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REMINDER FROM GOD:
God's Good News
"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes."1
The word "gospel" means good news—it is the greatest news in all the world—it is the Good News of God's salvation, without which mankind would be doomed for eternal damnation and separation from God, the author of all love and life.
But why is the gospel God's Good News?
First, the gospel is not a message about religion but a message about God's eternal love and purpose for all mankind. Religion wants to fix us from the outside in. God wants to fix us from the inside out. The first can become an impossible burden. The latter is what brings freedom.
Also, it's important to realize that no matter what we have ever done or have failed to do God loves us with an everlasting love and has a wonderful purpose for our lives—for this life and the next. As Jesus said, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."2 And again, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."3
Second, the gospel is a message about sin, something we are all guilty of. As the Bible says, "We have all sinned and fallen short of God's standard."4 Sin, however, is not only doing harmful acts. It is anything that falls short of the standard of perfection that God envisioned for us. This includes an unforgiving spirit, pride, jealousy, mixed motives, etc. Most of us, too, are guilty of sins of omission; that is, not doing what we know we should and could do.5
However, a common misconception about God is that he is out to punish us for our sins. The fact is we bring sin's punishment on ourselves because sin has its own natural consequences. If we try to break the universal law of gravity, for instance, we can't. It will break us. Neither can we break God's universal moral law. When we try to do so, it breaks us. And besides its painful effects in this life—suffering, sorrow, sadness, sickness and spiritual death—its ultimate and tragic consequence is eternal death and separation from God.6
Third, the gospel is a message about God's remedy. Because sin has separated or disconnected us from God, we have been left with a "God-shaped" vacuum or spiritual emptiness within. As St. Augustine put it, "You have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you." The world's many religions are all evidence of man's endless search to find God and fill this vacuum. However, because God loves us so much, he sent his own sinless Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from our predicament.7 Christ did this by dying on the cross in our place to pay the consequence of, and ransom price for, our sins—death. Thus, Jesus Christ is God's only provision for our sin. He is the only way back to God and the only door to eternal life.8
Finally, the gospel is a summons to faith and repentance. If you were found guilty of a serious crime and were condemned to death, would you accept a free unconditional pardon, if offered? Because Jesus Christ died on the cross in your and my place, God now offers you complete acquittal, forgiveness, and the gift of eternal life. All you need to do is confess and repent of [turn way from] your sinful actions, believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that he died for your sins, and invite him into your life as Savior and Lord.
The following prayer will help you do this. "Dear God, I confess that I am a sinner and am sorry for all the wrongs I have done and the sins that I have committed. I believe that your Son, Jesus Christ, died on the cross for my sins. Please forgive me for all my sins and I invite you, Jesus, to come into my heart and life as Savior and Lord. I commit and trust my life to you. Please give me the desire to be what you want me to be and to do what you want me to do. Thank you for dying for my sins, for your forgiveness and free pardon, for your gift of eternal life, and for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Romans 1:16 (NIV).
2. John 3:16 (NIV).
3. John 10:10 (NIV).
4. Romans 3:23.
5. James 4:17.
6. Romans 6:23.
7. See Ephesians 2:8-9.
8. See John 14:6 and Romans 5:8.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
selcouth SEL-kooth , adjective:
Strange; uncommon.
Its English is not more quaint than that of De Brunne himself; it contains no names more selcouth than he himself is in the custom of introducing…
-- Sir Walter Scott, The Poetical Works of Sir Walter Scott
To whom there's hardly any selcouth thing, but seems a juggling trick, that would delude their fancies with an empty wondering; therefore against it they with thundering words do ring.
-- George Starkey, An Exposition Upon the Preface of Sir George Ripley
Selcouth has odd Old English roots. It is related to the word seldom and the Old English word couth meaning "to know."
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RECIPE:
Forgotten Dessert
INGREDIENTS:
7 egg whites
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
Dash salt
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup whipping cream
Fresh or frozen strawberries or raspberries, for topping
TO PREPARE:
Heat oven to 450 degrees. Beat egg whites slightly. Add cream of tartar and salt; beat until very stiff. Continue beating, adding sugar gradually; beat until sugar is dissolved. Butter a 9-inch x 13-inch Pyrex dish. Spread mixture in dish; put in oven and turn off heat. Leave dessert in oven overnight. (Do not peek.) Next day, whip cream and spread over top of meringue. Refrigerate at least 4 hours before serving. To serve, cut into squares and top with sweetened strawberries or raspberries.
SERVES: 12
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Bean Bean Bake
Ready in: 30-60 minutes
Difficulty: 3/5
Serves/Makes: 10
INGREDIENTS:
1 can (15 ounce size) pork & beans
1 can (15 ounce size) pinto beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (15 ounce size) butter beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (15 ounce size) lima beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (15 ounce size) kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 pound bacon, chopped in 1-inch pieces
1 medium onion, sauteed in bacon dripping
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup ketchup
1/4 cup white wine vinegar
DIRECTIONS:
Heat the oven to 300 degrees F.
Cook the bacon in a large skillet until crisp. Remove the bacon pieces and drain on paper towels. Add the onion to the bacon drippings and
saute until browned.
Mix all of the ingredients in a 3-quart casserole and bake for 45 minutes until heated through; or heat in a crock pot for 4 hours on high, or 6 hours on low.
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Sausage and Mushroom Calzones
16 Oz. Pizza Sauce
12 Oz. Sweet Italian Sausage Casings Removed
1 Cup Mushrooms Sliced
1 Frozen Bread Dough Thawed
1 1/2 Cups Mozzarella Cheese Shredded
1 Tbsp. Parmesan Cheese Grated
1.Cook sausage and mushrooms in large
skillet until no longer pink;drain.
Stir in one can of pizza sauce.
2.Roll dough on lightly floured surface
to 12-inch circle. Place on greased cookie sheet.
Spoon sausage mixture over half the dough to within
1/2 inch of edge. Sprinkle with mozzarella.
3.Moisten edges of dough with water.Fold dough in half
over filling.Seal by pressing with tines of fork.
Cut slits in top of calzone. Brush with water;
sprinkle with Parmesan.
4.Bake at 375F,25 minutes or until golden. Heat
remaining can of pizza sauce and serve with calzone.
Serve with carrot and celery sticks and cherry peppers,
if desired.
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Chicken Salad
3-Cups cooked cubed Chicken
(I use the Chicken breast)
1 1/2 Cup Celery/Chopped fine
3-Hard boiled eggs/Chopped fine
4-Sweet Pickles/Grated
1- Tsp. Salt
Mayonnaise
Mix Chicken,Celery,Eggs,Pickles & Salt
Moisten with Mayonnaise
Serves 8
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A Touch of Green for Shady Places
You can grow healthy plants in a room without sunlight streaming in the windows— and even without a window— as long as you have the right types of plants. Pothos, ferns, peace lilies and prayer plants do not require a sunbath to be hale and hardy. Just be sure to keep them watered properly or placed in a shady and humid area such as the bathroom.
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JOKES:
CONFUCIOUS QUOTE: Look at the means which a man employs, consider his motives, observe his pleasures. A man simply cannot conceal himself!
SOMETHING TO PONDER: How can someone draw a blank?
You might be a REDNECK if...
...you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
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Observations On Growing Older
~Your Kids are becoming you...and you may not like them...but your grandchildren are Perfect!
~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!
~You Forget names ..... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words .... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody Whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ..... 2 of which you will never wear.
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
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The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?'
"Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, 'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'
'Oh, no,' said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, 'What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?'
Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, 'Would you like a smoke?'
'Oh my goodness no,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?'
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, 'Ahhh...mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?'
'Sure, that would be nice,' she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Southern Belle lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, 'I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?'
The lady said, 'The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.
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Bounce This Along
--looks to me that it must be the scented Bounce. EB
My mail carrier told me that the U.S. Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.
Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.
All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling..
7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan..
14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.
16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
22. Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe bugs off easily with the wet Bounce.
