Overthrow Plot Discovered

Now in a "secure, undisclosed location", a former aide to Vice President Biden disclosed a shocking plot to take over the Presidency of the United States of America.

The aide, who cannot be named for security reasons, and is known to the FBI as "Mr. X", gave himself up to the FBI's Counter-Terrorism Unit last week, claiming to have knowledge of a domestic plot to overthrow the current president, B.H. Obama. Further questioning revealed that the plot was headed by the Vice President, Joe Biden, an FBI spokesperson revealed yesterday.


Presidential illness caused by "Agent AEN."
Many commentators have remarked in recent months on BO's seeming irrationality, loss of common sense, and increasing dogmatic and inflexible approach to issues. Such symptoms, claims Mr. X, are the results of a CIA-sourced compound originally developed for use against Cuban president Fidel Castro, code-named "Agent AEN" (the name refers to Alfred E Neuman of Mad Magazine fame - "What, me worry?").

It is alleged that this substance has been added to the presidential diet by Mr. Biden's agents in an attempt to render the president incapable of fulfilling the duties of the office since immediately following his election,  The dosage apparently was miscalculated, resulting in a minor stroke and impairment of mental functions at some time between the first and second  months of his four year term.. Mr. X also speculates that BO's previous well-documented substance abuse may also have contributed to his over-reaction to Agent AEN.

A call to the Attorney-General's office revealed that the Attorney-General, who was leading the staff of the Justice Department in a Fast and Furious defense meeting at the time, was unaware of these developments until a couple weeks ago.  His only comment was,  "I know NOTHING!"


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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Political Satire,

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Washington, D.C. - In a move that turned the political world upside-down, Congress announced today that instead of having a traditional presidential election next November, candidates will compete on the popular reality game show "Survivor", winner take all.

"The 2008 election was an embarrassing joke," said Senator Felix Wonderhoven, "We've decided to avoid looking like fools again and simply use 'Survivor' to decide the next president."

The show will pit ten candidates against each other in what is traditionally a post-merge situation on the show, where every individual fights for him or her self.

"We had initially planned to split it up into republican and democrat tribes, but then we realized there weren't any good democrat candidates," said Wonderhoven, "So Obama is the only one on the show."

President Obama was shocked yet somewhat intrigued by the news.

"Well I'll be, I love that show," President BO said, "It's my favorite next to 'Operation Repo'. This might be interesting."

The bill to change the election procedure only received one negative vote, from Sen. Al Franken.

"I voted against the bill because I wanted to see them compete in a demolition derby instead," said Franken, "Wouldn't that be cool?"

The show will take place on an island somewhere in the South Pacific and will begin filming in July. The location will not be disclosed for security reasons. The final roster of candidates will be decided through the initial primary elections early next year.

"We believe that this will be the ultimate test to prove the worth of our next president," said Wonderhoven, "It will showcase the candidates' toughness, diplomatic skills, problem-solving ability,  and what they look like shirtless, among other things."

The candidates are split as to whether this is a good or bad thing for them.

"I think it's great," said Rick Perry,  "I know I can whoop that wuss Mitt Romney's  butt in any challenge."

"This is a travesty and a gross mishandling of power," said Newt Gingrich, "I mean, look at me. Do I look like my old pudgy behind will last 30-something days on a desert island?"

"Survivor: The Presidency" will air beginning in September of next year and conclude with a live finale on Election Day on which the winner and next President will be revealed.

"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: political satire

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(Washington D.C.) In a shock announcement today, President Obom-o announced his withdrawal from the 2012 election, leaving the Presidency effectively to any Republican.  candidate. An Obom-o campaign spokesman explained that BO would seek the independence of Hawai'i from the United States, and his coronation as King of Hawai'i in January next year. Failing a successful accession to the Hawai'ian throne, BO would reportedly be content to rule over "any small Pacific island".

"We feel that becoming King of Hawai'i would be more appropriate to BO's talents and disposition than the Presidency of the United States," explained Felix Wonderhoven, campaign strategist and spokesman at a press conference. "After all, kings don't have to spend all their time lying to the public, or reading from their teleprompters, or campaigning  and soliciting soft money donations. They can have absolute power -- taxing people on a whim, making absurd laws and regulations just for fun,  and they have no opposing party  to complain about infringements of personal rights. And it's a perfect opportunity for Mr. and Mrs. BO to spend their time relaxing on the beach, away from the mess they made in the US."

When asked about the possible reaction of the Hawai'ians to a future rule by Obom-o, Wonderhoven claimed that "the Hawai'ian people will achieve "change" by coming under BO's absolute rule. And maybe even democracy, if they prove themselves worthy of the honor in the next twenty or so years. 

The Governor of Hawai'i  commmented, "We have absolutely no wish to see BO back in these islands, whether as King, or dog catcher, or anything else. If he doesn't want to be President, he can simply take up a  profession that suits his talents, such as a piano player in a whorehouse."

We will report as more BO news come in to our press room here at LWN...

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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: political satire, Obama

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New Walmart Checkout Lines

The next trip you take to your local Walmart may not be as painful as it has been in the past. At least that is what the decision-makers at the Walmart's corporate offices are hoping.

Starting in November all of the 4,219 Walmart chain stores will be equipped with checkout registers specifically for problem customers, or "dumbasses", as they are known by the customers in line behind them. 

"We really feel that this will clear up a lot of issues in our stores," says Northwest Region Director Felix Wonderhoven. "Walmart  knows that we can never give our customers back the precious hours of their lives that were lost in our lines prior to October, but this is our way of saying ‘Thanks; We're thinking about you'."

