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For the first time in history, the Belmont stakes , the third jewel of Triple Crown's racing will be run first with the Kentucky Derby and Preakness to follow. . Social distancing between horses will likely be impossible once the race starts and the jockeys will of course be wearing very protective masks......EXCEPT one. To add some excitement to this race with almost no fans at what is normally a jammed Belmont Park, the race officials have gone to Westchester County, New York to the famous village of Sleepy Hollow. YES., the very celebrated Headless Horseman will be riding in the Belmont stakes. "There's no way this gentleman will be spreading Covid-19 by sneezing or coughing on any other jockey", a race official commented.
???????? Driving home from Pennsylvania to New York the other afternoon, my wife and I noticed one of those flashing highway signs that read "Missing Person Sighted". I said to my wife"Where was this person sighted and if he was sighted ,then he's not missing anymore",..makes sense to me like those scenic overlook or observation points we sometimes see while driving. In fact, I once drove off on a ramp to see what one of these scenic overlooks was about but it was closed. I guess there was no scene to look at that day. When I see signs in the wintry months that read " Bridge May be Icy", I want to know for sure. May be? Is it or isn't it icy. I don't want this maybe crap. Do signs read to maybe stop or maybe slow down? C'mon. .Get your act together you idiots, !!! Those "Bridge Freezes Before Road Surface" signs really make no sense when I'm not even driving over a bridge. I think someone's brain freezes to put up such ridiculous signs.. I might just be slowing down to see if I spot that missing person. .!!!
ANIMAL FARM So here's the story. I killed a large cockroach a few weeks ago crawling on the carpet of our living room. We get these big roaches very rarely (American cockroach,aka water bugs or Palmetto bugs). Over the years, now and then,I'll find one in our basement and very rarely in our kitchen too. How they get in ? Who knows? By some pipe or crevice or tiny opening by a door looking for a water source as to why they came in so I've read. While a cockroach might startle me, the more common rogue house centipede with its 32 fast legs can scare the bejeezus out of me when I spot one or an infrequent spider and even less seen cellar spider species. Now someone suggested that the centipedes are actually beneficial in eliminating any cockroaches so I put away any glue traps for mice we haven't seen in over a decade but the glue traps have caused the demise of a centipede or two. I recently read that a gecko will eat spiders and centipedes and roaches,oh my !!! and my wife was not thrilled when I purchased a couple to roam our basement. That was a few days ago. Now, we seem to be seeing mice again in our basement and kitchen. This really terrifies my wife as she's afraid of animals. I've tried explaining a little itty bitty mouse won't hurt her but she wants the mice eliminated and said to call an exterminator or take care of the problem myself. I brought in a feral cat yesterday. My wife moved out this morning to live with our daughter in her apartment. .
BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS In one of the most bizarre crimes in history, a resident of Brighton Beach in Brooklyn, NY has been arrested for trying to drain the Atlantic Ocean. According to police, Dan Monasch, a retired transit worker,owns a home not far from the beach and has been going to the shore for the past several years to collect water. Neighbors of Dan describe him as a loner and an oddball, often seen in early morning hours carrying buckets into his tudor style home. Cops were notified when neighbors called 911 after seeing Dan pushing a wheelbarrow into his garage for several evenings in a row. The police were shocked to find almost every inch of living space in Dan's home with buckets, pails, cans. bowls, glasses, bottles, urns. jars, and canisters, etc. of every shape and size filled with water. There were even 4 large aquariums in the living room filled with water from the beach. The house also had a horrible odor of rotting fish,crabs, and some other smaller crustaceans that Dan had inadvertently carried into his house with the water. Dan is being held at Coney Island Hospital for mental observation while awaiting trial. His lawyer feels that the prosecution's arguments to convict Dan of draining the Atlantic Ocean holds no water. There is just no way to determine how much water is Atlantic Ocean and how much water is rainfall. Dan says he was trying to empty the ocean so he could walk to Europe. When told this would never work in a billion years, Dan felt it was worth a try being retired now with a lot of free time after 30 years as a New York City subway worker. He wishes he owned a bigger home. The worst problem in storing the water Dan said was the mildew that was growing all over the walls in his home and the expense of buying cases of Lysol and Clorox disinfectants
Due to Covid-19, the three legs of racing's Triple Crown will be canceled this year. No Kentucky Derby, Preakness, or Belmont. Horses have had to deal with their share of equine pandemics over the centuries dating back to Arabian nights and Alibaba , many millenniums ago. The best known of these deleterious plagues are equine encephalitis and the debilitating muscle disease, Charlie Horse. In more modern times, improper fitting horse shoes causing hoof fungus in the Triple Crown winner, Affirm was confirmed.
Many of these horses preparing for the Kentucky Derby and other races were actually relieved to hear the races had been cancelled. Mares, colts, fillies, geldings, stallions, Sylvester Stallone, studs, Pegasus, and a horse with no name all agreed that these races are for the birds. 2020 Derby favorite "Authentic" said he was sick of these tiring horse whipped workouts . "Tiz The Law", another top prospect agreed. Past winners "Secretariat, Citation, American Pharoah, and Justify all maintained that despite their success, they'd rather have been pulling a buggy in Central Park in Manhattan than racing.
When asked about their opinion of the three big races being canceled, "Sea Biscuit" just neighed, "Silver" gave the interviewer the heave Hi Ho., "Flicker" gave the lights out look. "Trigger" threw Roy Rogers off, and "Mister Ed" was speechless. There's just no way these horses could keep social distancing ,former thoroughbred known as "Ruffian the Crazy Horse" commented .