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29'.
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Be Prepared
"Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer."1
Sometimes the seemingly simple things in life can teach us some of the most important lessons. Take ants for example. Even though their "brain" (central ganglion or nerve) is less than one-tenth the size of a pinhead, ants live in highly organized social colonies. Some collect food, others build the nest and keep it clean, and some look after the queen ants. Nurse ants clean and feed the larvae. Soldier ants guard and protect the food-collecting ants. No wonder the Bible says, "Go to the ant …consider her ways and be wise."2
Among other lessons, the ants "who store up their food in the summer" teach us the importance of being prepared ahead of time for whatever might come our way. The Chinese proverb, "Dig your well before you're thirsty" makes the same point. Children and teenagers need to be prepared for life, for entering the work force, and for taking care of themselves. Those who are planning to be married should be prepared ahead for it; unfortunately too many aren't. And among taking care of various responsibilities, adults need to be prepared ahead for retirement and old age.
And most important of all, we need to be prepared for life after death when we will meet our Maker face to face. As God's Word says, "Prepare to meet your God,"3 and as Jesus taught about his return to earth, "Be ready; for when you least expect it, I will come."4 How tragic beyond all measure for those who aren't prepared for life after death. Whatever you do, don't let this happen to you. For help see "To Know God and be sure you're a real Christian" on line at: www.actsweb.org/christian.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to learn well from the ants and always be prepared for whatever lays ahead—especially my eternal well-being. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Proverbs 30:25 (NIV). 2. Proverbs 6:6. 3. Amos 4:12. 4. Matthew 24:44.
********************************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
brisance bri-ZAHNS , noun: The shattering effect of a high explosive.
The 'There' turned out to be crucial for the sense of brisance and closure and resolving issues of impotent rage and powerless fear that like accrued in Lenz all day being trapped in the northeastern portions of a squalid halfway house all day fearing for his life, Lenz felt. -- David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
But this was sustained explosion, reaching now and then a quite unendurable brisance. Yet he endured it, not so much because it was her will as, unbelievably, what had become her need. -- Thomas Pynchon, Against the Day
Brisance is a relatively new English word. It started being used commonly in the 1910s, but it can be traced to the Celtic word brissim meaning "to break."
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RECIPE:
Seriously Simple Beef Stew
time prep:15 min total:2 hr 25 min servingstotal:8 servings, 1 cup each 1 boneless beef chuck eye roast (2 lb.), cut into 1-inch chunks 2cups water 3/4cup KRAFT Original Barbecue Sauce 1-1/2lb. baking potatoes (about 3), cut into 1-inch chunks 6 carrots, peeled, cut into 1-inch-thick slices 1 onion, coarsely chopped 1/4cup A.1. Thick & Hearty Steak Sauce
make it
BRING meat, water and barbecue sauce to boil in Dutch oven or deep large skillet; cover. Simmer on medium-low heat 1 hour. ADD vegetables; stir. Cook, covered, 1 hour or until meat and vegetables are tender, stirring occasionally. STIR in steak sauce; cook 2 min.
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Irish Soda Bread
The luck o’ the Irish will undoubtedly be on your side when you bake this mouthwatering quick bread studded with currants. And if you’re really lucky, there will be leftove...read more time
prep:15 min total:1 hr 15 min servings total:16 servings what you need 3-1/4cups flour 1/3cup plus 1 Tbsp. sugar, divided 1tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder 1tsp. baking soda 1tsp. salt 1/2cup cold butter, cut up 1-1/3cups buttermilk 1/2cup currants
make it HEAT oven to 350°F. MIX flour, 1/3 cup sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. Cut in butter with pastry blender or 2 knives until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add buttermilk and currants; stir just until moistened. PLACE dough on lightly floured surface; knead 10 times. Shape into 2-1/2-inch-thick round. Place on baking sheet sprayed with cooking spray. Cut deep 1/2-inch "X" in top of dough; sprinkle with remaining sugar. BAKE 1 hour or until golden brown. Remove from baking sheet to wire rack; cool completely before cutting into wedges.
kraft kitchens tips STORAGE KNOW-HOW Store leftover bread in resealable plastic bag at room temperature up to 24 hours. Or, for longer storage, wrap tightly and freeze up to 2 months; thaw at room temperature before serving. SPECIAL EXTRAAdd 2 to 3 tsp. caraway seed to flour mixture along with the buttermilk and currants.SUBSTITUTESubstitute raisins for the currants.
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Pink Lemonade Bars
Crust •1 1/2 stick(s) (3⁄4 cup) butter, softened •1 1/2 cup(s) all-purpose flour •1/2 cup(s) confectioners' sugar
Topping •4 large eggs, at room temperature •2 cup(s) granulated sugar •1 tablespoon(s) freshly grated lemon zest • 1/2 cup(s) fresh lemon juice • 1/4 cup(s) all-purpose flour •1 teaspoon(s) baking powder • Red liquid food color
Directions 1.Heat oven to 350°F. Line a 13 x 9-in. baking pan with foil, letting foil extend above pan at both ends. Coat foil with nonstick spray. 2.Crust: Beat butter, flour and confectioners' sugar in a large bowl with mixer until blended (mixture will be crumbly). Press over bottom of pan. 3.Bake 15 minutes, or until light golden. Leave oven on. 4.Meanwhile, make Topping: In a large bowl, beat eggs, sugar, lemon zest and juice, flour and baking powder with mixer to combine. Add about 5 drops food color and beat until Topping is pink. Pour over the hot crust
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Baking a Cake?
To test if a cake is done, insert a toothpick (or a piece of uncooked spaghetti) into the center. If it comes out clean, it’s done. If you touch the cake and it springs back, that also means it’s done.
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Easy Tape Starter
Save time finding the beginning of an already-started roll of tape— just place a toothpick under the end each time you finish using it.
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JOKES:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000." The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
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9 Things That Will Disappear in Our Lifetime. The History Studies conducted at the Academy's "Paths Of History" Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come.....
1. The Post Office Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills. 2. The Cheque Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with cheque by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process cheques. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the cheque. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business. 3. The Newspaper The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services. 4. The Book You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book. 5. The Land Line Telephone Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes 6. Music This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption are the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalogue items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies." 7. Television Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want, to watch online and through Netflix.
8. The "Things" That You Own Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert. 9. Privacy If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7. "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. "They" will try to get you to buy something else, again and again.
All we will have left that can't be changed are "Memories"..... And then probably Alzheimer's will take that away from you too!
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You gotta love Robin Williams........Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'
1) 'The US, UK , CANADA and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.
6) The US, UK , CANADA and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere..' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army.. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE. Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '
********************************************** Adult Truths 1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 3. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 4. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 5. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 6. Bad decisions make good stories. 7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 8. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 9. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 10. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 11. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 15. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 17. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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Some of these are just too good not to pass along! I especially liked the bread tags one... very smart!
And the cookie dough on the outside of a muffin tin! 25 CLEVER IDEAS TO MAKE LIFE EASIER
Why didn’t I think of that? You’ll be uttering those words more than once at these ingenious little tips, tricks and ideas that solve everyday problems... some you never knew you had! . Hull strawberries easily using a straw. .
Rubbing a walnut over scratches in your furniture will disguise dings and scrapes. . Remove crayon masterpieces from your TV or computer screen with WD40 (also works on walls).
