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REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Roll Call in Heaven
Referring to Heaven God's Word says, "On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb's [Jesus Christ's] book of life."1
Recently Joy and I attended a Memorial Service on the Marine Base at Camp Pendleton here in Southern California. Our town is next door to Camp Pendleton, and our church is very involved with the Engineer Corps. Among a variety of ways we support the marines, whenever a contingent is sent overseas, our church is given the name of each marine so members can choose one of the marines to be a prayer partner for him.
Sadly, one of the marines for whom Joy and I were prayer partners was killed in action earlier this year. This is why we attended the Memorial Service in his honor.
It was an extremely moving ceremony. There were quite a few marines who took part in the service and, during Roll Call, their names were called out one at a time by the Officer in charge. Each marine loudly answered "present" when his name was called. When the name of "our" marine, Lance Corporal Alejandro Yazzie, was called, there was no answer. The Officer called his name louder … still no answer. A third time his name was called—very loud this time. Dead silence followed! It was so sad that Joy and I cried. Family members and other marines cried too. Lance Corporal Yazzie had died serving his country.
After the ceremony I couldn't help but think about the time when it will be "Roll Call in Heaven." Imagine, if you can, when the name of a loved one is called and there is no response? What if God calls his/her name a second time … and a third time … and still there is no answer? The sound of silence will be deafening … and devastating.
The question we all need to face is this: at the Roll Call in Heaven when your name is called, will you be there to answer? Also, we need to think of those of our loved ones whose names will not be called and do something about it now. *
As today's Scripture vividly reminds us, only those whose names are written in the Lamb's [Jesus Christ's] book of life will be there to answer, "Present."
To make absolute certain that your name is written in the book of life, please read the article, "How to Be Sure You're a Real Christian," at: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian. Be sure to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior so that when the roll is called in Heaven, you will be able to answer with confidence, "PRESENT."
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that you gave your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place to pay the penalty for all my sins so that I can be freely forgiven and receive your gift of eternal life, and in so doing, have my name written in your book of life. Because of your forgiveness I can know with assurance that when the roll is called in Heaven I'll be there. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Revelation 21:25-27 (NIV)
*Note: To help loved ones be able to answer "Present" when their names are called at the "Roll Call in Heaven" see helps at: www.actsweb.org/people_power02.php.
*************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
haberdasher -
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Warning Signs of Dementia Contributed by Eleanor McConnell, PhD, RN, GCNS-BC
Dementia is not a specific disease but a group of symptoms caused by disorders that affect the brain. Serious memory loss that affects your ability to carry out everyday life activities such as driving a car, shopping, or handling money is a common symptom of dementia. Dementia may affect other parts of your thinking, such as your ability to solve problems or to use words properly. Depending on the type of dementia, these problems may develop slowly over months or years, or they may happen more suddenly.
Not every memory problem is a sign of something serious. It is common to forget or to lose things sometimes, or to make a mistake. Memory loss that begins suddenly or that gets in the way of your daily life may suggest a more serious problem.
Warning Signs There are warning signs that should be shared with your health care team, such as:
Asking the same questions over and over again Becoming lost in places you know well Not being able to follow directions Getting very confused about time, people and places Not taking care of yourself – eating poorly, not bathing, or being unsafe Warning signs alone do not mean you have dementia. However, they may indicate the need for further evaluation. Hearing and vision impairment, reactions to medications, depression, and other medical conditions may be mistaken for dementia. These should be ruled out before a diagnosis of dementia is made.
Evaluation An exam by your health care provider can help identify whether changes in your memory and thinking are due to dementia or another problem. It can also help determine what treatment is best. After an evaluation, you can discuss appropriate treatment and support and get help with future planning. The exam may include:
Getting a history of your symptoms Doing a review of all your medications Performing a physical exam, including cardiovascular and neurological, vision and hearing Administering objective cognitive testing, such as a brief memory test Ordering lab tests such as blood tests and urinalysis Sometimes your health care provider may want to order additional tests such as:
Neuropsychological testing Lumbar puncture (spinal tap) Computed tomography scan (CT scan) or magnetic resonance image (MRI) of the brain Other specialized laboratory tests Your health care team wants to know about memory problems or other changes in your thinking and daily function that you or your loved ones have noticed. They can check out what is going on and determine whether it is due to dementia. Then they can help you find ways to handle these problems better. Are you or someone you care about having memory problems that concern you? If yes, talk with your health care team and share your concerns. They can help you.
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Missy's Peanut Butter Passion Cake
Serves: 10-12 Prep Time: 30 Min Cook Time: 50 Min
Ingredients
FOR CAKE: 2 c sugar 1 c vegetable oil 2 eggs 1 tsp vanilla extract 3 c all purpose flour 3/4 c cocoa, unsweetened 2 tsp baking powder 2 tsp baking soda 1 1/2 tsp salt 1 c coffee, room temperature (water can be substituted for the coffee but it's purpose is to enhance the chocolate flavor of the cocoa) 1 c buttermilk
FOR FROSTING: 8 oz cream cheese, room temperature 1 c peanut butter, creamy 1/2 c powdered sugar 1/2 tsp salt 12 oz non-dairy whipped topping, thawed (cool whip) 1/2 c chocolate sandwich cookie crumbs (oreos) 2 c chopped peanut butter cups 1/4 c prepared fudge frosting (any brand)
Directions
1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 2 Grease and flour a 9x13x2-inch pan, 2 9-inch round pans, 3 8-inch round pans or 1 10-inch round pan and set aside. 3 Using an electric mixer, combine sugar, oil, eggs and vanilla; beat 1 minute. 4 Gradually add remaining ingredients (alternating wet and dry) and beat for 2 to 3 minutes at medium speed. 5 Pour batter into prepared pan(s) and bake for approximately 40 to 50 minutes or so until cake is done. Cool for 5 minutes and carefully remove from pan(s). Note: 8-inch and 9-inch cakes will bake in less time than 10-inch and 9x13x2-inch cakes so check for doneness. 6 Using an electric mixer, combine cream cheese, powdered sugar, salt, peanut butter until smooth. 7 Using a spatula, gently fold in whipped topping until smooth. Chill frosting for about an hour (even overnight is okay). This frosting tastes like a creamy peanut butter mousse. 8 Spread cake with frosting and sprinkle all over with chocolate sandwich cookie crumbs. Garnish with chopped peanut butter cups and warmed fudge frosting or as desired. 9 For the cooking contest, I carefully cut each peanut butter cup in half and placed it on the cake (as shown in the photo) but what I really like to do is buy 2-3 packages of individually wrapped peanut butter cups (I think there are 8 in a package) and chop them up into chunks. This is easier to do if they're slightly chilled. Pile them onto the top of the cake (broken pieces, crumbs and all) and drizzle that with the softened fudge frosting (first soften it in the microwave for about 10 seconds - just long enough to thin it). Chill until serving time. 10 For a gourmet touch, I like to split the layers or sheet cake in half and spread frosting between the layers as well. If you do it this way (and it’s worth it to do it), the cake is much easier to work with if it’s very well chilled. Who doesn’t like extra layers of frosting? You could also sprinkle finely chopped peanut butter cups on top of the frosting between the layers.
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Tomato-Vegetable Stew with Cheddar Cheese Dumplings
Craving comfort food? Here's a delicious meatless option you can have on your dinner table in an hour.
PREP TIME 20 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr SERVINGS 6 Stew 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 3 1/2 cups coarsely chopped onions (2 to 3 large) 3/4 cup coarsely chopped celery (1 to 2 medium stalks) 2 cups frozen Italian green beans 1 can (28 oz) Muir Glen® organic diced tomatoes, undrained 1 3/4 cups Progresso® chicken broth (from 32-oz carton) 1 teaspoon dried basil leaves 1/4 teaspoon pepper
Cheddar Cheese Dumplings 1 1/2 cups Gold Medal® self-rising flour 1/2 teaspoon ground mustard 1/4 cup shortening 1/2 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese (2 oz) 2/3 cup milk
1 In 4- to 5-quart Dutch oven, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add onions and celery; cook, stirring frequently, until tender. 2 Stir in remaining stew ingredients. Heat to boiling. Reduce heat to low; simmer uncovered 15 to 20 minutes or until beans are tender. 3 Meanwhile, in medium bowl, stir together flour and mustard. With pastry blender or fork, cut in shortening until mixture looks like coarse crumbs. Stir in cheese. Add milk; stir just until dry ingredients are moistened. 4 Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls onto simmering stew. Cover; cook over medium-low heat 20 to 25 minutes or until dumplings are firm when pressed.
Expert Tips Resist the urge to stir too much! Dumplings require very little mixing when the milk is added to the dry ingredients. If the dough is overmixed, the dumplings can become heavy and tough, so mix just until the dry ingredients are moistened. For a great go-along with this meatless meal, add sunflower nuts and matchstick-cut carrots to your favorite salad greens and toss with ranch dressing. For the final touch, pass around bowls of extra shredded Cheddar cheese to serve with this yummy stew.
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Slow Cooker Chicken Stew with Pepper and Pineapple
The yummy gingery-flavored sauce is delicious! To get every last drop, spoon stewed chicken, pepper and pineapple over hot cooked rice.
PREP TIME 20 min TOTAL TIME 8 hr 35 min SERVINGS 4 1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into 1 1/2-inch pieces 4 medium carrots, cut into 1-inch pieces 1/2 cup Progresso® chicken broth (from 32-ounce carton) 2 tablespoons finely chopped gingerroot or 1 teaspoon ground ginger 1 tablespoon packed brown sugar 2 tablespoons soy sauce 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice 1/2 teaspoon red pepper sauce 1 can (8 ounces) pineapple chunks in juice, drained and juice reserved 1 tablespoon cornstarch 1 medium bell pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 Mix all ingredients except pineapple, cornstarch and bell pepper in 3 1/2- to 6-quart slow cooker. 2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 7 to 8 hours (or high heat setting 3 to 4 hours) or until vegetables are tender and chicken is no longer pink in center. 3 Mix reserved pineapple juice and cornstarch until smooth; gradually stir into chicken mixture. Stir in pineapple and bell pepper. 4 Cover and cook on high heat setting about 15 minutes or until slightly thickened.
Note: This recipe was tested in slow cookers with heating elements in the side and bottom of the cooker, not in cookers that stand only on a heated base. For slow cookers with just a heated base, follow the manufacturer’s directions for layering ingredients and choosing a temperature.
Expert Tips (Total time will vary with appliance and setting.) Cornstarch doesn't mix well into hot liquids, especially soups and stews. Stirring the cornstarch into the reserved pineapple juice before adding it to the stew helps prevent lumps. To make this great stew extra-special, just sprinkle with sliced green onions and toasted coconut or chopped peanuts or cashews.
Nutrition Information: 1 Serving (1 Serving)Calories 210 (Calories from Fat 35 ),Total Fat 4 g(Saturated Fat 1 g,Cholesterol 70 mg;Sodium 680 mg;Total Carbohydrate 19 g(Dietary Fiber 3 g,Protein 27 g;Percent Daily Value*:Vitamin A 100.00%;Vitamin C 32.00%;Calcium 4.00%;Iron 10.00%;Exchanges:1 Fruit;1 Vegetable;4 Very Lean Meat;*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
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Harvest Beef Stew Best stew, loaded with beef and six kinds of vegetables, is certainly the best stew you'll ever bake.
PREP TIME 35 min TOTAL TIME 4 hr 45 min SERVINGS 8
2 lb beef stew meat, cut into 1-inch cubes 4 medium carrots, cut into 1-inch pieces 2 medium onions, cut into eighths 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 can (28 oz) Muir Glen® organic diced tomatoes, undrained 1/3 cup uncooked quick-cooking tapioca 1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil leaves or 1 teaspoon dried basil leaves 1 tablespoon cumin seed 1 teaspoon salt 8 ears Green Giant® Nibblers® frozen corn-on-the-cob or 1 box (9 oz) Green Giant® Niblets® frozen whole kernel corn 8 small red potatoes, cut in half (1 lb) 2 small zucchini, thinly sliced
1 Heat oven to 325ºF. In Dutch oven, mix all ingredients except corn, potatoes and zucchini. Cover; bake 2 hours 30 minutes, stirring 2 or 3 times during the first 1 hour 30 minutes. 2 Stir in corn and potatoes. Cover; bake 1 hour to 1 hour 30 minutes longer or until beef and vegetables are tender. 3 Stir in zucchini. Cover; let stand 10 minutes before serving.
Expert Tips Tapioca's not just for pudding! Tapioca is used to thicken this hearty stew because it doesn't need to be stirred and won't break down during the long baking process. Use an ovenproof Dutch oven and cover. Check the manufacturer's information of your Dutch oven to be sure. Don't use one with plastic handles on the pot or cover if you're not certain it's ovenproof.
Nutrition Information: 1 Serving (1 Serving)Calories 350 (Calories from Fat 125 ),Total Fat 14 g(Saturated Fat 5 g,Cholesterol 70 mg;Sodium 540 mg;Total Carbohydrate 34 g(Dietary Fiber 5 g,Protein 27 g;Percent Daily Value*:Vitamin A 100.00%;Vitamin C 20.00%;Calcium 6.00%;Iron 26.00%;Exchanges:1 Starch;4 Vegetable;1/2 Fat;*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
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Slow Cooker Cowboy Stew
PREP TIME 10 min TOTAL TIME 8 hr 10 min SERVINGS 6 1 1/4 pounds beef stew meat 4 potatoes, unpeeled, cut into 1-inch pieces 1/2 cup chopped onion 1 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon pepper 1 can (28 ounces) baked beans in barbecue sauce
1 In 3 1/2- to 4-quart slow cooker, mix beef, potatoes, onion, salt and pepper. Spread beans over beef mixture. 2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 8 to 10 hours or until beef is tender.
Expert Tips Serve with crusty bread for mopping up all the good stew juices. Bagged salad greens make a tasty side.
NUTRITION INFO: 1 Serving (1 Serving)Calories 370(Calories from Fat 110),Total Fat 12g(Saturated Fat 5g,Trans Fat ncg),Cholesterol 65mg;Sodium 1030mg;Total Carbohydrate 46g(Dietary Fiber 8g,Sugars ncg),Protein 28g;Percent Daily Value*:Vitamin A 26.00%;Vitamin C 12.00%;Calcium 8.00%;Iron 42.00%;Exchanges:3 Starch;0 Fruit;0 Other Carbohydrate;0 Skim Milk;0 Low-Fat Milk;0 Milk;0 Vegetable;3 Very Lean Meat;0 Lean Meat;0 High-Fat Meat;1 Fat;Carbohydrate Choices:nc;*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
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Slow Cooker Winter Vegetable Stew
Want to offer your family more veggies? Try this rich and hearty stew you can fix and forget.