Horse racing fans and betting parlors across the USA are obviously disheartened and disappointed. Several riders interviewed including Mickey Rooney, Jockey Schwartz, Jockey Underwear, and Jock Strap wondered how they can still make a living . Rodeos , circuses, or riding a Clydesdale for Budweiser was not in the plans any of these riders of the storm or the purple sage had. Jock Cousteau said he felt like horse radish without Gefilte fish and Disc Jockey was quoted" Thank goodness for Nascar Racing.
One of my cousins, (about 20 years older than myself), recently passed away. I hadn't seen him or his family living in Florida in decades. I started thinking about him and his wedding after learning of his death. I know I was at his wedding but don't remember the affair at all. But I do remember something I must have done there, that drove my mother crazy. I must have been around 8 or 9 or 10, 15? I don't think so. I was told years later that I did something at the dinner table which I don't remember doing. You see, I've always been a picky eater and I still am..though I've improved or acquired a taste for some. Still, when it comes to onions or red cabbage or turnips or radishes or beets or carrots or a myriad of other vegetables, I always ask to omit them if possible if I have to order a salad. What am I? a rabbit? Anyway, at my cousin's wedding, I was wearing a really sharp looking red blazer sports jacket which I have pictures of me in from ages ago. I assume i was sitting at the kids table at this wedding. One of the courses served was a fruit salad and my desire to eat fruit was about the same as my abhorrence for vegetables. I must have been afraid my mom would yell at me in front of others or embarrassed to leave it on my plate, so I stuffed the fruit salad in the pockets of my red blazer. It wasn't until that evening at home, I guess, was when my mom noticed the jacket soiled and filled with fruit..perhaps when she was going to hang it up. I suppose I got yelled at plenty that night. I swear to this day I don't remember putting the fruit in my pockets but knowing the mischievous ,sneaky, worrisome kid I was back then, it's very possible. But that was many years ago. I'm a mature adult today in my late 60s. If I go to a catered affair now with my wife, I carry a leak proof zip lock baggy in each pocket of the jacket I'm wearing.
A new species of birds is flourishing in the smallest of the volcanic islands, Kahoolawe Island, in the Hawaiian Islands known as the Jelly Bird. (Spezilla welchus).. Now when we think of Hawaii, one usually thinks of bikini clad babes like Pamela Anderson, Jack Lord. Don Ho. enormous cane spiders, and luau feasts, But now scientists and beachcombers have something to squawk about. Jelly birds are just slightly larger than a Central Park pigeon with unusual glacial parallel striations on their transparent wings making them easy to identify by their discoverer, Charles Welch, heir to the grapes of wrath fortune, hence the name Jelly Bird. Jelly birds are extremely graceful in the air often seen flying in small groups uttering a piercing shriek. While being graceful, they lack the stamina to fly very far or very long. . They usually can be found nesting in the cliffs and rocks of the nearby Gallup Poll Islands. Their diet consists of small insects and seeds. an occasional baby long horned toad, iguana embryo, baby finches, or chocolate Macadamia nuts. As far as a possible food source for natives on some of the less civilized other Hawaiian Islands,.their inhabitants are hoping these birds can provide a change from eating roasted coconuts. Jelly Birds clean themselves in the sand twisting their tiny bodies over and over. This phenomenon is known as the jelly roll as they often bounce up and down off their jelly belly. A new expedition led by the world famous philatelist, Admiral Byrd and first mate .Buzzard Adrift, recently reached Kahoolawe Island to learn more about the Jelly Bird habits and lifestyle and where the expression came from, "What do you mean, jelly bean? " When Admiral Byrd's vessel finally arrived after a long voyage through dangerous and uncharted waters he said." The Beagle Has Landed," Chefs at KFC, Chick-fil-A, and Popeyes are hoping these jelly birds might make a tasty addition to their menus.
I found an item with an infinite number of exciting uses I can play with while being cooped up with my wife during this coronavirus pandemic. ..Silly Putty. I bought three giant one pound colorful eggs that my Silly Putty comes in. While my wife thinks it's foolish. (I think my lady doth protest too much). I think this is indispensable at this critical time . Silly Putty is a viscoelaste liquid as well as having properties of an elastic solid of primarily polydimethysiloxane and thixatrol ST which is a castor oil derivative. My wife should be impressed seeing what she's calling a toy is really a triumph in science. If Silly Putty was good enough for the Apollo 8 astronauts, it's good enough for us. I told her to swallow some Silly Putty next time she has a need for a laxative. I unpacked my red egg and already molded my Silly Putty into a bouncing ball. I can also stretch it and fold it and snap it and crack it. Oh.What fun. !!! I copied some images onto the Silly Putty from my collection of Archie and Green Hornet comic books. Superman and Batman looks so funny when you stretch them. . I also pressed my Silly Putty into some of the mail we got.....some bills and tax papers we were supposed to sign and mail back to our accountant. Unfortunately, the Silly Putty got stuck to some of the pages and I ended up tearing a lot of papers. When my wife saw what I did.......well, her reaction was unprintable so I'll let it go at that. I was sent ti my room where I'm coloring my TV with Winky Dink and my magic drawing screen.
WEST SIDE STORY QUARANTINE LYRICS Two nights.Two nights, Hamburgers next two nights. We're having franks and French fries too. Two nights. Two nights. What heavenly delights Oh what will be for for dinner when we're through? Two nights of ketchup and some mustard Dessert I'll have some custard, some brownie mini bites. Two nights two nights God help me next two nights to wipe my ass........two nights.
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