. Stop cut apples browning in your child’s lunch box by securing with a rubber band. Overhaul your linen cupboard – store bed linen sets inside one of their own pillowcases and there will be no more hunting through piles for a match. . Pump up the volume by placing your iPhone / iPod in a bowl – the concave shape amplifies the music. . Re-use a wet-wipes container to store plastic bags. . . Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily – who knew?. . Attach a Velcro strip to the wall to store soft toys. . Look up! Use wire to make a space to store gift wrap rolls against the ceiling, rather than cluttering up the floor. . Gotcha! Find tiny lost items like earrings by putting a stocking over the vacuum hose. . Make an instant cupcake carrier by cutting crosses into a box lid. . For those who can't stand the scrunching and bunching: how to perfectly fold a fitted sheet. . Forever losing your bathroom essentials? Use magnetic strips to store bobby pins (and tweezers and clippers) behind a vanity door. . A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every hotel! . A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to make them tip-resistant. . Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels. . Bake cupcakes directly in ice-cream cones – so much more fun and easier for kids to eat. Definitely doing this! . Microwave your own popcorn in a plain brown paper bag. Much healthier and cheaper than the packet stuff. . Brilliant space-saver: install a tension rod to hang your spray bottles. Genius! . Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks! . Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila – you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream. Click here for recipe. . Freeze Aloe Vera in ice-cube trays for soothing sunburn relief. . Gutter garden: Create a window-box veggie patch using guttering. . Use egg cartons to separate and store your Christmas decorations.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
The Way of Escape
1 Cor. 10:12-13, NKJV: "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."
It can be like being in the belly of a pitch black cave. The darkness envelops you. You are looking for one thing, and only one thing--the way out. And when you discover the way out, it will be clearly marked by one thing; and that is light. When you finally see the light, you are overjoyed and your spirit renewed because you have found your way; and there is hope once again. As we walk through life and the periodic personal valley of the shadows, we will often feel surrounded by ominous and ever-present temptations--temptations to give in to wants or ambitions; temptations to give up on a path believed to be God directed; or temptations to simply just give out when things seem unbearable. And though these times are difficult, troublesome, wearisome, or hurtful; the Light cannot be consumed by the darkness--the temptation cannot overcome the God who will bring you victory. When tempted away from trusting Christ, we must draw ever more near to Him; sitting at His feet, listening to His Word; resting in His lap. As the darkness tries to wrap around us, we must wrap ourselves in Christ. When the darkness pursues us, it is then we must pursue the Light more fervently. Go to Him, pray, open the Bible, and don't leave His side until He shows you the Light--the way of your escape.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
astringent uh-STRIN-juhnt , adjective: 1. Sharply incisive; pungent. 2. Medicine/Medical. Contracting; constrictive; styptic. 3. Harshly biting; caustic: his astringent criticism. 4. Stern or severe; austere.
noun: 1. Medicine/Medical. A substance that contracts the tissues or canals of the body, thereby diminishing discharges, as of mucus or blood. 2. A cosmetic that cleans the skin and constricts the pores.
One endeavors to correct, flushing out error and misconception with the astringent power of historical detail; the other treats the myth as meaningful cultural phenomenon in its own right, accounting for its emergence and tracing its development across time. -- Beth Newman, Emily Brontë, "Introduction," Wuthering Heights
But here too she was thinner, and going unripe, astringent. -- D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover
Related to the words strain and string, astringent comes from the Latin root stringere which meant "to draw tight.
********************************************** RECIPE & TIPS:
Protect Your Pets
Be sure to store or throw away your food, including leftovers, as soon as possible—don’t leave anything out on a kitchen counter where your pet can get to it. Meat bones can choke or damage a pet’s throat or intestinal tract.
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Soothe the Salsa
If your salsa is too intense, mix in a few drops of vanilla extract. It tames the heat, making it seem less spicy.
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Banana Cake Balls WHAT YOU NEED
1/2 cup cold milk 1 pkg. (3.4 oz.) JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding 1 small fully ripe banana, mashed 1 pkg. (10.75 oz.) frozen pound cake, thawed, crumbled into fine crumbs 3 pkg. (4.4 oz. each) milk chocolate bars, chopped 2 Tbsp. multi-colored sprinkles PREP TIME
30 min (plus refrigerating)
MAKES 36 servings, 1 cake ball each MAKE IT
1Stir milk and pudding mix in medium bowl with large spoon just until pudding mix is moistened. Immediately add bananas and cake crumbs; mix well. 2Shape into 36 (1-inch) balls; place on waxed paper-covered rimmed baking sheet. Freeze 1 hour. 3Melt chocolate in medium micorwaveable bowl on HIGH 1-1/2 min., stirring after 1 min. Dip balls in chocolate; return to baking sheet. Top immediately with sprinkles. Let stand until coating is firm.
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Paradise Cake ----------------------------------
1 package Yellow cake mix (for 2 layer) 1 package Vanilla pudding instant 20 ounces Crushed pineapple-undrained 5 Bananas;sliced 2 cups Pecans-chopped 1 large Cool Whip
Bake yellow cake mix according to package directions in a 9x13" pan. When baked,pour pineapple over cake. Slice bananas and place evenly over cake. Mix pudding and pour over cake and fruit. Top pudding with chopped nuts. Cover all with Cool Whip.Garnish with more chopped nuts and cherries
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Slutty Brownies The Best Brownies In The WORLD.
ingredients
1 Box of cookie mix, 1 Box of brownie mix, 2 Eggs, 2 Packs of Oreos (double stuffed ones are even better if you can find them) Some oil & your favourite ice-cream (optional)
directions
1 Preheat your oven to 350°F, 180C, gas mark 4. 2 Line a baking tray with grease proof paper. 3 Follow the instructions on the cookie mix box & stir furiously until you have gooey cookie dough, I usually add a little extra water and oil to what they suggest, it just keeps it moist as you’ll be baking it for longer than suggested. An extra teaspoon of each is just right. 4 Squidge (technical term) the cookie dough into a lined baking tray, until it covers the bottom. 5 Cover this layer with your Oreos. Don’t use the broken ones, eat them as you go. This recipe is too glorious to use substandard Oreos. 6 Mix up your brownie batter. Just stick to the recipe on the box for this one. 7 pour over your Oreos. 8 Bake for 30mins. 9 Remove from the oven and leave to cool. 10 When its still a little bit warm, use the paper to lift your creation out of the tray and rest it on a chopping board. 11 Use a large, sharp knife to cut it into manageable chunks, sections, slabs... depending on how many calories you think you can handle in one sitting.
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Broiled Tilapia Parmesan
Flavorful recipe for this farm raised fish that is easy and done in minutes! The fish is broiled with a creamy cheese coating for an impressive flavor and texture.
Servings: 8
Ingredients
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese 1/4 cup butter, softened 3 tablespoons mayonnaise 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice 1/4 teaspoon dried basil 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1/8 teaspoon onion powder 1/8 teaspoon celery salt 2 pounds tilapia fillets
Directions
1. Preheat your oven's broiler. Grease a broiling pan or line pan with aluminum foil. 2. In a small bowl, mix together the Parmesan cheese, butter, mayonnaise and lemon juice. Season with dried basil, pepper, onion powder and celery salt. Mix well and set aside. 3. Arrange fillets in a single layer on the prepared pan. Broil a few inches from the heat for 2 to 3 minutes. Flip the fillets over and broil for a couple more minutes. Remove the fillets from the oven and cover them with the Parmesan cheese mixture on the top side. Broil for 2 more minutes or until the topping is browned and fish flakes easily with a fork. Be careful not to over cook the fish
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JOKES: "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy
THINGS TO PONDER: What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?
You might be a REDNECK if... ...you had your anniversary dinner at the Food Court in the Mall.
You might be a REDNECK if... ...you may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
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So you don't know Jack Schitt He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt. **********************************************
A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them.
She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.
She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.
His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"
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Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit"
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WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly Underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and Calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story..... Have a great day and remember.... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Heaven Is Beautiful
"Then I saw 'a new heaven and a new earth,' for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"1
You may have seen the video about the blind man sitting by the side of the road begging but wasn't receiving much help. A passerby came along, read the man's sign and walked on. Then she stopped, returned to the beggar, picked up his sign and re-wrote the message, then went on her way.
The response to the beggar's sign improved dramatically. All day long passerby people were throwing coins into his lap. Late in the day a lady stopped to talk to him wanting to know how his day went. The beggar recognized the lady so excitedly asked what she did to his sign that made all the difference.