PREP TIME 40 min TOTAL TIME 8 hr 40 min SERVINGS 8
2 cans (14.5 oz each) Muir Glen® organic diced tomatoes with Italian herbs, undrained 4 medium red potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 4 medium stalks celery, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (2 cups) 3 medium carrots, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (1 1/2 cups) 2 medium parsnips, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces 2 medium leeks, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 1 can (14 oz) vegetable broth or 1 3/4 cups Progresso® chicken broth (from 32-oz carton) 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary leaves 3 tablespoons cornstarch 3 tablespoons cold water
1 In 4- to 5-quart slow cooker, place all ingredients except cornstarch and water. 2 Cover; cook on Low heat setting 8 to 10 hours. 3 In small bowl, mix cornstarch and water; gradually stir into stew until blended. Increase heat setting to High; cover and cook about 20 minutes longer, stirring occasionally, until thickened.
Expert Tips Parsnips, root vegetables that look like creamy white carrots, have a slightly sweet flavor. If you don't have any on hand, you can use carrots instead. Enjoy this meatless meal with a loaf of crusty Italian bread. Hot coffee and pie provide a sweet ending. Sprinkle the stew with chopped fresh chives or thyme leaves and shredded Parmesan cheese.
NUTRITIONAL INFO: 1 Serving (1 Serving)Calories 130(Calories from Fat 10),Total Fat 1g(Saturated Fat 0g,Trans Fat ncg),Cholesterol 0mg;Sodium 560mg;Total Carbohydrate 31g(Dietary Fiber 5g,Sugars ncg),Protein 4g;Percent Daily Value*:Vitamin A 94.00%;Vitamin C 26.00%;Calcium 8.00%;Iron 12.00%;Exchanges:1/2 Starch;0 Fruit;0 Other Carbohydrate;0 Skim Milk;0 Low-Fat Milk;0 Milk;4 Vegetable;0 Very Lean Meat;0 Lean Meat;0 High-Fat Meat;0 Fat;Carbohydrate Choices:nc;*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
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Double-Chocolate Chip Cookies
PREP TIME 30 min TOTAL TIME 30 min SERVINGS 24
1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/4 cup butter or margarine, softened 1/2 teaspoon vanilla 1 egg white 1/2 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 3 tablespoons unsweetened baking cocoa 1/2 teaspoon baking soda Dash salt 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 Heat oven to 375°F. In large bowl, beat brown sugar and butter with electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy, or mix with spoon. Beat in vanilla and egg white. 2 Stir in flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt. Stir in chocolate chips. Onto ungreased cookie sheet, drop dough by teaspoonfuls about 2 inches apart. 3 Bake 8 to 9 minutes or until set (do not overbake). Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack.
Expert Tips Like most low-fat cookies, these chocolate cookies are best eaten within a day or two of baking.
Nutrition Information: 1 Serving (1 Cookie)Calories 70(Calories from Fat 30),Total Fat 3g(Saturated Fat 1 1/2g,Trans Fat 0g),Cholesterol 5mg;Sodium 50mg;Total Carbohydrate 9g(Dietary Fiber 0g,Sugars 6g),Protein 0g;Percent Daily Value*:Vitamin A 0.00%;Vitamin C 0.00%;Calcium 0.00%;Iron 2.00%;Exchanges:0 Starch;0 Fruit;1/2 Other Carbohydrate;0 Skim Milk;0 Low-Fat Milk;0 Milk;0 Vegetable;0 Very Lean Meat;0 Lean Meat;0 High-Fat Meat;1/2 Fat;Carbohydrate Choices:1/2;*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
*************************** Chicken Enchilada Mummies
Halloween fun comes to life with just a squiggle of sour cream in this chicken-stuffed dish.
PREP TIME 30 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr 20 min SERVINGS 12
2 teaspoons vegetable oil 6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 2 1/2 lb), cut into 1-inch pieces 1 medium onion, chopped (1/2 cup) 1 teaspoon ground cumin 1 teaspoon garlic salt 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano leaves 1 1/2 cups sour cream 3/4 cup chopped roasted red bell peppers (from a jar) 1 can (4.5 oz) Old El Paso® chopped green chiles 3 cups finely shredded Mexican cheese blend (12 oz) 2 cans (10 oz each) Old El Paso® enchilada sauce 12 Old El Paso® flour tortillas (8 inch)
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Spray 13x9-inch (3-quart) and 8x8-inch (2-quart) baking dishes with cooking spray. 2 In 12-inch skillet, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken and onion; cook and stir 4 to 5 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink in center. Stir in cumin, garlic salt and oregano. Cook 1 minute longer; drain if necessary. Pour chicken mixture into large bowl. 3 Reserve 2 tablespoons sour cream in small bowl; refrigerate. Into bowl of chicken mixture, stir remaining sour cream, roasted peppers, chiles and 1 1/2 cups of the cheese blend. 4 Spread heaping 3/4 cup chicken mixture in center of each tortilla. Roll up tortillas; arrange 8 seam-side down in 13x9-inch baking dish and 4 seam-side down in 8x8-inch baking dish. 5 Top each baking dish evenly with enchilada sauce. Sprinkle with remaining 1 1/2 cups cheese. Spray 2 sheets of foil with cooking spray; cover each baking dish with foil, sprayed side down. 6 Bake about 50 minutes or until enchiladas are hot. Place reserved 2 tablespoons sour cream in Ziploc® Brand snack bag. Seal bag; cut off 1 corner of bag. Squeeze bag to pipe eyes and mouth on each mummy.
Expert Tips Have additional sour cream, chopped cilantro or sliced ripe olives available so guests can top their enchiladas to their liking.
If enchiladas are done before guests are ready, cover baking dishes with foil and hold in 200°F oven for up to 30 minutes.
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"
A poor old lady fell over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor -- she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!" He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening!"
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. "Mexicans" wasn't the right answer either.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims friended me!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"
The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.
*************************** A Thanksgiving classic.. A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any... Longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you ...call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.
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THINGS TO PONDER: Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Tallulah Bankhead "If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
Christopher Marlowe "Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position."
Zsa Zsa Gabor "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
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You might be a REDNECK if... ...your home has more miles on it than your car. ----------------------------------
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd." ------------------------------
How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?
Wave at him.
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Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man... Name: (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)
Age: _____________
Inner Child's Age: _______
Age in Dog Years: _______
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________ Sex:
_____ M _____ F
_____ Hermaphrodite
_____ Still working it out in therapy
Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man... Occupation: ___ Massage Therapist ___ Astral Counsel ___ Pet Psychologist ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful) ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful) ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine ___ Rent-A-Mob protester ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake ___ LA rock star groupie ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer ___ Professional Emotional Victim
Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________ Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them as tax deduction(s)
Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of Ro`seanne's multiple personalities: ____
Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________
Where were you were conceived:
____ Woodstock ____ Monterey
____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
Number of copies sold: ____
Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____ Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___
Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____ Ta `lk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report
Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____
Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour")
Number of bongs you own: ____ Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:
Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities)
____ Green Party ____ American Communist Party ____ Socialist Party ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans) ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party
How far is your home from the waterline: ___ Miles ___ Yards ___ Feet ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose
Number of surfboards owned: ____ Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know)
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A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
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Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Revelation 3:18-20
(18) I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. (19) As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. (20) Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. Christians are the victims of an age that is apathetic to a true relationship with God. Would anybody in all honesty admit that he would not care to eat a meal with and fellowship with Jesus Christ? Yet, He is reporting that in His own church there are some who know that He is at the door, yet will not rouse themselves to answer it and fellowship with Him! They are refusing to fellowship with Him. They are so far from Him that they do not even see their need. If there is no awareness of need, there is no desire; no desire, no prayer; no prayer, no relationship, and back to no awareness of need. It runs in a vicious circle. God is hoping that He can stir us up enough to repent and break out of the cycle—by rekindling an awareness of need. Awareness of need is in us because we are close enough to Him to see clearly how holy, gracious, kind, merciful, and good He is, and then we will want to be like He is. In other words, we so admire and respect Him and His qualities that we want to be near Him and will chase after Him, diligently seeking after Him like a lover seeking after his love. We will exalt Him and seek to honor Him by being like Him. This is what happens when two people are in love. That is why God uses the Bridegroom/Bride and wedding analogy. It is our responsibility to seek Him with all our might—with everything in us.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
flaxen FLAK-suhn , adjective; 1. Of the pale yellowish color of dressed flax or linen. 2. Resembling flax. 3. Pertaining to flax. 4. Made of flax.
Quotes: The man with the flaxen beard rushed across to tell him and then hurried out by the archway. -- H.G. Wells, When the Sleeper Wakes
From it there descended two men - one flaxen haired and tall, and the other dark haired and of slighter build. -- Nikolai Gogol, Dead Souls
Origin: Flaxen, related to flax, is probably from Proto-Germanic base fleh-, meaning "to weave, plait."
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The Most Successful Way to Brainstorm
There are many situations where we get together in groups to generate ideas. We usually call these events "brainstorming sessions." The term brainstorming actually comes from a technique developed by Alex Osborn in the 1950s following some basic intuitively reasonable rules like listing every idea that comes to mind and withholding criticism of ideas at first.
The problem with group brainstorming sessions is that the technique is often ineffective. That is, groups that get together to generate ideas often generate fewer ideas than the individual group members would generate if they worked alone. A number of scientific studies have backed up this productivity loss from brainstorming.
Because of the observation that brainstorming often backfires, researchers have explored ways to improve brainstorming techniques. For example, research that I did with my colleagues Julie Linsey and Kris Wood explored methods that involve having people generate ideas individually before getting together as a group. That helps to increase the number and quality of ideas people generate.
An interesting study by Jonali Baruah and Paul Paulus published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology in 2011 examined the influence of the aspect of the problem people think about on the performance of the group.
Many difficult problems that require brainstorming to solve are multifaceted. For example, if college students wanted to make suggestions about ways to improve their college campus, they could focus on academics, faculty, athletics, activities or dorm life.
Baruah and Paulus had groups of three college students generate ideas to improve their campus. For some groups, each student was asked to focus on a different element of the campus. For other groups, each group member was given all three topics and was asked to generate ideas about each one.
The researchers also varied the relationship among the topics. Some facets of a problem are similar. For example, the academics of a school and the faculty are similar. In contrast, academics and dorm life are more dissimilar. Some groups were given suggestions for three related topics, while the other groups were given suggestions for three unrelated topics. All of these groups were compared to a control group that got no instructions except to generate ideas to improve the campus.
In this study, the best combination of instructions was for each group member to receive all three topics as a focus and for those topics to be as dissimilar as possible. This combination of instructions led to the largest number of ideas, and the greatest variety of ideas. This set of instructions also led to ideas that were generally more original than those that the group with no instructions were able to generate.
What do these results mean, practically speaking?
When you generate ideas in a group, it is often possible to bring together people with different types of expertise. In group settings, each person will use the perspective defined by their area of expertise to guide them in generating ideas. The present results suggest that having people who come from different perspectives can be useful, but it is most useful if each group member first identifies their area of expertise and encourages other people to envision the problem from their perspective as well. In that way, the group gets the benefit of having many different points of view, but also the benefit of having many people thinking about the problem from this diversity of perspectives.
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You might be a REDNECK if... ..the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
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Easy Halloween Sloppy Joes
1 pound ground beef 1 large onion,chopped 1-1/2 cups ketchup 3/4 cup sweet pickle relish 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 8 hamburger buns,split 8 slices process American cheese 2 baby dill pickles,sliced
In a large skillet,cook beef and onion over medium heat until the meat is no longer pink;drain. Stir in the ketchup,relish and brown sugar. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes or until heated through. Spoon over hamburger bun halves. Cut each slice of cheese diagonally. Cut one piece diagonally again. Use two smaller triangles as eyes and large triangle as mouth. Put 1 slice pickle on each eye. Yield: 8 servings
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Butterscotch Baked Pears Active Time: 15 Minutes Total Time: 55 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
I wouldn't say no to a scoop of vanilla ice cream with this dessert. INGREDIENTS 4 ripe but firm pears 1/2 lemon 6 tablespoons butter, cut into pieces 1/4 cup sugar 1/4 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar 2/3 cup heavy cream 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 tablespoon Scotch whiskey (optional)
DIRECTIONS Heat the oven to 375 degrees F. Peel the pears, cut them in half lengthwise and, using a melon baller, scoop out the cores. Rub them all over with the lemon half to prevent browning.
In a large (10-inch), heavy-based, ovenproof skillet, melt the butter. Add the sugar and brown sugar and stir to dissolve. Arrange the pears in the pan, cut side down, in a single layer. Bake the pears uncovered, basting occasionally with the liquid in the pan, until they begin to soften and color slightly. Depending on the pears ripeness, baking time can range from 20 minutes to 1 hour. Remove the pears with a slotted spoon and set aside.
Transfer the pan to a burner and boil the mixture left behind over medium-high heat until it reaches a rich, golden-brown color and smells like caramel, 2 to 5 min. Slowly whisk the cream into the caramel until smooth. Add the vanilla, salt, and Scotch, if using. Serve the sauce over the warm pears.
*************************** Mini Butterscotch Puddings Active Time: 20 Minutes Total Time: 1 Hour Yield: Serves 2 or 4
INGREDIENTS
For Pudding: 1 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter 1 tablespoon packed brown sugar 1 small egg 1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon self-rising flour, sifted 1/4 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 tablespoon instant coffee powder, dissolved in 1 teaspoon boiling water
For Butterscotch Sauce: 1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter 1/8 cup light corn syrup 1 tablespoon water 1 tablespoon packed brown sugar Whipped cream, for serving DIRECTIONS
FOR PUDDINGS: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Butter and lightly flour two 1-cup custard cups or four 3-ounce pudding molds.
Using electric mixer with paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg; beat until well blended. Stir in flour and baking powder. Stir in dissolved coffee.
Spoon batter into prepared molds. Tent each mold loosely with foil, leaving peak at top. Place molds in baking dish. Add enough water to come one-third of the way up sides of molds. Bake two 1-cup molds 40 minutes, and smaller puddings 20 minutes.
FOR SAUCE: Stir all ingredients in heavy medium saucepan over medium heat. Bring to boil; boil 4 minutes. The sauce should be used immediately. Serve puddings warm with whipped cream and sauce.
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Old-fashioned Butterscotch Pie Active Time: 20 Minutes Total Time: 5 Hours 35 Minutes Yield: Makes 8 servings
If you like the deep, rich taste of brown sugar, use dark brown sugar in this recipe; otherwise, prepare it with light brown sugar for a lighter color and flavor.