Each store will now have a designated check out especially for those customers that aren't able to figure out simple concepts such as coupon expiration dates, or write a personal check, or question the validity of each and every price tag. These areas, already being dubbed the "tard lines" by some Walmart employees, should ensure that a large portion of Walmart's customers will now be protected from long, unnecessary waits. 

"I think it is a great idea," says Brian Skinner of Tacoma, WA. "I shop at Walmart three or four times a month and I'm always behind some stupid nut that is trying to get another nickel off of expired Cadbury eggs or better yet, this one time I was behind an old guy that kept trying to pay with his driver's license. Without fail, I go in for what is supposed to be a thirty second trip and end up wishing I had access to a tazer gun." 

Procedure dictates that anyone taking over fifteen seconds per item, for example two minutes for eight items, will automatically be assigned to the Dumb-ass line on their next visit. Additionally any potential customer trying to enter the store through the "out" door and does not immediately recognize their mistake will be marked for the line in advance. 

Walmart will compile and share all Dumb-ass information through the same database that product codes are supplied. Any customers that do not comply with the new rules will be unceremoniously asked to leave  and not return.

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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Walmart, satire,

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Al Gore and Global Storming

Now that he has found the solution to global warming (it's global air conditioning) former Vice President, Internet inventor, Oscar winner, and environmental activist, Algore, warns of a new environmental crisis threatening our planet: Global storming!!!.

Algore states, "There are too many storms, big storms, damaging storms, that are causing loss of life and loss of property throughout the world. This is a world crisis. We must stop the proliferation of rainstorms, snowstorms, hailstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes and typhoons. Our planet, our very lives depend on it!"

What's causing these huge killer storms? According to Algore, the planet's wild weather and killer storms are man-made. Says Algore, "They are caused by SUV's."  AND, we all know the evil reputation the SUV  carries. Algore believes we should all be walking and riding bicycles to stop the new crisis.,,,,well everyone except him.....

A spokesperson for the International Bad Weather Bureau, Lotta Wetness, states, "It's all true. Whatever Algore says is right on the money, you can take it to the bank. Which Algore does."

The solution to global storming? According to a number of global scientists paid by environmental extremist groups (also known as whackos) we must immediately pass even more stupid environmental laws which make no sense, raise taxes, walk, and pedal, and give up our SUV's. And pay more attention, and money, to Algore.  He needs our money to pay for his limo's and jets...... 

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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Global, storms, Al Gore, SUV'S.Satire

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Foot In Mouth Disease

WALKER-TX - The words of the theme song from Austin City Limits, "London Homesick Blues" rang hauntingly true yesterday when a Texas man, after drinking several glasses of wine contaminated with athlete's foot fungus, tenia pedis contracted foot-in-mouth disease. It was thought that the wine, a product of Barefoot Vineyards in California, had been contaminated by one of it's grape stompers. A recall had been issued since Sunday for all wines under this label.

Eye witnesses say that the infected man,  Billy Bob Butts, drank several glasses of the wine and just wouldn't shut up. They said that he insulted people's relatives-living and dead, person's eating at the drug store counter, Elvis, Jesus and even NASCAR drivers.

The Foot-In-Mouth disease can be contagious especially on neighbor's back stoops, over telephones, at weddings, holiday dinners, small towns and bars. Also, talk about in-laws, politics and religion can cause the disease to rash rather rapidly.

The Neches County Health Department, in preparation for the holidays, has begun issuing shots against the infection as area churches are switching to grape juice instead of wine for their communions.

Yet the song always somehow remaines the same....

"Well I decided that I get my cowboy hat

And go down to Marvel Art Station

'Cause when a Texan fancies, he'll take his chances

Chances will be taken now that's for sure

And in limey eyes they were eyein' the prize

Some people called manly footwear

And when you're from down south and you open your mouth

You always seem to put your foot there." 

(Theme Song From Austin City Limits-"London Homesick Blues")

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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Texas, feet, disease

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National Vehicular Nose Picking Ban
 

Washington:  PUT ALL YOUR FINGERS WHERE I CAN SEE EM!  Citing marked increases in loss of life and the obvious health and highway safety risks involved, the President is putting American drivers on notice: "When this bill becomes law, you'll either keep your fingers on the wheel' or face stiff fines and prison," exclaimed  President O'bama. 

Initial reactions to the proposal have been met with doubt, skepticism and outright disbelief. "Some people insist it's a joke," Barry admitted, "but I assure you, it snot!  It's for your own good."

Following the litany of other such laws, including a ban on cell phones, smoking, eating, changing clothes, applying makeup, reading, sleeping or sex acts, it's no real surprise that someone would sniff this one out. 

The slogan, "Don't Pick It or Ticket" is already being imprinted on bumper stickers to promote awareness of the addition to local legal requirements that will be displayed on city, county and state trooper cruisers. 

In just the first nine months of 2011, nearly 2 accidents on American streets and roads have been attributed to drivers grossed out by other drivers or their passengers with fingers lodged deeply in their nostrils. Most of the affected drivers were so overcome that they either lost control of their own vehicles and either collided with other cars or left the road and overturned.

The surprising thing about this issue is that drivers aren't the only ones subject to the conditions of the impending law. B.O. explained that anyone inside a moving vehicle is punishable by fine and jail time if found guilty of pokin' the ole proboscis, unless the vehicle has tinted windows completely obscuring the offense.

The new law is definitely nothing to sneeze at! Our PINO always puts the important issues first!!

"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, jusgt hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: satire, obama, laws

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Tags: men, jokes, classes

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Locker Room Call

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: golf, cellphone, calls,

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