His sign had said, "I'm blind. Please help." The lady had turned it over and wrote, "It is a beautiful day and I can't see it."2
Dear reader, when it comes to God and spiritual sight we are blind and cannot see with human eyes what lay ahead. Let us be sure to listen to what God has to say about heaven. Not only is it God's dwelling place but right now Jesus is there preparing a place for all his true followers and promised to return to take us there.3
It's beauty is beyond compare. Here's a tiny glimpse: "The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass."4
Best of all, God will be there and there will no longer be any need for the sun or the moon as the Bible says, "The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp."5 And all of his true followers will be there in their new heavenly body—and there will be no more sickness, sadness or sorrow, no more parting, and no more dying.
Heaven is indeed beautiful. Whatever you do, make sure you get to see it.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that you have given your Son, Jesus, to die in my place on the cross to pay the penalty for all my sins, and in so doing you have offered me a full pardon for all my sins and with that a home in Heaven to be with you for all eternity. Help me to be certain that I have received your forgiveness and have accepted your invitation to Heaven. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Revelation 21:1-5 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
horn·swog·gle [hawrn-swog-uhl] Show IPA
verb (used with object), -gled, -gling. Slang . to swindle, cheat, hoodwink, or hoax.
Word Origin & History
hornswoggle "to cheat," 1829, probably a fanciful formation.
********************************************** RECIPE:
Pork Paprikash
Sweet paprika and sour cream characterize this classic Hungarian dish, which is traditionally served over buttered egg noodles soak up the sauce.
Serves: 4 Total Time: 25 min Prep Time: 15 min
Ingredients Coarse salt Ground pepper 8 ounce(s) wide egg noodles 1 tablespoon(s) butter, cut into pieces 1 (1-pound) pork tenderloin, excess fat and silver skin removed, halved lengthwise, then cut 2 tablespoon(s) sweet paprika 2 tablespoon(s) olive oil 1 medium onion, chopped 1 can(s) (14-ounce) whole peeled tomatoes in juice 1/2 cup(s) sour cream Chopped parsley (optional), for garnish
Directions
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook noodles until tender; drain and return to pot. Stir in butter; cover and set aside. Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, combine pork with 1 tablespoon paprika; season with salt and pepper, and toss to coat. In a large skillet, heat 1 tablespoon oil over medium-high; cook pork, tossing occasionally, until lightly browned on all sides, 3 to 5 minutes. Transfer to a plate (reserve skillet). Return skillet to stove; reduce heat to medium. Add remaining tablespoon oil and onion; cook until onion is soft, 4 to 5 minutes. Add pork, remaining tablespoon paprika, tomatoes with their juice, and 1/2 cup water; bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer; cook, until sauceis slightly thickened, breaking up tomatoes with a spoon, 2 to 4 minutes. Remove skillet from heat, and stir in sour cream; season with salt and pepper. Serve paprikash over noodles, garnished with parsley, if desired.
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Soy-Glazed Salmon
Serves: 4 Edit Yields: 4 servings Total Time: 30 min Oven Temp: 400
Ingredients 1/4 cup(s) packed light-brown sugar 1/4 cup(s) olive oil 3 tablespoon(s) soy sauce 2 tablespoon(s) fresh lemon juice 2 tablespoon(s) dry white wine or water 2 pound(s) salmon fillet Lemon wedges, for serving
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees with a rack in the center. Make the glaze: In a small bowl, stir brown sugar, olive oil, soy sauce, lemon juice, and white wine until the sugar has dissolved. Cut salmon fillet into 4 equal-size pieces; arrange, skin side down, in a single layer in a baking dish. Pour glaze over the fish, and turn to coat evenly. Bake until fish is opaque but still bright pink inside, basting every few minutes with glaze from baking dish, 15 to 20 minutes. Serve with lemon wedges.
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Fast Chicken Fajitas
Serves: 4 Edit Total Time: 25 min Prep Time: 25 min
Ingredients 1 1/2 pound(s) (about 8) chicken cutlets 2 tablespoon(s) vegetable oil, such as safflower 1 teaspoon(s) chili powder Coarse salt Ground pepper 3 bell peppers, ribs and seeds removed, thinly sliced 1 medium red onion, halved and thinly sliced 4 clove(s) garlic, thinly sliced 8 (6-inch) flour tortillas Fresh cilantro leaves, for serving 1/2 cup(s) reduced-fat sour cream, for serving Lime wedges, for serving
Directions
Heat broiler, with rack set 4 inches from heat. Arrange chicken on a rimmed baking sheet lined with aluminum foil; rub with 1 tablespoon oil. Sprinkle with chili powder, and season with salt and pepper. Broil, without turning, until chicken is opaque throughout, 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from oven; set aside. On another rimmed baking sheet lined with foil, toss peppers, onion, garlic, and remaining tablespoon oil; season with salt and pepper. Broil, tossing occasionally, until vegetables are crisp-tender and slightly charred, 6 to 8 minutes. Meanwhile, thinly slice chicken crosswise. Stack and wrap tortillas in a damp paper towel; microwave on high until warm, about 1 minute. Transfer chicken and pepper mixture to a platter, and serve with tortillas, cilantro, sour cream, and lime wedges.
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Grilled Pepper-Crusted Sirloin
Serves: 4 Edit Total Time: 25 min Prep Time: 5 min
Ingredients
1 1/2 pound(s) sirloin steak 2 teaspoon(s) coarse salt 4 teaspoon(s) cracked black pepper
Directions
Heat grill to medium-high. Season both sides of steak with salt and pepper Lightly oil grates and place steak on grill; cover grill and cook to desired doneness (about 10 minutes per side or 135 degrees on an instant-read thermometer for medium-rare). Remove from grill; cover with foil, and let rest for 10 minutes.
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Quick Energy Boost
If you have to think on your feet, grab a handful of raw pumpkin seeds. Tyrosine, an amino acid found in pumpkin seeds, helps your mind work like a well-oiled machine
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JOKES:
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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Ponderisms
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What's another word for synonym?
If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Riddles
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
-Lunch and Dinner
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
-A secret
What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?
-A stream
Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
-Quit imagining!
What has to be broken before it can be used?
-An egg
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Caretaking
"For each one should carry his own load."1
Caretaking, when it is a symptom of codependency, is being so concerned about taking care of others that we neglect to take responsible care of ourselves. It's also feeling responsible for somebody else's happiness and for their negative feelings as well.
It is good to be kind to others, but when we do things for them that they should, could and need to be doing for themselves, we are not being helpful or loving. We are encouraging overdependence.
The bottom line is motive. The codependent caretaker may look like he is doing something for someone else but he's really doing it for himself—to be liked, to have others think he is wonderful, to feel needed and wanted, or trying to earn love. But love cannot be earned. It's a gift. If it has to be earned, it's conditional and isn't love—it's need.
One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is to take responsible care of ourselves and be responsible for our own happiness. And one of the kindest things we can do for others is to allow them to do the same. This is a part of what I believe Paul meant when he said, "Every man shall bear his own burden or carry his own load."
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to help another where he or she can't help him/herself, but help me not to take over another's responsibilities when he/she needs to be taking care of him/herself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Galatians 6:5 (NIV).
********************************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
furcate FUR-keyt , verb, adjective; 1. To form a fork; branch. adjective: 1. Forked; branching.
Quotes: The root systems of an ancient tree seemed to furcate and furrow the surface of his thighs, and where his skin was not covered in dark hair, it was strangely rippled with wild webs of some kind of tissue just beneath the skin. -- Michael Chabon, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay: A Novel Just focus your attention on the eyes and let your mind furcate as it will. -- Patrick Moran, Tsunami Sundog
Origin: Furcate is from the Medieval Latin word furcatus which meant "cloven."