INGREDIENTS Fully Baked Pastry Shell For Filling: 1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar 1/4 cup all-purpose flour 1/8 teaspoon salt 3 beaten egg yolks 1 1/2 cups milk 2 tablespoons margarine or butter 1 teaspoon vanilla For Meringue: 3 egg whites 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar 6 tablespoons sugar Other necessary recipes: Basic Pie Pastry DIRECTIONS
FOR FILLING: Prepare and fully bake pastry shell as directed; set aside to cool. In a heavy, medium saucepan stir together the brown sugar, flour, and salt. Add egg yolks and milk. Cook while stirring with a wire whisk till thickened and bubbly. (Mixture may appear curdled. Stir briskly while cooking and mixture will become smooth.) Cook and stir 2 minutes more. Remove from heat. Stir in margarine or butter and vanilla. Pour hot filling into baked pastry shell.
FOR MERINGUE: In a mixing bowl beat egg whites and cream of tartar with an electric mixer on medium speed about 1 minute, or till soft peaks form (tips curl). Gradually add sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time, beating on high speed about 4 minutes more, or till mixture forms stiff, glossy peaks (tips stand straight) and sugar completely dissolves. Immediately spread meringue over hot filling, spreading to edge of pastry to seal and prevent shrinkage.
Bake pie in a preheated 350 degrees oven for 15 minutes. Cool on a rack for 1 hour. Chill 3-6 hours before serving. Store in the refrigerator.
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Butterscotch Sticky Buns Active Time: 30 Minutes Total Time: 2 Hours Yield: Makes 12 buns
"Over-the-top, sticky, gooey goodness—or, as I like to call it, 'love.'" That's how pastry chef Catherine Schimenti describes the thrilling moment she first dipped a warm sticky bun into sweet-salty butterscotch sauce. Schimenti flavors the sauce with a splash of Scotch. "I love adding glamour to old-school desserts," she says.
INGREDIENTS 3/4 cup whole milk 1 tablespoon plus 1/2 teaspoon active dry yeast 1/2 cup granulated sugar 1 stick unsalted butter 6 tablespoons softened, 2 tablespoons melted 2 large eggs 4 cups all-purpose flour plus more for dusting 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1 cup light brown sugar 2 teaspoons cinnamon 1 cup pecan halves 1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar 6 tablespoons unsalted butter 3 tablespoons Scotch whiskey 2 1/2 tablespoons sweetened condensed milk 2 tablespoons water 2 tablespoons crème fraîche 1 1/2 teaspoons corn syrup 1/4 teaspoon salt 0.125 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 0.125 teaspoon baking powder DIRECTIONS In a glass measuring cup, heat the milk in the microwave until warm, 1 minute. In the bowl of a standing electric mixer fitted with the paddle, combine the warm milk and the yeast. Add the granulated sugar and the 6 tablespoons of softened butter and mix at medium speed until the butter is broken up, 1 minute. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Add the flour and salt and mix at low speed until incorporated, about 2 minutes. Scrape down the side of the bowl. Increase the speed to medium and mix the dough for 2 minutes longer. Scrape the dough into a lightly oiled bowl, cover with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 30 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 325°. Spray a standard 12-cup muffin tin with nonstick cooking spray.
On a lightly floured work surface, roll the dough out to a 9-by-24-inch rectangle. In a small bowl, mix the light brown sugar with the cinnamon. Brush the 2 tablespoons of melted butter over the dough and sprinkle with the cinnamon sugar. Beginning at a long edge, roll up the dough as tightly as possible and pinch the seam. Cut the log into twelve 2-inch pieces and set them in the muffin cups cut side up. Cover and let stand in a warm place for 30 minutes.
Set the muffin pan on a baking sheet and bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until the buns are golden brown. Spread the pecans in a pie plate and toast for 10 minutes, until fragrant. Let cool, then coarsely chop the nuts.
In a small saucepan, bring the brown sugar, butter, Scotch, condensed milk, water, crème fraîche and corn syrup to a boil. Simmer over moderate heat until thickened slightly, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the salt, vanilla and baking powder.
Unmold the buns. Pour the glaze over the hot buns and sprinkle with the pecans. Let stand until the buns have soaked up some of the glaze and are cool enough to eat, about 20 minutes. Serve warm.
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Butterscotch Crispies
Yield: 48 cookies
These hearty cookies are loaded with oats, shredded coconut and chopped pecans.
INGREDIENTS 1/2 cup shortening 1 cup brown sugar 1 egg 1 tsp. vanilla 1 cup sifted flour 1/2 tsp. soda 1/2 tsp. salt 1 cup quick cook oats 1/2 cup chopped pecans 1 cup shreaded coconut
DIRECTIONS Cream shortening; beat in sugar gradually.
Add egg and vanilla, beat until light and fluffy.
Sift together flour, soda and salt and stir into creamed mixture with oats, pecans and coconut.
Drop from teaspoon on greased cookie sheet.
Flatten each cookie to 1/8 inch thickness with the bottom of a glass dipped in flour. Bake in 350 degree oven for 12 to 15 minutes. Remove from pan immediately.
Makes about 4 dozen.
*************************** I just love a story with a Happy Ending! 50th Anniversary...... A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
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He's My Brother
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
*************************** Thoughts One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert Einstein Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying Woody Allen I’m not afraid of dying - I just don’t want to be there when it happens! Woody Allen Imagination is more important than knowledge. Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton. Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. Albert Einstein We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them Albert Einstein Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything you learned in school Albert Einstein Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein
*************************** One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did). Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... It burns calories
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Stay off your bike...
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
*************************** "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand." — Milton Friedman
"Humility is not thinking less of oneself but thinking of oneself less." - C.S. Lewis
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." - Benjamin Franklin
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs. Thomas Jefferson
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RECTUM STRETCHER While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work." . Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
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A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results, they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, he knows his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, 'so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that S.O.B. before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friendship
"A man who has friends must himself be friendly."1
The North American Indians had no written language before they met the white man. Their language, however, was far from primitive. Many of the Indians had as many words in their vocabulary as their English and French exploiters. Some of their words were much more picturesque, too. For example, "friend" to the Indians was "one-who-carries-my-sorrows-on-his-back."
Every one of us needs at least one trusted Indian-type friend with whom we can share our deepest sorrows and disappointments. We all need a helping hand and a listening ear when we're going through difficult times; a shoulder to cry on when we are hurting, loving arms to hug us when we are lonely, and a good friend to laugh with us when we are happy.
Choose friends who are encouragers. Avoid as far as possible friends who are negative—and those "who are cursed with the affliction to give advice" when it is neither asked for nor wanted. They're not your friends. They will drain you. Being loving doesn't mean that we let people walk over us. Being "as Jesus" to people often requires tough love which, when necessary, is the most loving thing to do.
And most important of all … be an Indian-type friend!
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be an Indian-type friend to others and at the same time not allow others to walk over me. Give me the wisdom to know when to exercise tough love and the courage to do this when called for—but always in the Spirit and love of Jesus. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
Proverbs 18:24 New King James Version (NKJV) 24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Footnotes: Proverbs 18:24 Following Greek manuscripts, Syriac, Targum, and Vulgate; Masoretic Text reads may come to ruin.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
sop • SAHP • noun : a conciliatory or propitiatory bribe, gift, or gesture
Examples: The contractor offered higher priced bathroom fixtures at no extra cost as a sop to the homeowner, who was threatening to cancel the contract.
"Dinner or hearty lunch brings great opportunity, though it is crucial to bypass the spicy double-sauteed General Tso's beef and broccoli options that sit on so many tables here as a sop to commerce." -- From an article by Sam Sifton in The New York Times, August 31, 2011
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A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
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Jumbo Pumpkin Pecan Muffins
Perk up an autumn morning with one of these hearty muffins. You’ll really enjoy the pumpkin-spice flavor and crumbly nut topping…and so will everyone else! —Mrs. Janice Christofferson, Eagle River, Wisconsin
6 Servings Prep: 25 min. Bake: 25 min.
Ingredients 2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup packed brown sugar 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 eggs 1 cup canned pumpkin 1/2 cup buttermilk 1/4 cup canola oil 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 cup chopped pecans
TOPPING: 1/3 cup packed brown sugar 1/3 cup finely chopped pecans 1/4 cup all-purpose flour 1/4 cup cold butter, cubed
Directions In a large bowl, combine the first seven ingredients. In another bowl, combine the eggs, pumpkin, buttermilk, oil and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in pecans. Fill six greased or paper-lined jumbo muffin cups three-fourths full. In a small bowl, combine the brown sugar, pecans and flour; cut in butter until crumbly. Sprinkle over batter. Bake at 375° for 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack. Serve warm. Yield: 6 muffins.
Nutrition Facts: 1 muffin equals 666 calories, 31 g fat (7 g saturated fat), 91 mg cholesterol, 583 mg sodium, 88 g carbohydrate, 5 g fiber, 11 g protein.
*************************** Fresh Pumpkin Soup
This appealing soup harvests the fall flavors of just-picked pumpkins and tart apples...and is sure to warm you up on a crisp autumn day. Jane Shapton of Portland, Oregon tops the creamy puree with a sprinkling of toasted pumpkin seeds
9 Servings Prep: 50 min. Cook: 8 hours
Ingredients 8 cups chopped fresh pumpkin (about 3 pounds) 4 cups chicken broth 3 small tart apples, peeled and chopped 1 medium onion, chopped 2 tablespoons lemon juice 2 teaspoons minced fresh gingerroot 2 garlic cloves, minced 1/2 teaspoon salt
TOASTED PUMPKIN SEEDS: 1/2 cup fresh pumpkin seeds 1 teaspoon canola oil 1/8 teaspoon salt
Directions In a 5-qt. slow cooker, combine the first eight ingredients. Cover and cook on low for 8-10 hours or until pumpkin and apples are tender. Meanwhile, toss pumpkin seeds with oil and salt. Spread onto an ungreased 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. baking pan. Bake at 250° for 45-50 minutes or until golden brown. Set aside. Cool soup slightly; process in batches in a blender. Transfer to a large saucepan; heat through. Garnish with toasted pumpkin seeds. Yield: 9 servings (about 2 quarts).
Nutritional Analysis: One serving (1 cup) equals 102 calories, 2 g fat (trace saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 567 mg sodium, 22 g carbohydrate, 3 g fiber, 3 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 1 starch, 1/2 fruit.
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Pumpkin Lasagna
“I especially like this comforting fall dish because it’s vegetarian. Even friends who aren’t big fans of pumpkin are surprised by this delectable lasagna! Canned pumpkin and no-cook noodles make it a cinch to prepare.†Tamara Huron - Colorado Springs, Colorado
6 Servings Prep: 25 min. Bake: 55 min. + standing
Ingredients 1/2 pound sliced fresh mushrooms 1 small onion, chopped 1/2 teaspoon salt, divided 2 teaspoons olive oil 1 can (15 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin 1/2 cup half-and-half cream 1 teaspoon dried sage leaves Dash pepper 9 no-cook lasagna noodles 1 cup reduced-fat ricotta cheese 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese 3/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
Directions In a small skillet, saute the mushrooms, onion and 1/4 teaspoon salt in oil until tender; set aside. In a small bowl, combine the pumpkin, cream, sage, pepper and remaining salt. Spread 1/2 cup pumpkin sauce in an 11-in. x 7-in. baking dish coated with cooking spray. Top with three noodles (noodles will overlap slightly). Spread 1/2 cup pumpkin sauce to edges of noodles. Top with half of mushroom mixture, 1/2 cup ricotta, 1/2 cup mozzarella and 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese. Repeat layers. Top with remaining noodles and sauce. Cover and bake at 375° for 45 minutes. Uncover; sprinkle with remaining Parmesan cheese. Bake 10-15 minutes longer or until cheese is melted. Let stand for 10 minutes before cutting. Yield: 6 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 1 piece equals 310 calories, 12 g fat (6 g saturated fat), 36 mg cholesterol, 497 mg sodium, 32 g carbohydrate, 5 g fiber, 17 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 2 starch, 2 fat, 1 lean meat.
*************************** Pumpkin Swirl Bread
This combination of pumpkin, nuts and dates makes a flavorful bread with a beautiful golden look. The surprise inside— a rich creamy swirl— is almost like a luscious layer of cheesecake in each slice.
48 Servings Prep: 15 min. Bake: 65 min. + cooling
Ingredients
FILLING: 2 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened 1/4 cup sugar 1 egg 1 tablespoon milk
BREAD: 3 cups sugar 1 can (15 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin 1 cup canola oil 1 cup water 4 eggs 4 cups all-purpose flour 4 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice 2 teaspoons baking soda 1-1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves 1 cup chopped walnuts 1 cup raisins 1/2 cup chopped dates
Directions In a small bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar, egg and milk; set aside. In a large bowl, beat the sugar, pumpkin, oil, water and eggs. Combine dry ingredients; gradually add to pumpkin mixture and mix well. Stir in the nuts, raisins and dates. Pour half of the batter into three greased and floured 8-in. x 4-in. loaf pans. Spoon filling over batter. Cover filling completely with remaining batter. Bake at 350° for 65-70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely. Wrap in foil; refrigerate until serving. Yield: 3 loaves (16 slices each.).
Nutrition Facts: 1 serving (1 slice) equals 189 calories, 8 g fat (2 g saturated fat), 27 mg cholesterol, 132 mg sodium, 27 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 3 g protein.
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Pumpkin Bread Recipe
16 Servings Prep: 10 min. Bake: 65 min. + cooling
Ingredients 1-2/3 cups all-purpose flour 1-1/2 cups sugar 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 3/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves 2 eggs 1 cup canned pumpkin 1/2 cup canola oil 1/2 cup water 1/2 cup chopped walnuts 1/2 cup raisins, optional
Directions In a large small bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking soda cinnamon, salt, baking powder, nutmeg and cloves. In a small bowl, whisk the eggs, pumpkin, oil, and water. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in walnuts and raisins if desired. Pour into a greased 9-in. x 5-in. loaf pan. Bake at 350° for 65-70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack. Yield: 1 loaf (16 slices).
Nutrition Facts: 1 serving (1 slice) equals 219 calories, 10 g fat (1 g saturated fat), 27 mg cholesterol, 211 mg sodium, 31 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 3 g protein.
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Pumpkin Ice Cream
Folks who favor the flavor of pumpkin really need to try this spiced ice cream from our Test Kitchen. But be prepared to make more!
10 Servings Prep: 15 min. Process: 20 min./batch + freezing
Ingredients 2 cups heavy whipping cream 1-1/2 cups canned pumpkin 1 cup packed brown sugar 1 teaspoon ground ginger 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
Directions In a large bowl, combine all ingredients; stir until the sugar is dissolved. Fill cylinder of ice cream freezer two-thirds full; freeze according to manufacturer’s directions. Refrigerate remaining mixture until ready to freeze. Transfer to a freezer container; freeze for 2-4 hours before serving. Yield: about 1 quart.
