the water in the bowl every time you see a bird dunking its food or pooping in it, no matter how frequently it happens. Food in the water bowl provides an ideal environment for the benign bacteria that normally inhabit most water sources, allowing for exponential overgrowth that can become a health risk. If the inside of the water bowl feels slimy to your finger, this is evidence of serious bacterial overgrowth and proof that the water is not being changed often enough. This is especially problematic with owners who are gone all day at work. Due to the potential of this bacterial overgrowth becoming a health hazard for a bird, many avian veterinarians recommend the use of water bottles instead. Parrots can easily be taught to use a water bottle, which prohibits any contamination of the water source via food or accidental droppings. Owners need to hang the bottle above the water bowl and not remove the bowl until they are certain the bird has successfully learned to drink from the bottle. Owners should also check the water bottle’s nozzle to make sure the bird hasn’t stuffed something in it, thus preventing the water from dispersing. Incidentally, a water bottle does not prevent a parrot from moistening its food. My macaw gets pellets in her mouth, then goes to the water bottle and gets some water. So the food is moistened immediately before she swallows it. Therefore, the food is nicely softened but there is no danger of bacterial contamination.
Disclaimer: BirdChannel.com’s Bird Behavior Index is intended for educational purposes only. It is not meant to replace the expertise and experience of a professional veterinarian. Do not use the information presented here to make decisions about your bird’s health if you suspect your pet is sick. If your pet is showing signs of illness or you notice changes in your bird’s behavior, take your pet to the nearest veterinarian or an emergency pet clinic as soon as possible.
**********************************************
RECIPE:
Coconut-Macadamia Cookies
Active Time: 10 Minutes
Total Time: 20 Minutes
Yield: Makes about 72 cookies
Although pecans or almonds are delicious additions to these cookies, there really is no substitute for the mild, buttery taste of macadamias. They usually cost a little more, but we think they're worth it.
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 cup dairy sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups coconut
1 1/2 cups chopped macadamia nuts, pecans, or almonds
DIRECTIONS
In a mixing bowl beat the butter or margarine with an electric mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds. Add the sugar and baking soda; beat till combined. Beat in the eggs, sour cream, and vanilla. Beat in as much of the flour as you can with the mixer. Stir in any remaining flour with a wooden spoon. Stir in the coconut and nuts.
Drop dough by rounded teaspoons 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F oven for about 10 to 12 minutes, or till golden brown. Remove cookies and cool on wire racks
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Blueberries and Cream Cupcakes
Yield: 30 Servings
Prep: 15 min Total: 45 min
Ingredients
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
4 large eggs, room temperature
1 1/2 cups cake flour (not self rising), sifted
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 1/4 cups milk, room temperature
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups fresh blueberries, plus more for garnish
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
whipped cream (see link below for recipe)
1 3/4 cups sugar
directions
1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line standard or mini muffin tins with paper liners. Whisk together both flours, baking powder, and salt.
2 With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, cream butter and sugar until pale and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating until each is incorporated, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Beat in vanilla.
3 Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in three batches, alternating with two additions of milk, and beating until combined after each. Fold in blueberries by hand.
4 Divide batter evenly among lined cups, filling each 3/4 full. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until pale golden, about 25 minutes for standard and 15 for mini. Transfer tins to wire racks to cool completely before removing cupcakes. Cupcakes can be stored up to 3 days at room temperature in airtight containers.
5 To finish, dollop cupcakes with whipped cream, and garnish with berries. Serve immediately.
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Chocolate Chip Cupcakes
Children will enjoy decorating these with favorite toppings.
Prep: 15 min
Yield: makes 15 cupcakes
Ingredients
1 cup all-purpose flour
4 tbsp butter, softened
1 cup sugar
1 large egg, at room temperature
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 tsp salt
2/3 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup buttermilk
5 oz (140 g) semisweet chocolate, chopped
2 oz (55 g) unsweetened chocolate, melted and tepid
directions
1 Preheat the oven to 350°F (180°C). Line 2 muffin pans with 15 paper muffin liners. Combine all the ingredients through the vanilla in a bowl. Beat for 3 minutes, until light and fluffy. Stir in the chocolate chips. Divide among the muffin cups. Bake about 20 minutes. Cool completely.