********************************************** RECIPE:
Chocolate-Coconut Cherry Creme Fudge
Ingredients Metric Conversion chart 1 can(s) (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk) 2 tablespoon(s) stick butter or margarine (not spread) 2/3 cup(s) (4 ounces) vanilla chips 2 cup(s) (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips 1/2 cup(s) dried pitted tart cherries, chopped 1/2 cup(s) sweetened shredded coconut
Directions Line a 9-inch square pan with foil, letting foil extend above pan on 2 sides. Stir milk and butter in medium-size saucepan over low heat until butter melts. Measure 1/3 cup into a small bowl, add vanilla chips and stir until melted. Stir in cherries. Add chocolate chips to mixture in saucepan; stir until melted, returning to heat if necessary. Using half the vanilla mixture, drop small teaspoonfuls into prepared pan, leaving spaces between each. Sprinkle with half the coconut. Spread chocolate mixture evenly on top, then spoon on remaining vanilla mixture. Sprinkle with remaining coconut. Refrigerate at least 8 hours until firm enough to cut. Lift foil by ends to cutting board. Cut fudge in 1-inch squares. Store airtight with waxed paper between layers. Proceed through Steps 1 and 2, substituting 2/3 cup butterscotch chips for the vanilla chips and 1 cup thin chow-mein noodles for the dried cherries. Continue through Step 3, substituting butterscotch mixture for vanilla mixture. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup coarsely chopped salted mixed nuts (in place of the coconut). Spread with chocolate mixture; sprinkle with another 1/4 cup coarsely chopped salted mixed nuts. Proceed through Step 4.
********************************************** Brownie Ice Cream Sandwiches
Ingredients Metric Conversion chart 2 box(es) (19.8 oz each) family-style dark chocolate fudge brownie mix (we used Duncan Hines) 6 large eggs 1 cup(s) oil 1/2 cup(s) water 2 teaspoon(s) vanilla extract 1 1/2 container(s) (1.5 quart each) vanilla ice cream (let sit at room temperature 12 minutes to soften)
Directions Heat oven to 350ºF. Line two 15 x 10 x 1-in. baking pans with nonstick foil, leaving a 2-in. overhang on each short end. Prepare each box brownie mix separately using 3 eggs, 1/2 cup oil, 1/4 cup water and 1 tsp vanilla extract (for cake-like brownies). Spread mixture evenly in prepared pans. Bake 25 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in centers comes out clean. Cool completely. Lifting foil by ends, place brownies onto a baking sheet; cover. (Brownies can be stacked with foil in between.) Refrigerate or store at room temperature until ready to assemble. Reline one baking pan with nonstick foil. Scoop ice cream into pan, spreading evenly. Freeze 3 hours or overnight until firm. Place one sheet of brownies on baking sheet. Invert ice cream onto brownies; remove foil from ice cream. Invert remaining sheet of brownies on top; peel off foil. Cover with plastic wrap; freeze until serving. Cut in 10 rows lengthwise and 3 crosswise to make thirty 3 x 1 1/2-in. rectangles. Garnish plates with blueberries if desired.
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Orange Glazed Carrots
Baby carrots are simmered in a sweet sauce of orange juice, brown sugar and butter.
Servings: 4
Ingredients
1 pound baby carrots 1/4 cup orange juice 3 tablespoons brown sugar 2 tablespoons butter 1 pinch salt
Directions
1. Place carrots in a shallow saucepan, and cover with water. Boil until tender. Drain, and return carrots to pan. 2. Pour orange juice over carrots, and mix well. Simmer over medium heat for about 5 minutes. Stir in brown sugar, butter, and salt. Heat until butter and sugar melt.
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Strawberry-Banana Smoothie
1 ripe banana 2/3 c. fresh or unsweetened frozen strawberries 3/4 c. skim milk 1/2 c. plain lowfat or no fat yogurt 1/2 t. vanilla
Put all ingredients into a blender and process until smooth and creamy.
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Breakfast Casserole Great for hungry guests. Very filling, and will last until lunch!
Servings: 8
Ingredients
1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup 1 (16 ounce) container sour cream 1 (2 pound) package frozen hash brown potatoes, thawed 1 cup cubed, cooked chicken meat 1 cup diced ham 1 onion, chopped 3/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese 1 cup crushed potato chips 1/4 cup butter, melted
Directions
1. Combine undiluted soup, sour cream, hash browns, cubed chicken and ham, onions, and cheese. Pour into a lightly greased 9 x 13 inch pan. 2. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 minutes. Top with crumbs, and drizzle with melted butter or margarine. Bake for another 15 minutes
********************************************** Revive Old Nail Polish
If your nail polish has gotten thick and gloppy, let the bottle sit in hot water for about 5 minutes, and it should be as good as new.
*******************************************
JOKES:
Funny Puns and One-Liners
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Without geometry, life is pointless
***************************************
Doctor Jokes
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
************
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
***********
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
**********
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
*************************************
Lawyer Jokes
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
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What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes
**************
You Might Be a Lawyer if...
you are charging someone for reading these jokes. you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one. you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill. you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written. your other car is a BMW. when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer. when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Guilt Throwers and Guilt Catchers
"The Lord shall judge the peoples."1
When we stop codependent caretaking, we can expect to get lots of flack, especially if we've been doing this for someone for a long time. They, too, are not likely to give up their overdependence without a struggle. Some will pout, some may "scream and holler" and some may get downright nasty. They are very adept at playing the "blame-game" and will do all in their power to make us feel guilty and/or ashamed.
Getting blame/shame/guilt thrown at us is bound to happen. But if we catch (accept) it, that's our problem and we'll need to work on that.
To stop catching these "fiery darts" we need, first of all, to see them for what they are and say kindly but firmly to the thrower, "You're not trying to make me feel guilty are you?" or "You're not trying to make me feel bad are you?"
They will deny it of course, but if we stop catching what they're throwing, eventually they will at least stop throwing it to us.
However, if we are blame/shame/guilt throwers ourselves, we need to admit what we are doing (as it is a way of "dumping our stuff" onto others) and take full responsibility for resolving "our stuff" (our own unresolved problems/issues). And, if we are blame/shame/guilt catchers, we need to see this for what it is and stop allowing others to "dump their stuff" on us.
At times we may need to confront irresponsible people with the truth of their actions, but it isn't our responsibility to make them feel guilty. Guilt is best left to the Holy Spirit.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me neither to be a blame/shame/guilt thrower or catcher, but to own and take responsibility for my 'stuff' (unresolved issues/problems) and become the whole and mature person you have envisioned for me to be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Psalm 7:8 (NKJV).
********************************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
profluent PROF-loo-uhnt , adjective: Flowing smoothly or abundantly forth.
Half the congregation — Gwen's family and friends — reached the door ahead of me, their nonchalance more powerful, more profluent than my most intense desire. I could only crawl toward the chapel doors. -- Stephanie Grant, The Passion of Alice
In southern Arizona, it rains in summer, and I'm impatient for the monsoon torrents of August, for an indulgence of water, a baptism that will roister over rocks and swell profluent down the mountainside, roll through the rubble of the canyon floor... -- Caitlin L. Gannon, Southwestern Women: New Voices
Profluent is derived from the Latin word profluere, which meant "to flow forth."
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Not Quite Cockamamie Facts about Cockatoos
Cockatoos may come across as snobby little critters, but it simply takes them longer to warm up to people. When they do, they can be very affectionate too. Keep cockatoos away from children. There are birds that love the ruckus children make, but cockatoos don’t belong to that group. They have very little patience for kids and have been known to get aggressive around children. The cockatoo’s crest is not there just for vanity. The birds actually use those head feathers to convey messages to one another. Cockatoos are the only parrots that are naturally white. When other parrots are white, it is usually because they are albinos or have mutated genetically. Asthmatic people should think twice about getting a cockatoo for a pet. The bird produces dust in the process of keeping its feathers healthy. Cockatoos are not the best talkers, but they make up for it by being natural dancers and acrobats. They are easier to train to do action tricks than verbal tricks.