Nutrition Facts: 1 serving (1/2 cup) equals 261 calories, 18 g fat (11 g saturated fat), 65 mg cholesterol, 87 mg sodium, 26 g carbohydrate, 2 g fiber, 2 g protein.
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Sausage and Pumpkin Pasta
"My family really enjoys this meal. Cubed leftover turkey may be substituted for sausage.†Just add to the skillet with the cooked pasta for a fast meal." Katie Wollgast — Florissant, Missouri
4 Servings Prep: 20 min. Cook: 15 min.
Ingredients 2 cups uncooked multigrain bow tie pasta 1/2 pound Italian turkey sausage links, casings removed 1/2 pound sliced fresh mushrooms 1 medium onion, chopped 4 garlic cloves, minced 1 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth 1 cup canned pumpkin 1/2 cup white wine or additional reduced-sodium chicken broth 1/2 teaspoon rubbed sage 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder 1/4 teaspoon pepper 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1 tablespoon dried parsley flakes
Directions Cook pasta according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray, cook the sausage, mushrooms and onion over medium heat until meat is no longer pink. Add garlic; cook 1 minute longer. Stir in the broth, pumpkin, wine, sage, salt, garlic powder and pepper. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 5-6 minutes or until slightly thickened. Drain pasta; add to the skillet and heat through. Just before serving, sprinkle with cheese and parsley. Yield: 4 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 1-3/4 cups equals 348 calories, 9 g fat (2 g saturated fat), 38 mg cholesterol, 733 mg sodium, 42 g carbohydrate, 7 g fiber, 23 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 2-1/2 starch, 2 lean meat, 1 vegetable, 1/2 fat.
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Computer Trouble
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away? They disappeared. Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing. Nothing? It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell? Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? What's a sea-prompt? Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator? What's a monitor? It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? I don't know. Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Yes, I think so. Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Yes, it is. When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? No. Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay, here it is. Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. I can't reach. Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? No. Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark. Dark? Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Well, turn on the office light then. I can't. No? Why not? Because there's a power outage. A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Really? Is it that bad? Yes, I'm afraid it is. Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
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Old-Timer Woes
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
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Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
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Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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Fixing the Headstone
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
*************************** The Costume Party
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your behind and go
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Beethoven Symphonies
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Matthew 7:1-5
(1) "Judge not, that you be not judged. (2) For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. (3) And why do you look at the speck in your brother"s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? (4) Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me remove the speck from your eye"; and look, a plank is in your own eye? (5) Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother"s eye.
God will often see to it that we are treated the same way we treat others.
Jacob was a talented young man with great ability, but he had a serious fault: As a young man, he would lie, connive, and scheme to get his own way, without a thought for other people's feelings. He deceived his father Isaac into blessing him, instead of his brother Esau, with the birthright, an incident that split the family and caused much suffering and ill will, as Genesis 27 records.
God, of course, fully intended Jacob to have the birthright and could have worked it out in a way in which nobody got hurt. But this was not the first time that Jacob had used shrewdness to get his own way. Earlier, when Esau was about to collapse from lack of nourishment, Jacob gave Esau bread, a stew of lentils, and a drink in exchange for his birthright. Jacob had a secret sin and needed to be taught a lesson. He could not look at himself and see that he had this sin. He probably looked at himself as many today in business look at themselves; he probably thought he was being clever and wise.
During the next few years, Jacob reaped what he had sowed. His employer and future father-in-law, Laban, tricked him out of his wages and the wife for whom he had labored seven years. In addition, toward the end of his life, Jacob was also deceived by the use of a dead goat, just as he had deceived his father Isaac. Jacob's sons dipped Joseph's coat of many colors in the blood of a goat to convince their father that his favorite son, whom they had sold, was dead. Jacob spent many years in grief, deceived as he had deceived others.
Isaiah 26:4 “Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.â€
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
pathos • PAY-thahss • noun 1 : an element in experience or in artistic representation evoking pity or compassion 2 : an emotion of sympathetic pity
Examples: Our knowledge of the hero's tragic end adds an element of pathos to the story of his early success.
"My books are a mixture of humor and pathos, and I hope they provide some comfort." -- Author Elizabeth Berg quoted in an article by Elizabeth Taylor in the Chicago Tribune, September 3, 2011
*************************** Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Ephesians 6:13 ********************************** CHURCH BULLETINS
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance. *************************************** “I LOVE YOU!†Pastor Cecil A. Thompson, November 10, 2010 Ephesians 5:25-27, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.†As a Christian counselor I have attended many conferences and training sessions. At one of these meetings I heard a speaker tell of a marital counseling session with a couple who were having problems. The wife sobbed, “My husband never tells me he loves me anymore.†The counselor asked the man if he had any response to that. The husband set his jaw and replied, “I told that woman I loved her when I married her 34 years ago. I have not retracted that statement it is still in effect!†Beep! That was the wrong answer, husband. What was said 34 years ago or even 34 days ago does not mean that you should not repeat them over and over again. It grieves me that a husband who is commanded to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves His church, feels it is not necessary to tell her he loves her as well as demonstrating his love for her. We need to speak words of love and blessing to those around us. Not only that, we need to show it by our actions. We can do that by developing a habit of blessing and love toward the Lord. PRAISE YOU DEAR LORD! I LOVE YOU! I COVENANT TO SHOW MY LOVE FOR YOU BY MY ACTIONS TOWARD YOU AND OTHERS! ***************************** HIGHWAY ROBBERY "To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it." --Thomas Jefferson *************************************** I’VE LEARNED......That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
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Old-Fashioned Honey-Whole Wheat Bread
Bring a touch of nostalgia into your kitchen with this updated spin on an old-fashioned favorite.
PREP TIME 35 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 32
3 cups stone-ground whole wheat flour or graham flour 1/3 cup honey 1/4 cup shortening 1 tablespoon salt 2 packages regular or quick active dry yeast 2 1/4 cups very warm water (120°F to 130°F) 3 to 4 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour or Better for Bread™ flour Butter or margarine, melted, if desired
1 Mix whole wheat flour, honey, shortening, salt and yeast in large bowl. Add warm water. Beat with electric mixer on low speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Beat on medium speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Stir in enough all-purpose flour, 1 cup at a time, to make dough easy to handle. 2 Turn dough onto lightly floured surface. Knead about 10 minutes or until smooth and elastic. Place in greased bowl and turn greased side up. Cover and let rise in warm place 40 to 60 minutes or until double. Dough is ready if indentation remains when touched. 3 Grease bottoms and sides of 2 loaf pans, 9x5x3 or 8 1/2x4 1/2x2 1/2 inches. 4 Punch down dough and divide in half. Flatten each half with hands or rolling pin into rectangle, 18x9 inches, on lightly floured surface. Roll dough up tightly, beginning at 9-inch side, to form a loaf. Press with thumbs to seal after each turn. Pinch edge of dough into roll to seal. Press each end with side of hand to seal. Fold ends under loaf. Place seam side down in pan. Brush loaves lightly with butter. Cover and let rise in warm place 35 to 50 minutes or until double. 5 Move oven rack to low position so that tops of pans will be in center of oven. Heat oven to 375°F. 6 Bake 40 to 45 minutes or until loaves are deep golden brown and sound hollow when tapped. Remove from pans to wire rack. Brush loaves with butter; cool.
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Cheesy Salsa-Mini Meat Loaves
total time 38 min prep 10 min servings 6 servings
what you need
1 lb. ground beef 1/2 cup finely chopped onions 1 egg 12 PREMIUM Saltine Crackers, finely crushed (about 1/2 cup) 1-1/2 cups KRAFT Mexican Style Finely Shredded Four Cheese, divided 1 cup TACO BELL® HOME ORIGINALS® Thick 'N Chunky Salsa, divided
make it HEAT oven to 400ºF.
MIX first 4 ingredients with 1 cup cheese and 1/2 cup salsa.
PRESS into 12 muffin cups sprayed with cooking spray. Use back of spoon to make indentation in center of each. Place muffin pan on foil-covered baking sheet.
BAKE 20 to 25 min. or until meat loaves are done (160°F). Top with remaining salsa and cheese; bake 3 min. or until cheese is melted.
TACO BELL® and HOME ORIGINALS® are trademarks owned and licensed by Taco Bell Corp. kraft kitchens tipsSPECIAL EXTRAServe with additional salsa.
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Luscious Lemon Squares
Everyone loves homemade lemon squares! These refreshing sweet and lightly tart lemon squares are Betty's Best.
PREP TIME 10 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr SERVINGS 25
1 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened 1/4 cup powdered sugar 1 cup granulated sugar 2 teaspoons grated lemon peel, if desired 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 eggs Powdered sugar
1 Heat oven to 350ºF. 2 Mix flour, butter and powdered sugar. Press in ungreased square pan, 8x8x2 or 9x9x2 inches, building up 1/2-inch edges. 3 Bake crust 20 minutes. 4 Beat granulated sugar, lemon peel, lemon juice, baking powder, salt and eggs with electric mixer on high speed about 3 minutes or until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. 5 Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until no indentation remains when touched lightly in center. Cool; dust with powdered sugar. Cut into about 1 1/2-inch squares.
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Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread
Enjoy this wonderful homemade pumpkin and chocolate bread made with Gold Medal® all-purpose flour.
PREP TIME 25 min TOTAL TIME 4 hr 10 min SERVINGS 16
Bread 1/2 cup butter, softened 1 cup granulated sugar 2 eggs 1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice 1/2 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
Glaze 1/2 cup powdered sugar 2 to 3 teaspoons milk or whipping cream
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottom only of 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or cooking spray. 2 In large bowl, mix butter, granulated sugar, eggs and pumpkin with wire whisk. Stir in flour, baking soda, cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice. Stir in chocolate chips and walnuts. Spread in pan. 3 Bake 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours. 4 In small bowl, stir powdered sugar and milk until smooth and thin enough to drizzle. Drizzle over loaf. Let glaze set up before slicing, about 30 minutes.
Expert Tips For a different flavor, try sweetened dried cranberries instead of chocolate chips.
Instead of the glaze, sprinkle some brown sugar and additional chopped walnuts on top of the bread before baking.
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Blueberry-Orange Bread
PREP TIME 20 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 35 min SERVINGS 16
1 1/2 cups Fiber One® original bran cereal 3/4 cup water 1 tablespoon grated orange peel 1/2 cup orange juice 2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 3/4 cup sugar 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 1 egg 1 cup fresh or frozen (do not thaw) blueberries Vanilla Glaze 1/2 cup powdered sugar 1/4 teaspoon vanilla 2 to 3 teaspoons milk
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottom only of 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or baking spray with flour. Place cereal in resealable food-storage plastic bag; seal bag and crush with rolling pin or meat mallet (or crush in food processor). 2 In large bowl, stir together cereal, water, orange peel and orange juice; let stand 10 minutes. 3 Stir in remaining ingredients except blueberries. Gently stir in blueberries. Spread batter in pan. 4 Bake 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes. Loosen sides of loaf; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours. 5 In small bowl, mix all vanilla glaze ingredients until smooth and thin enough to drizzle. Drizzle over top of bread.
Expert Tips “As a person with a very strong family history of heart disease, I thought tasty sweet breads were off limits. This yummy low-fat bread changed my mind.†Nanci D.
Besides eating cereal for breakfast, adding cereal to recipes is a good way to get the extra nutrition that the fortification, fiber and whole grain cereals provide.
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Buttermilk-Lime Tea Bread
Filled with refreshing citrus flavor, this quick bread made with Gold Medal® all-purpose flour is an all time favorite!
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr 15 min SERVINGS 16
1 3/4 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 3/4 cup sugar 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 1 egg 1 cup buttermilk 1/4 cup vegetable oil 2 teaspoons grated lime peel 3 tablespoons lime juice 1 tablespoon sugar
1 Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for dark or nonstick pan). Grease bottom and sides of 8x4- or 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or spray with cooking spray; lightly flour. 2 In medium bowl, mix flour, 3/4 cup sugar, the baking powder and salt; set aside. 3 In another medium bowl, stir egg, buttermilk, oil, lime peel and 1 tablespoon of the lime juice with spoon until well blended. Add buttermilk mixture to flour mixture and stir just until moistened (some lumps will remain). Spread in pan. 4 Bake 50 to 60 minutes or until golden brown and toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Meanwhile, in small bowl, mix remaining 2 tablespoons lime juice and 1 tablespoon sugar. 5 Brush lime juice mixture over top of warm bread. Cool in pan on cooling rack 10 minutes; remove bread from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 1 hour. When completely cool, wrap in plastic wrap. Bread is best served the next day.
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Cinnamon Swirl Raisin Bread
Create two classic loaves of delicious homemade bread. Sugar, cinnamon and raisins are rolled in the dough to create the signature swirl.
PREP TIME 35 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 16
6 to 6 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1/2 cup sugar 1 tablespoon salt 2 packages regular active or fast-acting yeast 2 cups water 1/4 cup vegetable oil 2 eggs 1 cup raisins 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1/2 cup sugar 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon Vegetable oil 1 tablespoon butter or margarine, softened
1 In large bowl, mix 3 cups of the flour, 1/2 cup sugar, the salt and yeast. In 1-quart saucepan, heat water and oil until very warm (120°F to 130°F); stir into flour mixture. Stir in eggs; beat until smooth. Stir in enough remaining flour to make dough easy to handle. 2 Place dough on lightly floured surface; gently roll in flour to coat. Knead 8 to 10 minutes or until smooth and springy. Grease large bowl with shortening or cooking spray. Place dough in bowl, turning dough to grease all sides. (If desired, at this point, dough can be refrigerated up to 4 days.) Cover; let rise in warm place about 1 hour or until dough has doubled in size. (If using fast-acting yeast, do not let rise 1 hour; cover and let rest on floured surface 10 minutes.) 3 Grease 2 (9x5-inch) loaf pans with shortening or cooking spray. Gently push fist into dough to deflate; divide in half. Knead 1/2 cup of the raisins into each half. Roll each half into 18x9-inch rectangle. Brush 1 tablespoon oil over rectangles. 4 In small bowl, mix 1/2 cup sugar and the cinnamon; sprinkle each rectangle with half of sugar-cinnamon mixture. Beginning at 9-inch side, roll up each rectangle. Pinch edge of dough into roll to seal. Press each end with side of hand to seal; fold ends under loaf. Place loaves, seam sides down, in pans. Brush oil over loaves. Cover; let rise in warm place about 1 hour or until dough has doubled in size. 5 Move oven rack to lowest position; heat oven to 375°F. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until loaves are deep golden brown and sound hollow when tapped. Remove from pans to cooling rack. Brush butter over loaves; cool.