2 Boil the cream. Remove from the heat, add the chocolate, and stir and cool. Dip each cupcake top in the chocolate mixture to top.
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Peanut Butter Mini Cupcakes
Ingredients
Scant 2/3 cup unsalted butter, chopped
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup milk
2 eggs
1/2 cup hazelnut spread, softened (for hazelnut and peanut butter frosting)
1/2 cup crunchy peanut butter
1/3 cup crunchy peanut butter (for hazelnut and peanut butter frosting)
1 cup self-rising flour
2 x 2 1/4-ounce chocolate coated candy bars, chopped (for hazelnut and peanut butter frosting)
Yield: 18 Servings
directions
1 Preheat the oven to 350º F. Line 18 flat-based mini muffin cups with paper liners.
2 Beat the butter and sugar together in a bowl with electric beaters until light and creamy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the peanut butter and beat until combined. Fold in the sifted flours alternately with the milk until combined.
3 Divide the mixture evenly among the paper liners. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean when inserted into the center of a cake. Transfer onto a wire rack to cool completely.
4 To make the hazelnut and peanut butter frosting, combine the hazelnut spread and peanut butter. Spread the frosting over each cake and decorate with a piece of candy bar.
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S'mores Cupcakes
The old campfire classic takes on a new identity as a charming cupcake. Graham flour, available at health-food stores and specialty markets, flavors the cupcake base, which is topped with chocolate glaze and piled high with piped sticky marshmallow frosting, browned to mimic the effects of toasting over a fire.
Prep: 30 min Total: 60 min
Yield: 24 Servings
Ingredients
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups packed light-brown sugar
1 1/3 cups graham flour
1/4 cup honey
2 teaspoons baking powder
6 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
Marshmallow Frosting (see link below for recipe)
1 1/4 cups (2 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
directions
1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line standard muffin tins with paper liners. Whisk together both flours, baking powder, salt and cinnamon.
2 With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, cream butter, brown sugar and honey until pale and fluffy. Reduce speed to medium; beat in eggs and vanilla, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Add flour mixture; mix until just combined.
3 Divide batter evenly among lined cups, filling each about three-quarters full. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until golden brown and a cake tester inserted in centers comes out with only a few moist crumbs attached, about 25 minutes. Transfer tins to wire rack to cool 10 minutes; turn out cupcakes onto racks and let cool completely. Cupcakes can be stored up to 1 day at room temperature, or frozen up to 1 month, in airtight containers.
4 To finish, spoon 2 teaspoons chocolate glaze onto each cupcake. Fill a pastry bag fitted with a large plain tip (Ateco #806 or Wilton #2A) with frosting; pipe frosting onto each cupcake, swirling tip and releasing as you pull up to form a peak. Hold a small kitchen torch 3 to 4 inches from surface of frosting, and wave it back and forth until frosting is lightly browned all over. Serve immediately.
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I might try the hangover cure ;)
ONE NEVER KNOWS ABOUT FRUITS !!!!
-----
Pass the Banana
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression 'going bananas' is from the effects of bananas on the brain.
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood Enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance.. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe it's time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'
PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.
Amazing fruit!!!
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JOKES:
Childbirth at 65
(Too good not to pass on, Enjoy!)
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'...
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DONT MESS WITH WOMEN
One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.
Ok, fine.
So, the frog asks, what's your first wish?
I want to be the most beautiful women in the world.
Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous.
You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you.
Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.
Whats your second wish? it asks her.
I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer.
Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.
OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?
I want a mild heart attack
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I LOVE MY JOB
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below...
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad
after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~
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4 Worms and a Church Service THIS IS FABULOUS!!!!!!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
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Ah, the Golden Years!
SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles & fat don't hurt.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
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