********************************************** RECIPE:
Easy Cheddar Wafers
Active Time: 10 Minutes Total Time: 30 Minutes Yield: About 48 Wafers (serving size: 1 wafer)
INGREDIENTS 1/2 pound sharp Cheddar cheese, grated (about 2 cups) 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened 1/4 teaspoon celery seeds 1/2 teaspoon worcestershire sauce 1/4 teaspoon dry mustard 1/4 teaspoon Tabasco sauce 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper 1 cup all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon kosher salt DIRECTIONS
In a standing mixer or food processor, beat the cheese, butter, celery seeds, Worcestershire, dry mustard, Tabasco and cayenne on medium speed or process until smooth. Add the flour and beat on low speed or process until combined. Gather the dough into a ball and knead a few times on a lightly floured surface. Shape the dough into a 12-inch log, wrap in plastic and refrigerate until firm. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Sprinkle 2 baking sheets with the salt. Slice the log 1/4 inch thick and arrange the slices 1 inch apart on the baking sheets. Bake the wafers for about 20 minutes, or until lightly browned on the bottom and around the edges. Transfer them to a wire rack to cool before serving.
************************************** Orange Grove Cake
Ingredients
1 cup butter, softened 1-3/4 cups sugar 4 eggs 1/3 cup orange juice 2 teaspoons grated orange peel 3 cups cake flour 2-1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt 2/3 cup 2% milk
FILLING: 1/2 cup sugar 1 tablespoon plus 2 teaspoons cornstarch 2/3 cup orange juice 2 tablespoons water 3 egg yolks, beaten 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1 teaspoon grated orange peel 1/8 teaspoon salt
SYRUP: 1/2 cup sugar 1/3 cup water 1/4 cup orange juice 1 teaspoon orange extract
FROSTING: 1 cup butter, softened 4 cups confectioners' sugar 3 tablespoons heavy whipping cream 1 teaspoon grated orange peel 1 teaspoon orange extract 1/4 teaspoon salt
Directions
In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in orange juice and peel. Combine the flour, baking powder and salt; add to the creamed mixture alternately with milk, beating well after each addition. Transfer to two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans. Bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely. For filling, in a small saucepan, combine sugar and cornstarch. Stir in orange juice and water until smooth. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1 minute or until thickened. Remove from the heat. Stir a small amount of hot mixture into egg yolks; return all to the pan, stirring constantly. Bring to a gentle boil; cook and stir 1 minute longer. Remove from the heat; gently stir in the lemon juice, orange peel and salt. Cool to room temperature without stirring. Refrigerate for 1 hour. For syrup, in a small saucepan, bring the sugar, water and orange juice to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes or until reduced to about 1/2 cup. Remove from the heat; stir in extract. Cool. For frosting, in a large bowl, beat butter until light and fluffy. Add the remaining ingredients; beat until smooth. Cut each cake horizontally into two layers. Place bottom layer on a serving plate; brush with 2 tablespoons syrup and spread with 1/3 cup filling. Repeat layers twice. Top with remaining cake layer; brush with remaining syrup. Frost top and sides of cake. Yield: 16 servings.
**********************************************
Chicken Provencal
The flavors are bold in this French saute with a sauce of tomatoes, garlic, rosemary, olives, and just enough anchovy paste to give the sauce depth.
Serves: 4 Prep. time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 20 minutes 1 tablespoon cooking oil 1 whole chicken, (about 3 to 3 1/2 pounds), cut into eight pieces 3/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper 1 small onion, chopped 4 garlic cloves, minced 1/2 cup red wine 1 1/2 cups canned crushed tomatoes in juice 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme 1/3 cup Kalamata olives, halved and pitted or other black olives 1 teaspoon anchovy paste
In a large, deep frying pan, heat the oil over moderately high heat. Season the chicken with 1/4 teaspoon each of the salt and pepper and put it in the pan. Cook the chicken until browned, turning, about 8 minutes in all. Remove the chicken from the pan. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon fat from the pan. Reduce the heat to moderately low. Add the onion and the garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion starts to soften, about 3 minutes. Add the wine to the pan and simmer until reduced to about 1/4 cup, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the tomatoes, rosemary, thyme, olives, anchovy paste, and the remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt and simmer for 5 minutes. Add the chicken thighs and drumsticks and any accumulated juices. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. Add the breasts and cook until the chicken is just done, about 10 minutes more. Add the remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper.
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Piña Colada Upside-Down Cake PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr 30 min SERVINGS 8 1/4 cup unsalted butter 1 cup packed light brown sugar 1 cup shredded coconut 1 can (20 oz) pineapple slices in juice, drained, 2 tablespoons juice reserved 1 box Betty Crocker® SuperMoist® vanilla cake mix 1 cup reduced-fat (lite) coconut milk (not cream of coconut) 1/2 cup olive oil 3 eggs
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Place butter in 13x9-inch (3-quart) glass baking dish; place in oven until butter is melted. 2 Remove baking dish from oven. Sprinkle brown sugar evenly over melted butter. Sprinkle coconut over brown sugar. Arrange pineapple slices over coconut, pressing lightly to set each one in place. 3 In large bowl, place cake mix, reserved 2 tablespoons pineapple juice, the coconut milk, oil and eggs. Stir vigorously about 2 minutes or until well combined and batter is smooth. Let stand 2 minutes; stir again. Pour batter into pan, spreading evenly. 4 Bake 40 to 45 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean. Immediately run knife around sides of baking dish to loosen cake. Place cookie sheet upside down over baking dish. Turn cookie sheet and baking dish over; leave baking dish over cake 5 minutes to let brown sugar mixture drizzle down onto cake. Remove baking dish; cool 30 minutes before serving. Store in refrigerator.
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Banana Cake Balls Sunday, March 4, 2012 9:22 PM Ingredients
1/2 cup cold milk 1 (3.4 ounce) package JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding 1 small fully ripe banana, mashed 1 (10.5 ounce) package frozen pound cake, thawed, crumbled into fine crumbs 3 (4.4 ounce) packages milk chocolate bars, chopped 2 tablespoons multi-colored sprinkles
Directions
Stir milk and pudding mix in medium bowl with large spoon just until pudding mix is moistened. Immediately add bananas and cake crumbs; mix well. Shape into 36 (1-inch) balls; place on waxed paper-covered rimmed baking sheet. Freeze 1 hour. Melt chocolate in medium microwaveable bowl on HIGH 1-1/2 min., stirring after 1 min. Dip balls in chocolate; return to baking sheet. Top immediately with sprinkles. Let stand until coating is firm.
**********************************************
Strawberry, Kiwi, And Spinach Salad
Ingredients
2 tablespoons raspberry vinegar 2 1/2 tablespoons raspberry jam 1/3 cup vegetable oil 8 cups spinach, rinsed and torn into bite-size pieces 1/2 cup chopped walnuts 8 strawberries, quartered 2 kiwis, peeled and sliced
Directions
Mix together raspberry vinegar, raspberry jam, and vegetable oil in a small container. Combine spinach, nuts, strawberries, and kiwi in a salad bowl. Toss with raspberry dressing.
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JOKES:
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
********************************************** Signs that you need to get away from the computer
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'
Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
**********************************************
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
********************************************** A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
**********************************************
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is
********************************************** Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Obsession With Confession
"Don't recite the same prayer over and over as the heathen do, who think prayers are answered only by repeating them again and again."1
Confession of all sins and wrongdoing is not only essential for receiving God's forgiveness, but also for achieving physical, emotional and spiritual healing and total well-being. However, a word of warning: Confession without repentance is a game.
Repentance means to turn around and go a different way; that is, turning from negative to positive behavior. To confess and not genuinely seek to discover and resolve the causes behind our negative behavior/s means that we don't want to face the real issues and are using confession as a salve to soothe our conscience. When we keep repeating this pattern, our confession may have become an "obsession with confession" and nothing but a smoke screen behind which to hide our real selves.