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Pumpkin-Cranberry Pecan Bread with Tipsy Whipped Cream
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 12
Bread 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted 1/2 cup granulated sugar 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar 2 eggs 1 1/4 cups canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 3/4 cup milk 2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 3/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1 cup chopped pecans, toasted 1/2 cup sweetened dried cranberries
Topping (optional) 1 cup heavy whipping cream 1 tablespoon Grand Marnier or orange juice 1 tablespoon powdered sugar
1 Heat oven to 325°F. Spray 9x5-inch loaf pan with baking spray with flour. 2 In large bowl, beat butter, granulated sugar and brown sugar with electric mixer on low speed until smooth. Mix in eggs, pumpkin and milk. Stir in flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and spices until blended. Stir in pecans and cranberries. Spoon batter into pan. 3 Bake 1 hour 5 minutes to 1 hour 15 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean (crack on top surface should look dry). Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 1 hour 30 minutes. 4 In chilled large deep bowl, beat topping ingredients with electric mixer on low speed until mixture begins to thicken. Gradually increase speed to high and beat until stiff peaks form. Slice bread; serve with a dollop of topping.
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Banana Bread
Rich buttermilk, crunchy nuts and flavorful, ripe bananas make this banana bread tops.
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 2 hr 30 min SERVINGS 24
1 1/4 cups sugar 1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened 2 eggs 1 1/2 cups mashed very ripe bananas (3 to 4 medium) 1/2 cup buttermilk 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup chopped nuts, if desired
1 Move oven rack to low position so that tops of pans will be in center of oven. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottoms only of 2 loaf pans, 8 1/2x4 1/2x2 1/2 inches, or 1 loaf pan, 9x5x3 inches. 2 Mix sugar and butter in large bowl. Stir in eggs until well blended. Add bananas, buttermilk and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Stir in flour, baking soda and salt just until moistened. Stir in nuts. Pour into pans. 3 Bake 8-inch loaves about 1 hour, 9-inch loaf about 1 1/4 hours, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes. Loosen sides of loaves from pans; remove from pans and place top side up on wire rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours, before slicing. Wrap tightly and store at room temperature up to 4 days, or refrigerate up to 10 days.
Expert Tips Mini Banana Breads make great gifts! To make, grease bottoms only of 10 miniature loaf pans, 4 1/2x2 3/4x1 1/4 inches. Divide batter among pans (about 1/2 cup each). Bake 30 to 35 minutes. Stir 1/2 cup chocolate, peanut butter or butterscotch chips into the batter for mouthwatering flavor combinations. Rise to the occasion! If using self-rising flour, there is no need to add baking soda and salt. No buttermilk on hand? In an emergency, you can mix 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice or white vinegar and enough milk to make 1/2 cup. Or substitute 1/2 cup plain yogurt.
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Pumpkin Streusel Cheesecake Bars
Chocolate and caramel drizzles add a new flavor punch to creamy pumpkin-oat bars.
PREP TIME 45 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr SERVINGS 24
Cookie Base 1 pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty Crocker® oatmeal cookie mix 1/2 cup crushed gingersnap cookies 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans 1/2 cup cold butter or margarine
Filling 2 packages (8 oz each) cream cheese, softened 1 cup sugar 1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 2 tablespoons Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice 2 tablespoons whipping cream 2 eggs
Toppings 1/3 cup chocolate topping 1/3 cup caramel topping
1 Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, stir together cookie mix, crushed cookies and pecans. Cut in butter, using pastry blender or fork, until mixture is crumbly. Reserve 1 cup mixture for topping. Press remaining mixture in bottom of ungreased 13x9-inch pan. Bake 10 minutes. Cool 10 minutes. 2 Meanwhile, in large bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Add remaining filling ingredients; beat until well blended. Pour over warm cookie base. Sprinkle with reserved topping. 3 Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until center is set. Cool 30 minutes. Refrigerate about 2 hours or until chilled. 4 Before serving, drizzle with chocolate and caramel toppings. For bars, cut into 6 rows by 4 rows. Store covered in refrigerator.
Expert Tips A food processor can be used for even easier preparation. Place cookie base ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until crumbly. Reserve 1 cup for topping. Press remaining cookie base mixture in pan. Place filling ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until well blended. Continue recipe as directed. To drizzle the toppings easily, place each topping in a small food-storage plastic bag, snip off a small corner of each bag and squeeze to drizzle toppings over bars.
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Art Gallery A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn."
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Short Fall Jokes Q: What falls in autumn? A: Leaves! Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another? A: I'm falling for you. Q: Why did summer catch autumn? A: Because autumn is fall. Q: Why do the Boston Red Sox fans love autumn? A: Because watching the leaves fall reminds them of the (Yankees). Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin? A: With a pumpkin patch Q: What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch! Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: Sits on a leaf and waits till Autumn! Q: What will fall on the lawn first? Q: An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue? Q: What is a tree's least favorite month? A: Sep-timber!
This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.
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The blonde Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
******************************* A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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Autumn is a season for big decisions — like whether or not it’s too late to start spring cleaning. This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We’ll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in. The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they’re back! I got tired of looking at all those leaves in my yard, so I got up off the couch and went into action. I closed the curtains. The leaves are beginning to fall, and soon only two things will be hanging from the trees: the last leaf and the first football coach. I can hardly wait until all the leaves turn brown to match the grass. Ah yes, summer’s out and autumn’s in. From swimming pools to football pools…. This is an exciting autumn. Our athletes are breaking the records for the most Olympic medals, and our political candidates are breaking the records for the most campaign promises. Now, today’s lawn & garden tip. If you haven’t found the hedge trimmer yet, forget it. It’s almost time now to loose the leaf rake. I could tell there was a hint of autumn in the air when my son’s football smashed me in the face. It’s fall, that time when the colors change from green to red to gold — and that’s just the gunk in your swimming pool. Autumn is a great time of the year. Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up — with ugly patches of dead leaves.
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First Kiss
A wise guy reporter was talking to a group of old men seated around the cracker barrel in a country store. "Pop," he addressed one of the geezers, "Can you recall the name of the first girl you ever kissed?"
"Young man," the old duffer replied, "I can't even recall the last one."
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Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Matthew 7:1-5
(1) "Judge not, that you be not judged. (2) For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. (3) And why do you look at the speck in your brother"s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? (4) Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me remove the speck from your eye"; and look, a plank is in your own eye? (5) Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother"s eye.
God will often see to it that we are treated the same way we treat others.
Jacob was a talented young man with great ability, but he had a serious fault: As a young man, he would lie, connive, and scheme to get his own way, without a thought for other people's feelings. He deceived his father Isaac into blessing him, instead of his brother Esau, with the birthright, an incident that split the family and caused much suffering and ill will, as Genesis 27 records.
God, of course, fully intended Jacob to have the birthright and could have worked it out in a way in which nobody got hurt. But this was not the first time that Jacob had used shrewdness to get his own way. Earlier, when Esau was about to collapse from lack of nourishment, Jacob gave Esau bread, a stew of lentils, and a drink in exchange for his birthright. Jacob had a secret sin and needed to be taught a lesson. He could not look at himself and see that he had this sin. He probably looked at himself as many today in business look at themselves; he probably thought he was being clever and wise.
During the next few years, Jacob reaped what he had sowed. His employer and future father-in-law, Laban, tricked him out of his wages and the wife for whom he had labored seven years. In addition, toward the end of his life, Jacob was also deceived by the use of a dead goat, just as he had deceived his father Isaac. Jacob's sons dipped Joseph's coat of many colors in the blood of a goat to convince their father that his favorite son, whom they had sold, was dead. Jacob spent many years in grief, deceived as he had deceived others.
Isaiah 26:4 “Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.â€
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
pathos • PAY-thahss • noun 1 : an element in experience or in artistic representation evoking pity or compassion 2 : an emotion of sympathetic pity
Examples: Our knowledge of the hero's tragic end adds an element of pathos to the story of his early success.
"My books are a mixture of humor and pathos, and I hope they provide some comfort." -- Author Elizabeth Berg quoted in an article by Elizabeth Taylor in the Chicago Tribune, September 3, 2011
*************************** Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Ephesians 6:13 ********************************** CHURCH BULLETINS
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance. *************************************** “I LOVE YOU!†Pastor Cecil A. Thompson, November 10, 2010 Ephesians 5:25-27, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.†As a Christian counselor I have attended many conferences and training sessions. At one of these meetings I heard a speaker tell of a marital counseling session with a couple who were having problems. The wife sobbed, “My husband never tells me he loves me anymore.†The counselor asked the man if he had any response to that. The husband set his jaw and replied, “I told that woman I loved her when I married her 34 years ago. I have not retracted that statement it is still in effect!†Beep! That was the wrong answer, husband. What was said 34 years ago or even 34 days ago does not mean that you should not repeat them over and over again. It grieves me that a husband who is commanded to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves His church, feels it is not necessary to tell her he loves her as well as demonstrating his love for her. We need to speak words of love and blessing to those around us. Not only that, we need to show it by our actions. We can do that by developing a habit of blessing and love toward the Lord. PRAISE YOU DEAR LORD! I LOVE YOU! I COVENANT TO SHOW MY LOVE FOR YOU BY MY ACTIONS TOWARD YOU AND OTHERS! ***************************** HIGHWAY ROBBERY "To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it." --Thomas Jefferson *************************************** I’VE LEARNED......That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
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Old-Fashioned Honey-Whole Wheat Bread
Bring a touch of nostalgia into your kitchen with this updated spin on an old-fashioned favorite.
PREP TIME 35 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 32
3 cups stone-ground whole wheat flour or graham flour 1/3 cup honey 1/4 cup shortening 1 tablespoon salt 2 packages regular or quick active dry yeast 2 1/4 cups very warm water (120°F to 130°F) 3 to 4 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour or Better for Bread™ flour Butter or margarine, melted, if desired
1 Mix whole wheat flour, honey, shortening, salt and yeast in large bowl. Add warm water. Beat with electric mixer on low speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Beat on medium speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Stir in enough all-purpose flour, 1 cup at a time, to make dough easy to handle. 2 Turn dough onto lightly floured surface. Knead about 10 minutes or until smooth and elastic. Place in greased bowl and turn greased side up. Cover and let rise in warm place 40 to 60 minutes or until double. Dough is ready if indentation remains when touched. 3 Grease bottoms and sides of 2 loaf pans, 9x5x3 or 8 1/2x4 1/2x2 1/2 inches. 4 Punch down dough and divide in half. Flatten each half with hands or rolling pin into rectangle, 18x9 inches, on lightly floured surface. Roll dough up tightly, beginning at 9-inch side, to form a loaf. Press with thumbs to seal after each turn. Pinch edge of dough into roll to seal. Press each end with side of hand to seal. Fold ends under loaf. Place seam side down in pan. Brush loaves lightly with butter. Cover and let rise in warm place 35 to 50 minutes or until double. 5 Move oven rack to low position so that tops of pans will be in center of oven. Heat oven to 375°F. 6 Bake 40 to 45 minutes or until loaves are deep golden brown and sound hollow when tapped. Remove from pans to wire rack. Brush loaves with butter; cool.
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Cheesy Salsa-Mini Meat Loaves
total time 38 min prep 10 min servings 6 servings
what you need
1 lb. ground beef 1/2 cup finely chopped onions 1 egg 12 PREMIUM Saltine Crackers, finely crushed (about 1/2 cup) 1-1/2 cups KRAFT Mexican Style Finely Shredded Four Cheese, divided 1 cup TACO BELL® HOME ORIGINALS® Thick 'N Chunky Salsa, divided
make it HEAT oven to 400ºF.
MIX first 4 ingredients with 1 cup cheese and 1/2 cup salsa.
PRESS into 12 muffin cups sprayed with cooking spray. Use back of spoon to make indentation in center of each. Place muffin pan on foil-covered baking sheet.
BAKE 20 to 25 min. or until meat loaves are done (160°F). Top with remaining salsa and cheese; bake 3 min. or until cheese is melted.
TACO BELL® and HOME ORIGINALS® are trademarks owned and licensed by Taco Bell Corp. kraft kitchens tipsSPECIAL EXTRAServe with additional salsa.
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Luscious Lemon Squares
Everyone loves homemade lemon squares! These refreshing sweet and lightly tart lemon squares are Betty's Best.
PREP TIME 10 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr SERVINGS 25
1 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened 1/4 cup powdered sugar 1 cup granulated sugar 2 teaspoons grated lemon peel, if desired 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 eggs Powdered sugar
1 Heat oven to 350ºF. 2 Mix flour, butter and powdered sugar. Press in ungreased square pan, 8x8x2 or 9x9x2 inches, building up 1/2-inch edges. 3 Bake crust 20 minutes. 4 Beat granulated sugar, lemon peel, lemon juice, baking powder, salt and eggs with electric mixer on high speed about 3 minutes or until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. 5 Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until no indentation remains when touched lightly in center. Cool; dust with powdered sugar. Cut into about 1 1/2-inch squares.
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Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread
Enjoy this wonderful homemade pumpkin and chocolate bread made with Gold Medal® all-purpose flour.
PREP TIME 25 min TOTAL TIME 4 hr 10 min SERVINGS 16
Bread 1/2 cup butter, softened 1 cup granulated sugar 2 eggs 1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice 1/2 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
Glaze 1/2 cup powdered sugar 2 to 3 teaspoons milk or whipping cream
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottom only of 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or cooking spray. 2 In large bowl, mix butter, granulated sugar, eggs and pumpkin with wire whisk. Stir in flour, baking soda, cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice. Stir in chocolate chips and walnuts. Spread in pan. 3 Bake 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours. 4 In small bowl, stir powdered sugar and milk until smooth and thin enough to drizzle. Drizzle over loaf. Let glaze set up before slicing, about 30 minutes.
Expert Tips For a different flavor, try sweetened dried cranberries instead of chocolate chips.
Instead of the glaze, sprinkle some brown sugar and additional chopped walnuts on top of the bread before baking.
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Blueberry-Orange Bread
PREP TIME 20 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 35 min SERVINGS 16
1 1/2 cups Fiber One® original bran cereal 3/4 cup water 1 tablespoon grated orange peel 1/2 cup orange juice 2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 3/4 cup sugar 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 1 egg 1 cup fresh or frozen (do not thaw) blueberries Vanilla Glaze 1/2 cup powdered sugar 1/4 teaspoon vanilla 2 to 3 teaspoons milk
1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottom only of 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or baking spray with flour. Place cereal in resealable food-storage plastic bag; seal bag and crush with rolling pin or meat mallet (or crush in food processor). 2 In large bowl, stir together cereal, water, orange peel and orange juice; let stand 10 minutes. 3 Stir in remaining ingredients except blueberries. Gently stir in blueberries. Spread batter in pan. 4 Bake 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes. Loosen sides of loaf; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours. 5 In small bowl, mix all vanilla glaze ingredients until smooth and thin enough to drizzle. Drizzle over top of bread.
Expert Tips “As a person with a very strong family history of heart disease, I thought tasty sweet breads were off limits. This yummy low-fat bread changed my mind.†Nanci D.
Besides eating cereal for breakfast, adding cereal to recipes is a good way to get the extra nutrition that the fortification, fiber and whole grain cereals provide.
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Buttermilk-Lime Tea Bread
Filled with refreshing citrus flavor, this quick bread made with Gold Medal® all-purpose flour is an all time favorite!
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 1 hr 15 min SERVINGS 16
1 3/4 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 3/4 cup sugar 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 1 egg 1 cup buttermilk 1/4 cup vegetable oil 2 teaspoons grated lime peel 3 tablespoons lime juice 1 tablespoon sugar
1 Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for dark or nonstick pan). Grease bottom and sides of 8x4- or 9x5-inch loaf pan with shortening or spray with cooking spray; lightly flour. 2 In medium bowl, mix flour, 3/4 cup sugar, the baking powder and salt; set aside. 3 In another medium bowl, stir egg, buttermilk, oil, lime peel and 1 tablespoon of the lime juice with spoon until well blended. Add buttermilk mixture to flour mixture and stir just until moistened (some lumps will remain). Spread in pan. 4 Bake 50 to 60 minutes or until golden brown and toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Meanwhile, in small bowl, mix remaining 2 tablespoons lime juice and 1 tablespoon sugar. 5 Brush lime juice mixture over top of warm bread. Cool in pan on cooling rack 10 minutes; remove bread from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 1 hour. When completely cool, wrap in plastic wrap. Bread is best served the next day.
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Cinnamon Swirl Raisin Bread
Create two classic loaves of delicious homemade bread. Sugar, cinnamon and raisins are rolled in the dough to create the signature swirl.
PREP TIME 35 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 16
6 to 6 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1/2 cup sugar 1 tablespoon salt 2 packages regular active or fast-acting yeast 2 cups water 1/4 cup vegetable oil 2 eggs 1 cup raisins 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1/2 cup sugar 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon Vegetable oil 1 tablespoon butter or margarine, softened
1 In large bowl, mix 3 cups of the flour, 1/2 cup sugar, the salt and yeast. In 1-quart saucepan, heat water and oil until very warm (120°F to 130°F); stir into flour mixture. Stir in eggs; beat until smooth. Stir in enough remaining flour to make dough easy to handle. 2 Place dough on lightly floured surface; gently roll in flour to coat. Knead 8 to 10 minutes or until smooth and springy. Grease large bowl with shortening or cooking spray. Place dough in bowl, turning dough to grease all sides. (If desired, at this point, dough can be refrigerated up to 4 days.) Cover; let rise in warm place about 1 hour or until dough has doubled in size. (If using fast-acting yeast, do not let rise 1 hour; cover and let rest on floured surface 10 minutes.) 3 Grease 2 (9x5-inch) loaf pans with shortening or cooking spray. Gently push fist into dough to deflate; divide in half. Knead 1/2 cup of the raisins into each half. Roll each half into 18x9-inch rectangle. Brush 1 tablespoon oil over rectangles. 4 In small bowl, mix 1/2 cup sugar and the cinnamon; sprinkle each rectangle with half of sugar-cinnamon mixture. Beginning at 9-inch side, roll up each rectangle. Pinch edge of dough into roll to seal. Press each end with side of hand to seal; fold ends under loaf. Place loaves, seam sides down, in pans. Brush oil over loaves. Cover; let rise in warm place about 1 hour or until dough has doubled in size. 5 Move oven rack to lowest position; heat oven to 375°F. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until loaves are deep golden brown and sound hollow when tapped. Remove from pans to cooling rack. Brush butter over loaves; cool.
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Pumpkin-Cranberry Pecan Bread with Tipsy Whipped Cream
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr 10 min SERVINGS 12
Bread 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted 1/2 cup granulated sugar 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar 2 eggs 1 1/4 cups canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 3/4 cup milk 2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 3/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1 cup chopped pecans, toasted 1/2 cup sweetened dried cranberries
Topping (optional) 1 cup heavy whipping cream 1 tablespoon Grand Marnier or orange juice 1 tablespoon powdered sugar
1 Heat oven to 325°F. Spray 9x5-inch loaf pan with baking spray with flour. 2 In large bowl, beat butter, granulated sugar and brown sugar with electric mixer on low speed until smooth. Mix in eggs, pumpkin and milk. Stir in flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and spices until blended. Stir in pecans and cranberries. Spoon batter into pan. 3 Bake 1 hour 5 minutes to 1 hour 15 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean (crack on top surface should look dry). Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 1 hour 30 minutes. 4 In chilled large deep bowl, beat topping ingredients with electric mixer on low speed until mixture begins to thicken. Gradually increase speed to high and beat until stiff peaks form. Slice bread; serve with a dollop of topping.
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Banana Bread
Rich buttermilk, crunchy nuts and flavorful, ripe bananas make this banana bread tops.
PREP TIME 15 min TOTAL TIME 2 hr 30 min SERVINGS 24
1 1/4 cups sugar 1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened 2 eggs 1 1/2 cups mashed very ripe bananas (3 to 4 medium) 1/2 cup buttermilk 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 1/2 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup chopped nuts, if desired
1 Move oven rack to low position so that tops of pans will be in center of oven. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease bottoms only of 2 loaf pans, 8 1/2x4 1/2x2 1/2 inches, or 1 loaf pan, 9x5x3 inches. 2 Mix sugar and butter in large bowl. Stir in eggs until well blended. Add bananas, buttermilk and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Stir in flour, baking soda and salt just until moistened. Stir in nuts. Pour into pans. 3 Bake 8-inch loaves about 1 hour, 9-inch loaf about 1 1/4 hours, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes. Loosen sides of loaves from pans; remove from pans and place top side up on wire rack. Cool completely, about 2 hours, before slicing. Wrap tightly and store at room temperature up to 4 days, or refrigerate up to 10 days.
Expert Tips Mini Banana Breads make great gifts! To make, grease bottoms only of 10 miniature loaf pans, 4 1/2x2 3/4x1 1/4 inches. Divide batter among pans (about 1/2 cup each). Bake 30 to 35 minutes. Stir 1/2 cup chocolate, peanut butter or butterscotch chips into the batter for mouthwatering flavor combinations. Rise to the occasion! If using self-rising flour, there is no need to add baking soda and salt. No buttermilk on hand? In an emergency, you can mix 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice or white vinegar and enough milk to make 1/2 cup. Or substitute 1/2 cup plain yogurt.
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Pumpkin Streusel Cheesecake Bars
Chocolate and caramel drizzles add a new flavor punch to creamy pumpkin-oat bars.
PREP TIME 45 min TOTAL TIME 3 hr SERVINGS 24
Cookie Base 1 pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty Crocker® oatmeal cookie mix 1/2 cup crushed gingersnap cookies 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans 1/2 cup cold butter or margarine
Filling 2 packages (8 oz each) cream cheese, softened 1 cup sugar 1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) 2 tablespoons Gold Medal® all-purpose flour 1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice 2 tablespoons whipping cream 2 eggs
Toppings 1/3 cup chocolate topping 1/3 cup caramel topping
1 Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, stir together cookie mix, crushed cookies and pecans. Cut in butter, using pastry blender or fork, until mixture is crumbly. Reserve 1 cup mixture for topping. Press remaining mixture in bottom of ungreased 13x9-inch pan. Bake 10 minutes. Cool 10 minutes. 2 Meanwhile, in large bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Add remaining filling ingredients; beat until well blended. Pour over warm cookie base. Sprinkle with reserved topping. 3 Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until center is set. Cool 30 minutes. Refrigerate about 2 hours or until chilled. 4 Before serving, drizzle with chocolate and caramel toppings. For bars, cut into 6 rows by 4 rows. Store covered in refrigerator.
Expert Tips A food processor can be used for even easier preparation. Place cookie base ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until crumbly. Reserve 1 cup for topping. Press remaining cookie base mixture in pan. Place filling ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until well blended. Continue recipe as directed. To drizzle the toppings easily, place each topping in a small food-storage plastic bag, snip off a small corner of each bag and squeeze to drizzle toppings over bars.
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Art Gallery A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn."
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Short Fall Jokes Q: What falls in autumn? A: Leaves! Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another? A: I'm falling for you. Q: Why did summer catch autumn? A: Because autumn is fall. Q: Why do the Boston Red Sox fans love autumn? A: Because watching the leaves fall reminds them of the (Yankees). Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin? A: With a pumpkin patch Q: What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch! Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: Sits on a leaf and waits till Autumn! Q: What will fall on the lawn first? Q: An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue? Q: What is a tree's least favorite month? A: Sep-timber!
This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.
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The blonde Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
******************************* A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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Autumn is a season for big decisions — like whether or not it’s too late to start spring cleaning. This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We’ll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in. The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they’re back! I got tired of looking at all those leaves in my yard, so I got up off the couch and went into action. I closed the curtains. The leaves are beginning to fall, and soon only two things will be hanging from the trees: the last leaf and the first football coach. I can hardly wait until all the leaves turn brown to match the grass. Ah yes, summer’s out and autumn’s in. From swimming pools to football pools…. This is an exciting autumn. Our athletes are breaking the records for the most Olympic medals, and our political candidates are breaking the records for the most campaign promises. Now, today’s lawn & garden tip. If you haven’t found the hedge trimmer yet, forget it. It’s almost time now to loose the leaf rake. I could tell there was a hint of autumn in the air when my son’s football smashed me in the face. It’s fall, that time when the colors change from green to red to gold — and that’s just the gunk in your swimming pool. Autumn is a great time of the year. Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up — with ugly patches of dead leaves.
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First Kiss
A wise guy reporter was talking to a group of old men seated around the cracker barrel in a country store. "Pop," he addressed one of the geezers, "Can you recall the name of the first girl you ever kissed?"
"Young man," the old duffer replied, "I can't even recall the last one."
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Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
The Light of the World Is
Jesus said, "Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."1
Michael Josephson, founder of Character Counts, shares how, "during my idealistic youth I attended an event in a large stadium. Everyone was given an unlit candle. Later, a speaker talked about the power of one person with an enlightened message. He also had a candle and a single match. He lit his candle and walked over to two people in the stands and with his candle he lit theirs and asked each of them to just light two other candles. Within a few minutes, everyone's candle was lit and the entire stadium glowed.
"It was the most powerful visual metaphor I've ever experienced. First of all, thousands of candles were lit by a single tiny flame. What's more, while the flame was passed on and on, each flame continued to burn with undiminished light. The speed with which the light and warmth of that single flame spread to everyone in the stadium was literally awe-inspiring."2
In this day of increasing darkness caused by so much evil, terrorism, and turning from God there is an urgent need for every Christian to let his/her light shine. As we used to sing as kids in Sunday school: "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine … Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm going to let it shine … Don't let Satan puff it out … I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."
The only way we are going to make an impact on the world in which we live is to let our light shine. Our words may be eloquent, our speeches inspiring, our writing powerful, but unless people see and/or sense Jesus and God's love within us, we are not going to impact anyone.
Remember, too, that all the darkness in the world cannot put out or diminish the light of one small candle. And while Jesus is the Light of the World,3 we are his "lesser lights" and need to be reflectors of his light.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, I'm available today, please help me to reflect your light—the Light of the World—and to be as Jesus to every life I touch and grant that they, seeing Jesus in me, will want him for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Matthew 5:15-16 (NIV).
Philippians 2:1-2 “[Imitating Christ’s Humility] Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.â€
*************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
haruspex • huh-RUSS-peks • noun : a diviner in ancient Rome basing his predictions on inspection of the entrails of sacrificial animals
Examples: The haruspex declared that the outcome of the battle would be favorable.
"The coroner-cum-haruspex will divine the mystery of her death, read the entrails of the bird that flew too far and too fast…." -- From an article by Violet LeVoit in the Baltimore City Paper, August 17, 2011
*************************** Abraham Lincoln "Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
Kin Hubbard "The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."
Joan Rivers "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."
*************************** CHICKEN N DUMPLINGS
1 chicken, cut up (remove skin for "leaner" dish) 1 tbsp. parsley flakes 1 carrot, sliced 1 med. onion, sliced 2 celery stalks, leaves included 1/8 tsp. pepper 1 1/2 tsp. salt
Place chicken in kettle with a tightly fitting lid. Cover with just enough hot water to cover, add vegetables, salt and pepper. Bring to boil, let boil 5 minutes, reduce heat and simmer until tender, 1 to 2 hours (depending on size of chicken).
DUMPLINGS:
Mix with a fork:
2 c. baking mix (Bisquick or Jiffy type mix) 3/4 c. milk
Drop by spoonfuls onto boiling chicken and vegetables. Cook uncovered over low heat about 10 minutes. Cover and continue cooking 10 minutes more. Liquid just bubbles gently. Makes 10 to 12 dumplings. Remove dumplings to serving bowl. Put chicken on platter. Keep warm while you thicken broth remaining for gravy. With 1/2 c. baking mix and 1 cup milk or cold water, stir together to make smooth paste. Stir into broth. Cook until thickened, stirring occasionally to keep smooth. Pour gravy over chicken or serve separately. Makes a good Sunday dinner.
*************************** SLUMGULLION
1 lb. ground meat 1 med. onion, diced 1 lb. can tomatoes 1 (8 oz.) can tomato sauce 1 c. macaroni, heaping 1 tsp. salt 1/4 tsp. pepper
In a large skillet, cook ground meat and onions. When meat is done, drain excess grease. In another pan, cook macaroni. Crush the tomatoes and add them along with the sauce, macaroni, salt and pepper to the meat and onions in the skillet. Let the whole mixture simmer until some of the juice from the tomatoes cooks away. Feeds 3-4 people.
***************************
CORN SOUFFLE 1 can creamed corn 1 can whole kernel corn, drained 2 eggs, well beaten 1 stick melted butter 1 (8 oz.) sour cream 1 sm. box Jiffy corn bread mix 1 c. Cheddar cheese Mix all ingredients except cheese. Pour into lightly greased baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and bake another 10-15 minutes.
***************************
Pineapple Heaven Cake
Active Time: 30 Minutes Total Time: 1 Hour 30 Minutes
Quick ,easy, extra moist and delicious!