As Jesus said, "When you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."2
The bottom line for effective prayer and genuine confession is the motive behind the prayer; that is, being honest with ourselves and with God with a genuine desire to overcome the sins and faults we are confessing.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me never to use confession or any religious ritual as a means of hiding from my true self. Help me to always be honest with myself and with you. And may my confessions always be genuine; and grant that, with your help, I will overcome my sins and faults. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus name, amen."
1. Mathew 6:7 (TLB)(NLT). 2. Mathew 6:7-8 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
cant kant , verb: 1. To talk hypocritically. 2. To speak in the whining or singsong tone of a beggar; beg.
noun: 1. Insincere, especially conventional expressions of enthusiasm for high ideals, goodness, or piety. 2. The private language of the underworld. 3. The phraseology peculiar to a particular class, party, profession, etc. 4. Whining or singsong speech, especially of beggars.
I don't deny but that may sooner teach a Man to Cant and talk Gibberish, or use fair, smooth, formal Phrases, and religious Words. -- Richard Ward and Sarah Hutton, The Life of Henry More
A philanthropist by nature, he is not one of� those dreamers� who hate all that will not aid their one pet scheme, and� cant about a general brotherhood which exempts them from particular charity. -- Robert Alfred Vaughan, Hours with the Mystics
Cant comes from the same Latin word as chant, the Latin word for song, cantus. The sense of "insincere talk" arose in the early 1700s.
********************************************** RECIPE:
Spiral Stromboli
Ingredients
1 tube (11 ounces) refrigerated crusty French loaf 3/4 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese 3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese 1/4 pound each thinly sliced deli salami and ham 1/4 cup chopped roasted red peppers or 1 jar (2 ounces) pimientos, drained 1 tablespoon butter, melted 2 tablespoons shredded Parmesan cheese
Directions
Unroll the dough and pat into a 14-in. x 12-in. rectangle. Sprinkle with mozzarella and cheddar cheese to within 1/2 in. of edges; top with meat and red peppers. Roll up jelly-roll style, starting with a short side; seal seam and tuck ends under. Place seam side down on a greased baking sheet. Brush with butter; sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Bake at 375° for 25-30 minutes or until golden brown. Slice with a serrated knife. Yield: 4 servings.
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Glazed Salmon
Ingredients
4 salmon fillets (6 ounces each) 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon pepper 2 tablespoons brown sugar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard 1 teaspoon ground cumin
Directions
Place salmon in a greased 11-in. x 7-in. baking dish; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Combine the remaining ingredients; spoon over fillets. Bake, uncovered, at 400° for 10-15 minutes or until fish flakes easily with a fork. Yield: 4 servings.
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Hamburger Noodle Bake
Ingredients
2 cups uncooked egg noodles 1/2 pound lean ground beef (90% lean) 2 tablespoons finely chopped onion 1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce 1/4 teaspoon sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon garlic salt Dash pepper 1/4 cup cream-style cottage cheese 2 ounces cream cheese, softened 1 tablespoon thinly sliced green onion 1 tablespoon chopped green pepper 1 tablespoon sour cream 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
Directions
Cook noodles according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, cook beef and onion until meat is no longer pink; drain. Remove from the heat; stir in the tomato sauce, sugar, salt, garlic salt and pepper. In a small bowl, combine the cottage cheese, cream cheese, green onion, green pepper and sour cream. Drain noodles; place half of noodles in a greased 1-qt. baking dish. Spoon half of beef mixture over the top. Layer with cottage cheese mixture and remaining noodles. Top with remaining beef mixture; sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Cover and bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until heated through. Yield: 2 servings
********************************************** Double Chocolate Brownies
Ingredients
cooking spray 1/4 cup(s) butter 2/3 cup(s) sugar, granulated 1/2 cup(s) water 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 cup(s) flour, all-purpose 1/4 cup(s) cocoa powder, unsweetened 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/4 cup(s) chocolate chips, semisweet miniature 2 teaspoon sugar, powdered
Preparation 1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Lightly coat the bottom of a 9x9x2-inch baking pan with nonstick cooking spray, being careful not to coat sides of pan.
2. In a medium saucepan, melt butter; remove from heat. Stir in granulated sugar, the water, and vanilla. Stir in flour, cocoa powder, and baking powder until combined. Stir in chocolate pieces. Pour batter into prepared pan.
3. Bake for 15 to 18 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack. Remove from pan. Cut into 16 bars. Sprinkle with the powdered sugar.
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CREAMY FRUIT TARTS
INGREDIENTS 1 cup Bisquick original baking mix. 2 tablespoons sugar 1 tablespoon stick margarine or butter, softened 2 3-ounce packages cream cheese, softened 1/4 cup sugar 1/4 cup sour cream 1 1.2 cup assorted fruit slices or berries 1/3 cup apple or apricot jelly, melted
DIRECTIONS: Heat oveb to 375 degrees. Mix baking mix, 2 tablespoons sugar, the margarine and 1 package cream cheese in small bowl until dough forms a ball. Divide into 6 parts. Press each part dough on bottom and up 3/4 inch sides of 6 tart pans, 4 1/4x1 inch or 10 custard cups. Place on cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes or until light brown; cool on wire rack. Remove tart shells from pans. Beat remaining package cream cheese, 1/4 cup sugar and sour cream until smooth. Spoon into tart shells, spreading over bottoms. Top each with fruit mixture
********************************************* First Aid for Indoor Plants
If you see insects in the plant’s soil, add a few drops of liquid dishwashing detergent to warm water, and use it to water the plant.
********************************************** JOKES:
'those are personal questions
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
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You might be a REDNECK if... ...you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
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"Yesterday's failures are today's seeds that must be diligently planted to be able to abundantly harvest tomorrow's successes." - Author Unknown
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"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
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So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Forgiveness: The Power That Heals
"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results."1
In response to a recent Daily Encounter on the relation between confession and healing I received the following email from a man I will call John:
"Dear Dick, I am a pastor of 39 years of age and have found what you said about confession and physical healing to be absolutely true. It has happened to me.
"This occurred after I confessed guilt regarding holding onto bitterness against a person who hurt me when I was a child. Even though I had often said that I had let the hurt and the bitterness go, I hadn't.
"But God showed me I needed to confess and repent of my bitterness and I heeded His voice this time. And so I told this person's marriage partner, who is a dear friend of mine, that I needed forgiveness for having borne that grudge for so many years. I received it—with love and affirmation—and since I confessed my guilt I have lost a severe backache which had afflicted me for 17 years (and for which I had many medical sessions of manipulation, etc). You see, the root of my problem had actually been a spiritual [as well as an emotional] issue and not merely a medical/physical one.
"So, thank you for your insightful and thoroughly Biblical spiritual ministry."
God has given us directives and/or principles that cover every area of life and death. The smartest thing we can do is to adhere to and follow these.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for your Word that contains directives and principles for healing, wholeness and happiness. Give me the hunger to learn these, the wisdom to understand them, and the good sense to apply and follow them. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. James 5:16 (NLT).
********************************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
appertain ap-er-TEYN , verb: To belong as a part, right, possession or attribute.
Natural rights are those which appertain to man in right of his existence. Of this kind are all the intellectual rights, or rights of the mind, and also all those rights of acting as an individual for his own comfort and happiness… -- Thomas Paine, Common Sense and Other Writings
In all matters of discovery and invention, even of those that appertain to the imagination, we are continually reminded of the story of Columbus and his egg. -- Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
…and since Phillotson's success in obtaining at least her promise had become known to Jude, he had frankly recognized that he did not wish to see or hear of his senior any more, learn anything of his pursuits, or even imagine again what excellencies might appertain to his character. -- Thomas Hardy, Jude the Obscure
Appertain stems from the Old French word apertenir which meant "to belong." The prefix ap- is a variation of the prefix ad- which means "toward."