INGREDIENTS
Cake: 1 boxed yellow cake mix 1 large can crushed pineapple in juice 3 eggs 1/2 cup water and all of juice from pineapple 1/3 cup canola oil 1/2 can sweetened condensed milk
Icing: 8oz. reduced calorie cream cheese 1/2 stick softened butter 2 cups sifted powdered sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla chopped pecans for garnish
DIRECTIONS
Cake: Mix all ingredients with electric mixer on medium for 2 minutes. Pour into greased 11x13" greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes or until cake tester comes out clean. Cool. Turn out onto serving platter or dish. Cool completely.
Icing: Cream butter and cream cheese with electric mixer until smooth. Gradually add sifted powdered sugar and vanilla and continue to beat until smooth and creamy. Frost top and sides and garnish top with chopped pecans. Cut into squares and serve.
*************************** Bacon-Cheese Stuffed Shells Recipe “I make these rich shells for parties or for friends- and I always get rave reviews! It will surely please anyone and even have them asking for the recipe.†—Bekie Anderson, Austin, Texas
12 Servings Prep: 45 min. Bake: 40 min.
Ingredients 24 uncooked jumbo pasta shells 1 cup chopped fresh mushrooms 1 cup finely chopped onion 1 tablespoon plus 1/4 cup butter, divided 1-1/2 cups ricotta cheese 1 package (8 ounces) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), softened, divided 1-1/2 cups shredded Asiago cheese, divided 1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese 1 cup crumbled cooked bacon 2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley, divided 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon pepper 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour 2 cups heavy whipping cream 1/2 cup chicken broth 1/2 cup 2% milk 2 cups shredded Romano cheese 1-1/2 cups shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
Directions Cook pasta according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, saute mushrooms and onion in 1 tablespoon butter until tender. In a large bowl, beat ricotta and 4 ounces cream cheese until blended. Stir in 1/2 cup Asiago cheese, Parmesan cheese, bacon, 1 tablespoon parsley, garlic salt, nutmeg, pepper and mushroom mixture. Spoon into shells; place in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish. In a large saucepan, melt remaining butter. Stir in flour until smooth; gradually add the cream, broth and milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1-2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in Romano cheese and the remaining cream cheese, Asiago and parsley. Pour over shells. Sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Cover and bake at 350° for 30 minutes. Uncover; bake 10-15 minutes longer or until bubbly. Yield: 12 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 2 stuffed shells equals 554 calories, 42 g fat (26 g saturated fat), 139 mg cholesterol, 975 mg sodium, 21 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 26 g protein.
***************************
Sweet Onion Slaw Pork Wraps
“The pork and sweet onion slaw go great together and create a quick-and-easy weeknight meal.†A knife and fork make these yummy hand-helds neater to eat. Nancy Roth - Saint Joseph, IL
2 Servings Prep/Total Time: 20 min.
Ingredients 2/3 cup coleslaw mix 4 teaspoons finely chopped sweet onion 1 tablespoon mayonnaise 2 teaspoons sugar 1/2 teaspoon rice vinegar 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice Dash celery seed Dash pepper Dash salt 1 boneless pork loin chop (6 ounces), cut into 2-inch strips 1 teaspoon olive oil 2 flour tortillas (8 inches), warmed
Directions In a large bowl, combine the first nine ingredients; set aside. In a small skillet, cook pork in oil until pork is no longer pink. Spoon coleslaw mixture and pork down the center of each tortilla; roll up. Yield: 2 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 1 wrap equals 355 calories, 16 g fat (3 g saturated fat), 43 mg cholesterol, 389 mg sodium, 32 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber
***************************
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone,and a funnybone. --Reba McEntire
If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. --Charles Schulz
A man is worried that his wife is losing her hearing, so he consults a doctor. The doctor suggests that he try a simple at-home test on her: Stand behind her and ask her a question first from twenty feet away, next from ten feet, and finally right behind her. So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen facing the stove. He says from the door, “What’s for dinner tonight?†No answer. Ten feet behind her, he repeats, “What’s for dinner tonight?†Still, no answer. Finally, right behind her he says, “What’s for dinner tonight?†And his wife turns around and says, “For the third time—chicken!â€
A man held up a bank, demanding all the $20, $40, and $60 dollar bills. Luckily, he left after the teller told him, “All I have is $80’s.â€
January is the month that people are most likely to be fired—especially if you’re and elf.
The top things people give up for the New Year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.
A 103-year-old woman in Wales is the oldest Facebook user. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to waste your precious time.
A new study found that seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain teasers. That’s why every morning, we stick grandma in a maze and make her find her way out.
Jean Paul, a Cajun, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old famer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.†“Well then, just give me my money back.†“Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.†“OK then, just unload the donkey.†“What are you gonna do with him?†“I’m gonna raffle him off.†“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!†“Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.†A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?†“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.†“Didn’t anyone complain?†“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.â€
A woman goes to a spiritualist—a medium. She wants to get in touch with the spirit of her dead husband. The medium goes into a trance and after a while a voice comes out. “Barbara,†it says, “Are you there?†“That’s Jack,†the wife says, “I’d know his voice anywhere. Jack, tell me…where you are…is it nice?†“Barbara, it’s absolutely gorgeous…The sky is beautiful blue with pretty white clouds… and the cows…Barbara, I really wish you could see these cows. Brown cows, black cows, white cows—such beautiful cows I’ve never seen, never in my whole life.†“But… Jack, I didn’t know they had cows in Heaven.†“Who’s talking about Heaven? I’m a bull in Argentina!†A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. This friend of mine went out with a woman. Her mother liked him, but her father didn’t. He went out with another woman whose father liked him, but her mother didn’t. Finally, he met a woman whose mother liked him, her father liked him, but her husband couldn’t stand him. There was a young fellow of Lyme, Who lived with three wives at one time. When asked: “Why the third?†He replied: “One’s absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime.†The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. Three old men were sitting on a front porch comparing their memories. The first one says “I remember being in a stroller, I must have been two. The second one says “I remember standing up in the crib and looking around.†The third one says “You both have lousy memories, I remember going to a picnic with my dad and coming home with my mom.†A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem. The captain’s parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done. The bird says, “Look, it’s not the same hat!†or “Hey! He’s hiding the flowers under the table!†The magician is enraged. But it’s the captain’s parrot, so he can’t do anything about it. One day on a long cruise, there is an accident. The ship crashes and sinks. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle of the ocean. For days neither says anything. Finally, after a week with no hope in sight, the parrot says, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?â€
Why aren’t elephants allowed in the swimming pool? Because they can’t keep their trunks up.
I wonder what the French say when they get déjà vu?
The wife was in front of the divorce judge and said, “All I’m asking is that my husband should leave me the way he found me.†Slightly taken aback, the judge said, “But lady, that’s impossible.†“Why impossible?†she persisted. “He found me as a widow, didn’t he?â€
If everyone owned a horse, the country would be more stabilized.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and mother,†she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?†One little boy replied, “Thou shalt not kill.â€
The only way to double your money in Las Vegas is to fold it and keep it in your wallet.
Why can’t you eat carrots with fingers? Carrots don’t have fingers.
UFO’s: Elusive flying machines thought to be piloted by extraterrestrials and generally confined in their earthly encounters to areas where the National Enquirer is considered a literary magazine.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Isn’t that called a horse?
The fly made a visit to the grocery store Didn’t even knock—went right in the door. He took a bite of sugar, and took a bite of ham, Then he sat down to rest on the grocery man.
*************************
Why did the math teacher dice her carrots? She wanted square roots.
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I think I may have in a former life.
Just when you think tomorrow will never come, it’s yesterday.
There are a lot of theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct. Most likely the dinosaurs got bored staring at the exhibits in natural history museums, and they died on the spot.
What smells good and rides a horse? The Cologne Ranger.
I finished the New York City marathon in under an hour. I would’ve been faster, but I had to stop for gas. A police officer stopped a drunk wandering through the streets at five o’clock in the morning. The policeman said: “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour? The drunk replied: “If I could, I’d be home by now!â€
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe v. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.â€
What’s white, fluffy, and beats its chest in a pastry shop? A meringue-utan.
As the poet said, “Only God can make a treeâ€â€”probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I was riding a horse, and its leg was broken, so I had to shoot it. Everybody on the carousel freaked out.
“Knock. Knock.†“Who’s there?†“Ears.†“Ears who?†“Ears another knock knock joke.â€
How do you make a fruit stand? Take away its chair.
I’m from a very large family. Seven parents.
I went to see a psychic the other day. I could tell right away that she wasn’t any good. She took one of my checks.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school? “Bison!â€
From the west to the fabulous east Lies the natural world—used to, at least; Look in forest or den, In zoo, farm or pen, Now it’s Man that is really the beast.
A man who won the $100 million lottery said he was going back to his job teaching. Apparently he doesn’t teach math.
What happens when a green tomato is put into very cold water? It gets wet.
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead elephant. Amazed, he asked, “Did you kill that?†“Yes†“How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?†“I killed it with my club.†The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?†“There’s about seventy of us.†CEO : Corporate Ego in Overdrive
*****************************
When I feel like getting away from it all, I just turn the TV on to a Spanish soap opera and imagine I'm on vacation in a hotel in Mexico.
Leisure time is when your spouse can't find you.
What is a bird after he is four days old? Five days old.
He: I've traced my ancestors right back to royalty. She: You mean King Kong?
She: Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater? He: I didn't even know they could knit.
The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
Steve: I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. Frank: I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles. Steve: She did. But where am I going to find a fake jeep?
A brave but quite odd gladiator Fell in love with a young alligator, His friends said, “You fool, Get out of that pool, You’re expected to fight her, not date her!â€
I try not to argue with my wife. I might win, and then I'd really be in trouble.
When is a car not a car? When it is turning into a driveway.
He: Tell me, where did you get those big, blue eyes? She: They came with my face.
She: You look like my fourth husband. He: How many have you had? She: Three.
She: Are you sure? He: I'm positive. She: Only a fool is positive. He: Are you sure? She: I'm positive.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
I play chess with my dog nearly every day. Your dog plays chess? That's great. Not really. I beat him two times out of three.
I asked if I could see her home, so she showed me a picture of it.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth--so that I can find out if all those women were telling me the truth.
Why is a roomful of married people empty? Because there isn't a single person in it.
It was a magical night. The moon was out, and so were her parents.
She: Would you like to see where I was vaccinated? He: Sure. She: Okay, we'll drive past it in a minute.
So, what did your blind date look like? Well, he looked a lot better over the telephone.
Steve was waiting on the corner for his blind date to arrive. Suddenly, this woman walked up to him. He said, " Are you Susan?" She said, "Are you Steve?" Steve said, "Yes." She said, "I'm not Susan.
The fabulous Wizard of Oz Retired from the business becoz, What with up-to-date science, To most of his clients He wasn’t the wizard he woz.
How did l learn to dance? Simple--when I grew up there were six kids and only one bathroom.
My wife has just two complaints: first, she's got absolutely nothing to wear. And second, she's run out of closet space to keep it in.
Rembrandt produced roughly 300 paintings--of which nearly 1,000 are in America.
WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD; WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.
You've got to hand it to Venus de Milo. I mean, how else would she eat?
I was a premature baby--my father wasn't expecting me.
Nature is, by and large, to be found out of doors, a location where, it can't be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
She: Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays? He: Only two of them. She: Which ones? He: "Romeo and Juliet."
Two pigeons were flying over a car dealer's and one said, "Why don't we put a deposit on that Mercedes?"
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.
The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back in the machine.
Why did the big rope scold the little rope? Because it was knotty.
There was a young athlete named Tribbling Whose hobby was basketball dribbling, But he dribbled one day On a busy freeway— Now is sister is missing a sibling!
My brother is a brilliant medical researcher. He's just invented a cure for which there's no known illness.
A show off is a child who is more talented than yours. Many a tombstone inscription is a grave error.
My wife has a terrible memory. She never forgets a thing.
I was a musical prodigy. At three I composed an opera. At four I wrote a minuet. At five I wrote a complete symphony. And at five-thirty, as usual, I went downstairs and had a cup of coffee.
I've decided on my New Year's resolution: from the beginning of March, I'm resolving not to procrastinate.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
The "W" in Christmas Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas. My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six year old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant." I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there'd be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise. So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer. So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love," I was slightly taken aback by its bold title. Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row- center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love." The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W". The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W". Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together. A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities. For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear: "C H R I S T W A S L O V E" And, I believe, He still is. Amazed in His presence... .humbled by His love. Again, HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS SEASON!
Tags: Christmas
12 Days of Christmas There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today I found out at a ladies luncheon its origin. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning:the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember. * The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. * Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments * Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love. * The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. * The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. * The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. * Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit - Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. * The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes. * Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit-Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. * The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments. * The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. * The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol... so pass it on if you wish.
Tags: Christmas Song
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
The Light of the World Is
Jesus said, "Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."1
Michael Josephson, founder of Character Counts, shares how, "during my idealistic youth I attended an event in a large stadium. Everyone was given an unlit candle. Later, a speaker talked about the power of one person with an enlightened message. He also had a candle and a single match. He lit his candle and walked over to two people in the stands and with his candle he lit theirs and asked each of them to just light two other candles. Within a few minutes, everyone's candle was lit and the entire stadium glowed.
"It was the most powerful visual metaphor I've ever experienced. First of all, thousands of candles were lit by a single tiny flame. What's more, while the flame was passed on and on, each flame continued to burn with undiminished light. The speed with which the light and warmth of that single flame spread to everyone in the stadium was literally awe-inspiring."2
In this day of increasing darkness caused by so much evil, terrorism, and turning from God there is an urgent need for every Christian to let his/her light shine. As we used to sing as kids in Sunday school: "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine … Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm going to let it shine … Don't let Satan puff it out … I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."
The only way we are going to make an impact on the world in which we live is to let our light shine. Our words may be eloquent, our speeches inspiring, our writing powerful, but unless people see and/or sense Jesus and God's love within us, we are not going to impact anyone.
Remember, too, that all the darkness in the world cannot put out or diminish the light of one small candle. And while Jesus is the Light of the World,3 we are his "lesser lights" and need to be reflectors of his light.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, I'm available today, please help me to reflect your light—the Light of the World—and to be as Jesus to every life I touch and grant that they, seeing Jesus in me, will want him for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Matthew 5:15-16 (NIV).
Philippians 2:1-2 “[Imitating Christ’s Humility] Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.â€
*************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
haruspex • huh-RUSS-peks • noun : a diviner in ancient Rome basing his predictions on inspection of the entrails of sacrificial animals
Examples: The haruspex declared that the outcome of the battle would be favorable.