********************************************** RECIPE & HINTS:
Prevent Paint from Dripping
Attach a paper plate—use double-sided tape or glue—to the bottom of the paint can. All drips will stay on the plate, keeping the bottom of the can clean. The can will not stick to the floor, a ladder, a tarp, a table top or any other surface.
********************************************** Creamy Egg Salad
Melt 2 Tbsp butter. Stir in 2 Tbsp flour. Whisk in 1 cup whole milk and simmer until thickened. Mix in 1 lb cooked potatoes (diced); 2 stalks celery, 1 onion, ½ cup olives, 1 roasted pepper and 6 hard-boiled eggs (all chopped).
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Spinach Frittata Beat 8 eggs, 4 scallions (chopped), and one 10-oz pkg frozen spinach (thawed and squeezed). Cook, covered, in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat until set. Sprinkle with shredded Swiss cheese
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Baked French Toast In a baking dish, whisk together 3 eggs, 1 Tbsp water and ¼ tsp vanilla extract. Soak 4 slices cinnamon-raisin bread for 5 min. Bake at 350°F until golden brown
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Pineapple & Cream Cheese Omelet
Fill an omelet with drained crushed pineapple, cream cheese and crumbled bacon
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Herbed Chicken with Wild Rice
Ingredients
1 package (6 ounces) long grain and wild rice mix 6 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (5 ounces each) 1 tablespoon canola oil 1 teaspoon butter 1/2 pound sliced fresh mushrooms 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of chicken soup, undiluted 1 cup water 3 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled 1 teaspoon dried parsley flakes 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme 1/4 teaspoon dried tarragon
Directions
Place rice in a 5-qt. slow cooker; set aside seasoning packet. In a large skillet, brown chicken in oil and butter. Add to slow cooker. In the same skillet, saute mushrooms until tender; place over chicken. In a small bowl, combine the soup, water, bacon, herbs and contents of seasoning packet. Pour over top. Cover and cook on low for 4-5 hours or until meat is tender. Yield: 6 servings.
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JOKES:
"The first requisite of success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem without growing weary." - Thomas Edison
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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.
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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after.
********************************************** The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Think and Grow Peaceful
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."1
In his article, "Today I Will Make a Difference," Max Lucado wrote, "Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference."2
The reality is that we eventually become what we constantly think about for "what the mind dwells on the body acts on."
Admittedly, controlling our thoughts can be much easier said than done. To succeed, it not only needs consistent practice and mental discipline, but also the resolution of things that "bug" us. For instance, if we have any major unresolved personal conflicts with accompanying super-charged negative emotions, these can have a major effect on our thinking. They can be compared to having a throbbing toothache that literally controls our thinking. Because of the pain, it's just about impossible to think about anything else until we get to the dentist and have the aching tooth taken care of.
To live a peaceful life, it is imperative that we learn to control and consistently think positive thoughts. And to control our thoughts, it is imperative that we resolve any and all personal conflicts. In other words, if we want to live peacefully we need to get all our "emotional-tooth-aches" resolved.
Suggested prayer, "Dear God, thank you that your Word teaches the importance of positive thinking 'about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.' Please help me to live in harmony with your will, be rid of all guilt by confessing my sins, and resolving all personal conflicts so that I will be able to fix my 'thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.' Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer, gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Philippians 4:8 (NLT).
********************************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
liege leej , adjective: 1. Loyal; faithful. 2. Owing primary allegiance and service to a feudal lord. 3. Pertaining to the relation between a feudal vassal and lord.
noun: 1. A feudal lord entitled to allegiance and service. 2. A feudal vassal or subject.
The materialist, liege to his own system, is incapable of doing anything but put one after another the results of his observations. -- Agostino Da Montefeltro, Conferences Of; Delivered in Rome During Lent 1889
Subjects were required to give their liege to their lord. -- Paul L. Williams, The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Crusades
Liege is of uncertain origin. It either came from the Middle English word leidig meaning "free" or from the Late Latin word for serf, laeticus. Both roots identified the relationship between a vassal, or serf, and his superior.
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TODAY'S PET TIP
Low-Calorie Dog Treat
Obesity in dogs is a major health concern. Want a low-cal dog treat tip? Think veggies! Carrot niblets, snow peas, green beans, and celery make great snacks.
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RECIPE:
Chicken Chili
2 jars navy beans 1 jar salsa 1 lb cubed,cooked chicken breast (may use other cooked chicken parts if you prefer) 1 can chicken broth 8 oz pepper jack cheese
heat until heated through and cheese is melted
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Orange Cream Cheese Bread
Serves: 2 loaves Prep Time: 15 Min Cook Time: 55 Min Ingredients
1-8 oz package cream cheese, softened 1/2 c shortening 1 2/3 c granulated sugar 2 eggs 2 1/4 c all-purpose flour 1 tsp salt 1 Tbsp baking powder 1 c milk 1/2 c chopped walnuts 2 Tbsp grated orange peel 1/4 c orange juice
Directions
1 Combine cream cheese and shortening, creaming well. 2 Gradually add sugar, beating until light and fluffy. 3 Add eggs, beating well after each addition. 4 Combine flour, baking powder and salt; add to creamed mixture alternately with milk, beginning and ending with flour mixture. Mix well after each addition. 5 Stir in walnuts and orange peel. 6 Pour batter into 2 greased and floured 8-1/2 x 4-1/2 x 3 inch loaf pans. 7 Bake at 375 degrees F for 55 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted into center comes out clean. 8 Let cool in pan for 10 mintues. Then sprinkle orange juice over loaves. Remove to wire rack to finish cooling
********************************************** Crunchy Hamburger Casserole
A casserole classic with noodles, ground beef, cream of mushroom soup, and French-fried onions. Quick, easy, and really good.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
2 cups uncooked egg noodles 1 pound ground beef 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of mushroom soup 1 can (14-1/2 ounces) tomatoes, drained 3/4 cup shredded cheese (Cheddar, Colby, Monterey Jack, etc.) 3/4 cup diced green bell pepper (optional) salt and pepper to taste 1 can (2.8 ounces) French-fried onions
Cook the noodles according to package directions. Drain well. In a nonstick skillet, brown the meat. Drain off any excess fat. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Combine the noodles, beef, soup, tomatoes, cheese, and green pepper. Add salt and pepper to taste. Pour into a greased 9-inch by 13-inch baking dish. Cover and bake for 40 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle the onions on top. Bake for an additional 5 minutes. Serve hot.
********************************************** Chicken and Wild Rice Casserole
Yield: Serves 4 to 6.
1 box wild rice mix 4 chicken breasts, boned and skinned 1 medium tomato, seeded and chopped 1 small red onion, diced 2 ribs celery, diced 1/3 cup pecans, chopped 1 cup light mayonnaise 1 teaspoon salt, or to taste 1/2 teaspoon black pepper 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg 8 ounces shredded Monterey Jack cheese
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Prepare the rice according to the package directions. Place the chicken breasts in the bottom of a greased 13x9-inch casserole dish. In a large bowl, combine the rice with all of the remaining ingredients except the cheese. Spoon the rice mixture around the chicken breasts. Sprinkle the cheese on the chicken and rice. Cover and bake for 30 minutes. Remove the cover and cook 15 minutes more, or until the cheese is brown and bubbly and the chicken is cooked through.
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Barbecue Beef Sandwiches ---------------------------------- 4 lbs Chuck or arm roast 1 scant cup of water 1 bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce
Put your meat and water in a crockpot and salt and pepper to taste. Let cook for about 8-10 hours on low till tender. Remove meat and cool, then shred , removing any fat. Put back in crock pot , with some of the leftover roast drippings. Add barbque sauce , mix and allow to stay warm till you are ready . Serve on hamburger buns.
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JOKES:
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
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If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing…..
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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A Kiss is not just a Kiss. . .
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked.... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.
"Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.
"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."
"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed it to the officers. They looked it over for a moment and handed it back to him.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
The old man says, "I know gentlemen, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook." **********************************************
Definition of Irony The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever. Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
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