"The coroner-cum-haruspex will divine the mystery of her death, read the entrails of the bird that flew too far and too fast…." -- From an article by Violet LeVoit in the Baltimore City Paper, August 17, 2011
*************************** Abraham Lincoln "Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
Kin Hubbard "The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."
Joan Rivers "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."
*************************** CHICKEN N DUMPLINGS
1 chicken, cut up (remove skin for "leaner" dish) 1 tbsp. parsley flakes 1 carrot, sliced 1 med. onion, sliced 2 celery stalks, leaves included 1/8 tsp. pepper 1 1/2 tsp. salt
Place chicken in kettle with a tightly fitting lid. Cover with just enough hot water to cover, add vegetables, salt and pepper. Bring to boil, let boil 5 minutes, reduce heat and simmer until tender, 1 to 2 hours (depending on size of chicken).
DUMPLINGS:
Mix with a fork:
2 c. baking mix (Bisquick or Jiffy type mix) 3/4 c. milk
Drop by spoonfuls onto boiling chicken and vegetables. Cook uncovered over low heat about 10 minutes. Cover and continue cooking 10 minutes more. Liquid just bubbles gently. Makes 10 to 12 dumplings. Remove dumplings to serving bowl. Put chicken on platter. Keep warm while you thicken broth remaining for gravy. With 1/2 c. baking mix and 1 cup milk or cold water, stir together to make smooth paste. Stir into broth. Cook until thickened, stirring occasionally to keep smooth. Pour gravy over chicken or serve separately. Makes a good Sunday dinner.
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1 lb. ground meat 1 med. onion, diced 1 lb. can tomatoes 1 (8 oz.) can tomato sauce 1 c. macaroni, heaping 1 tsp. salt 1/4 tsp. pepper
In a large skillet, cook ground meat and onions. When meat is done, drain excess grease. In another pan, cook macaroni. Crush the tomatoes and add them along with the sauce, macaroni, salt and pepper to the meat and onions in the skillet. Let the whole mixture simmer until some of the juice from the tomatoes cooks away. Feeds 3-4 people.
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CORN SOUFFLE 1 can creamed corn 1 can whole kernel corn, drained 2 eggs, well beaten 1 stick melted butter 1 (8 oz.) sour cream 1 sm. box Jiffy corn bread mix 1 c. Cheddar cheese Mix all ingredients except cheese. Pour into lightly greased baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and bake another 10-15 minutes.
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Pineapple Heaven Cake
Active Time: 30 Minutes Total Time: 1 Hour 30 Minutes
Quick ,easy, extra moist and delicious!
INGREDIENTS
Cake: 1 boxed yellow cake mix 1 large can crushed pineapple in juice 3 eggs 1/2 cup water and all of juice from pineapple 1/3 cup canola oil 1/2 can sweetened condensed milk
Icing: 8oz. reduced calorie cream cheese 1/2 stick softened butter 2 cups sifted powdered sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla chopped pecans for garnish
DIRECTIONS
Cake: Mix all ingredients with electric mixer on medium for 2 minutes. Pour into greased 11x13" greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes or until cake tester comes out clean. Cool. Turn out onto serving platter or dish. Cool completely.
Icing: Cream butter and cream cheese with electric mixer until smooth. Gradually add sifted powdered sugar and vanilla and continue to beat until smooth and creamy. Frost top and sides and garnish top with chopped pecans. Cut into squares and serve.
*************************** Bacon-Cheese Stuffed Shells Recipe “I make these rich shells for parties or for friends- and I always get rave reviews! It will surely please anyone and even have them asking for the recipe.†—Bekie Anderson, Austin, Texas
12 Servings Prep: 45 min. Bake: 40 min.
Ingredients 24 uncooked jumbo pasta shells 1 cup chopped fresh mushrooms 1 cup finely chopped onion 1 tablespoon plus 1/4 cup butter, divided 1-1/2 cups ricotta cheese 1 package (8 ounces) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), softened, divided 1-1/2 cups shredded Asiago cheese, divided 1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese 1 cup crumbled cooked bacon 2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley, divided 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon pepper 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour 2 cups heavy whipping cream 1/2 cup chicken broth 1/2 cup 2% milk 2 cups shredded Romano cheese 1-1/2 cups shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
Directions Cook pasta according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, saute mushrooms and onion in 1 tablespoon butter until tender. In a large bowl, beat ricotta and 4 ounces cream cheese until blended. Stir in 1/2 cup Asiago cheese, Parmesan cheese, bacon, 1 tablespoon parsley, garlic salt, nutmeg, pepper and mushroom mixture. Spoon into shells; place in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish. In a large saucepan, melt remaining butter. Stir in flour until smooth; gradually add the cream, broth and milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1-2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in Romano cheese and the remaining cream cheese, Asiago and parsley. Pour over shells. Sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Cover and bake at 350° for 30 minutes. Uncover; bake 10-15 minutes longer or until bubbly. Yield: 12 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 2 stuffed shells equals 554 calories, 42 g fat (26 g saturated fat), 139 mg cholesterol, 975 mg sodium, 21 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 26 g protein.
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Sweet Onion Slaw Pork Wraps
“The pork and sweet onion slaw go great together and create a quick-and-easy weeknight meal.†A knife and fork make these yummy hand-helds neater to eat. Nancy Roth - Saint Joseph, IL
2 Servings Prep/Total Time: 20 min.
Ingredients 2/3 cup coleslaw mix 4 teaspoons finely chopped sweet onion 1 tablespoon mayonnaise 2 teaspoons sugar 1/2 teaspoon rice vinegar 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice Dash celery seed Dash pepper Dash salt 1 boneless pork loin chop (6 ounces), cut into 2-inch strips 1 teaspoon olive oil 2 flour tortillas (8 inches), warmed
Directions In a large bowl, combine the first nine ingredients; set aside. In a small skillet, cook pork in oil until pork is no longer pink. Spoon coleslaw mixture and pork down the center of each tortilla; roll up. Yield: 2 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 1 wrap equals 355 calories, 16 g fat (3 g saturated fat), 43 mg cholesterol, 389 mg sodium, 32 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber
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To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone,and a funnybone. --Reba McEntire
If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. --Charles Schulz
A man is worried that his wife is losing her hearing, so he consults a doctor. The doctor suggests that he try a simple at-home test on her: Stand behind her and ask her a question first from twenty feet away, next from ten feet, and finally right behind her. So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen facing the stove. He says from the door, “What’s for dinner tonight?†No answer. Ten feet behind her, he repeats, “What’s for dinner tonight?†Still, no answer. Finally, right behind her he says, “What’s for dinner tonight?†And his wife turns around and says, “For the third time—chicken!â€
A man held up a bank, demanding all the $20, $40, and $60 dollar bills. Luckily, he left after the teller told him, “All I have is $80’s.â€
January is the month that people are most likely to be fired—especially if you’re and elf.
The top things people give up for the New Year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.
A 103-year-old woman in Wales is the oldest Facebook user. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to waste your precious time.
A new study found that seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain teasers. That’s why every morning, we stick grandma in a maze and make her find her way out.
Jean Paul, a Cajun, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old famer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.†“Well then, just give me my money back.†“Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.†“OK then, just unload the donkey.†“What are you gonna do with him?†“I’m gonna raffle him off.†“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!†“Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.†A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?†“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.†“Didn’t anyone complain?†“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.â€
A woman goes to a spiritualist—a medium. She wants to get in touch with the spirit of her dead husband. The medium goes into a trance and after a while a voice comes out. “Barbara,†it says, “Are you there?†“That’s Jack,†the wife says, “I’d know his voice anywhere. Jack, tell me…where you are…is it nice?†“Barbara, it’s absolutely gorgeous…The sky is beautiful blue with pretty white clouds… and the cows…Barbara, I really wish you could see these cows. Brown cows, black cows, white cows—such beautiful cows I’ve never seen, never in my whole life.†“But… Jack, I didn’t know they had cows in Heaven.†“Who’s talking about Heaven? I’m a bull in Argentina!†A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. This friend of mine went out with a woman. Her mother liked him, but her father didn’t. He went out with another woman whose father liked him, but her mother didn’t. Finally, he met a woman whose mother liked him, her father liked him, but her husband couldn’t stand him. There was a young fellow of Lyme, Who lived with three wives at one time. When asked: “Why the third?†He replied: “One’s absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime.†The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. Three old men were sitting on a front porch comparing their memories. The first one says “I remember being in a stroller, I must have been two. The second one says “I remember standing up in the crib and looking around.†The third one says “You both have lousy memories, I remember going to a picnic with my dad and coming home with my mom.†A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem. The captain’s parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done. The bird says, “Look, it’s not the same hat!†or “Hey! He’s hiding the flowers under the table!†The magician is enraged. But it’s the captain’s parrot, so he can’t do anything about it. One day on a long cruise, there is an accident. The ship crashes and sinks. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle of the ocean. For days neither says anything. Finally, after a week with no hope in sight, the parrot says, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the ship?â€
Why aren’t elephants allowed in the swimming pool? Because they can’t keep their trunks up.
I wonder what the French say when they get déjà vu?
The wife was in front of the divorce judge and said, “All I’m asking is that my husband should leave me the way he found me.†Slightly taken aback, the judge said, “But lady, that’s impossible.†“Why impossible?†she persisted. “He found me as a widow, didn’t he?â€
If everyone owned a horse, the country would be more stabilized.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and mother,†she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?†One little boy replied, “Thou shalt not kill.â€
The only way to double your money in Las Vegas is to fold it and keep it in your wallet.
Why can’t you eat carrots with fingers? Carrots don’t have fingers.
UFO’s: Elusive flying machines thought to be piloted by extraterrestrials and generally confined in their earthly encounters to areas where the National Enquirer is considered a literary magazine.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Isn’t that called a horse?
The fly made a visit to the grocery store Didn’t even knock—went right in the door. He took a bite of sugar, and took a bite of ham, Then he sat down to rest on the grocery man.
*************************
Why did the math teacher dice her carrots? She wanted square roots.
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I think I may have in a former life.
Just when you think tomorrow will never come, it’s yesterday.
There are a lot of theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct. Most likely the dinosaurs got bored staring at the exhibits in natural history museums, and they died on the spot.
What smells good and rides a horse? The Cologne Ranger.
I finished the New York City marathon in under an hour. I would’ve been faster, but I had to stop for gas. A police officer stopped a drunk wandering through the streets at five o’clock in the morning. The policeman said: “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour? The drunk replied: “If I could, I’d be home by now!â€
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe v. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.â€
What’s white, fluffy, and beats its chest in a pastry shop? A meringue-utan.
As the poet said, “Only God can make a treeâ€â€”probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I was riding a horse, and its leg was broken, so I had to shoot it. Everybody on the carousel freaked out.
“Knock. Knock.†“Who’s there?†“Ears.†“Ears who?†“Ears another knock knock joke.â€
How do you make a fruit stand? Take away its chair.
I’m from a very large family. Seven parents.
I went to see a psychic the other day. I could tell right away that she wasn’t any good. She took one of my checks.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school? “Bison!â€
From the west to the fabulous east Lies the natural world—used to, at least; Look in forest or den, In zoo, farm or pen, Now it’s Man that is really the beast.
A man who won the $100 million lottery said he was going back to his job teaching. Apparently he doesn’t teach math.
What happens when a green tomato is put into very cold water? It gets wet.
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead elephant. Amazed, he asked, “Did you kill that?†“Yes†“How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?†“I killed it with my club.†The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?†“There’s about seventy of us.†CEO : Corporate Ego in Overdrive
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When I feel like getting away from it all, I just turn the TV on to a Spanish soap opera and imagine I'm on vacation in a hotel in Mexico.
Leisure time is when your spouse can't find you.
What is a bird after he is four days old? Five days old.
He: I've traced my ancestors right back to royalty. She: You mean King Kong?
She: Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater? He: I didn't even know they could knit.
The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
Steve: I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. Frank: I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles. Steve: She did. But where am I going to find a fake jeep?
A brave but quite odd gladiator Fell in love with a young alligator, His friends said, “You fool, Get out of that pool, You’re expected to fight her, not date her!â€
I try not to argue with my wife. I might win, and then I'd really be in trouble.
When is a car not a car? When it is turning into a driveway.
He: Tell me, where did you get those big, blue eyes? She: They came with my face.
She: You look like my fourth husband. He: How many have you had? She: Three.
She: Are you sure? He: I'm positive. She: Only a fool is positive. He: Are you sure? She: I'm positive.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
I play chess with my dog nearly every day. Your dog plays chess? That's great. Not really. I beat him two times out of three.
I asked if I could see her home, so she showed me a picture of it.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth--so that I can find out if all those women were telling me the truth.
Why is a roomful of married people empty? Because there isn't a single person in it.
It was a magical night. The moon was out, and so were her parents.
She: Would you like to see where I was vaccinated? He: Sure. She: Okay, we'll drive past it in a minute.
So, what did your blind date look like? Well, he looked a lot better over the telephone.
Steve was waiting on the corner for his blind date to arrive. Suddenly, this woman walked up to him. He said, " Are you Susan?" She said, "Are you Steve?" Steve said, "Yes." She said, "I'm not Susan.
The fabulous Wizard of Oz Retired from the business becoz, What with up-to-date science, To most of his clients He wasn’t the wizard he woz.
How did l learn to dance? Simple--when I grew up there were six kids and only one bathroom.
My wife has just two complaints: first, she's got absolutely nothing to wear. And second, she's run out of closet space to keep it in.
Rembrandt produced roughly 300 paintings--of which nearly 1,000 are in America.
WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD; WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.
You've got to hand it to Venus de Milo. I mean, how else would she eat?
I was a premature baby--my father wasn't expecting me.
Nature is, by and large, to be found out of doors, a location where, it can't be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
She: Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays? He: Only two of them. She: Which ones? He: "Romeo and Juliet."
Two pigeons were flying over a car dealer's and one said, "Why don't we put a deposit on that Mercedes?"
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.
The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back in the machine.
Why did the big rope scold the little rope? Because it was knotty.
There was a young athlete named Tribbling Whose hobby was basketball dribbling, But he dribbled one day On a busy freeway— Now is sister is missing a sibling!
My brother is a brilliant medical researcher. He's just invented a cure for which there's no known illness.
A show off is a child who is more talented than yours. Many a tombstone inscription is a grave error.
My wife has a terrible memory. She never forgets a thing.
I was a musical prodigy. At three I composed an opera. At four I wrote a minuet. At five I wrote a complete symphony. And at five-thirty, as usual, I went downstairs and had a cup of coffee.
I've decided on my New Year's resolution: from the beginning of March, I'm resolving not to procrastinate.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
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