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My right hand was kind of achy the other day. I might have bruised it when the toilet bowl cover lid fell on it or I slept on it or maybe a touch of arthritis. My thumb and fingers on my right hand had a pinch of pain too. So I rubbed one of those analgesic medications on my hand and fingers. I had some Tiger Balm and Icy Hot and Heet liniment but decided to go with the reliable good old extra strength Ben Gay .
It was at that exact moment when I was applying the Ben Gay that a tiny gnat landed next to my thumb by the bathroom sink. I knew it might fly away before I could wipe it away with a tissue so I just squashed it with my sore thumb. Seeing what was left of the gnat reminded me of that common idiom:.....get ready....don't laugh...here it comes... "a fly in the ointment".
In an absolutely mind boggling discovery, NASA has confirmed the discovery of a tiny moon orbiting our moon. Due to its close proximity to the "Dark Side Of the Moon", it has stayed hidden for countless centuries due to our moon's gravitational pull on this immeasurably smaller orbiting moon.
The discovery was made by one of NASA'S leading exobiologists using extremely sophisticated fancy shmancy instruments like ultra violet spectromographic doppler undulating modulating kaleidoscopes that helped substantiate this important discovery of the moon to our moon.
This tiny moon has been named "Exebon" , after the discoverer's father's name: the revered paleontologist , Doctor Julius Exebonaiya Junior 1V. AND we do mean "tiny" as in a diminutive moon according to several astronauts of the space administration. The main reason this moon was never observed before was because of its size. According to NASA, the beat of the meat (Exebon) is inversely proportional to the angle of the dangle. The size is about the size of a jumbo beach ball . This "micro moon" as it's been called is probably the most astonishing discovery of mankind since the invention of the telescope.
With the existence of Exebon now firmly established, scientologists suggest there may be countless other micro moons orbiting other moons in our solar system and galaxies throughout the universe. If any life does exist on Exebon or other micro moons, "the inhabitants would have to be very very small" was quoted another top scientologist at NASA, to which another scientologist replied, "No shit Sherlock."
In these difficult times, during this coronavirus pandemic, so many businesses are closing and people joining the ranks of the unemployed. There is one of the world's oldest professions not getting the attention and recognition it deserves: Prostitution
Supplying a basic need for humanity, many of these hard working women are falling on hard times being bereft of their loyal customers. In addition, a plethora of escort services are being forced to close as well as massage parlors including the infamous Madam and Eve Parlor in Greenwich Village, New York.
The Mayflower Madam has declared her profession is in a state of emergency. Madam Secretary is asking the federal government for Aids. Madam Butterfly's Opera House of Ill Repute has just a few sparse patrons. Madame Curie radiates with astonishment over this world wide dilemma. Heidi Fleiss had no comment. Mademoiselle from Aementieres hasn't been kissed in 40 days.
Courtesans at the Red Light Districts are waiting for a signal to return to normal business in Paris, Amsterdam, Nevada, and Bang Cock.
Whether people work as a butcher, baker, candle stick maker ,or a hooker, they all need your support today in these beseeching days and nights of boudoir boredom.
With the absence of major sports throughout our nation due to the coronavirus and especially for me in New York (only so many Columbo re-runs I can watch), I am thrilled that some old time "socially distant" safe games are making a comeback. Most participants are professional athletes whose names you might know. Amateurs are advised not to engage in these types of sporting events.
The IHASC (International Hide And Seek Committee), are beginning televised matches of Hide And Seek at Madison Square Garden starting on April 1st. Don't be fooled into thinking this is the children's game we played as kids. The exciting new twist in this game is no one knows who is "it".
Radio City Music Hall in Manhattan is another venue where a Musical Chairs competition will take place, again with professional athletes, many from NBA or NHL teams or performers from closed Broadway productions. Beginning in May there you'll hear " Mister Music Please."
In Brooklyn, NY, The Barclays Center, as well as the Nassau Coliseum on Long Island will be the hosts for the exciting Simon Sez League. Some of the vigorous requirements like placing your hands on your islets of Langerhans or Glutus Maximus (no Russell Crowe), are best left to professional athletes.
So until we hear "Let's Play Ball" at Yankee or Dodger Stadium, we all can still enjoy watching some exhilarating events , albeit from home on our TV as a limit of 10 spectators will be allowed at any of these sporting sites.
If you're a sports fan like me, not much to look forward to due to the coronavirus: NO basketball-college or pro, NO hockey, soccer (I don't care for soccer or golf,for that matter),No tennis and even the baseball season is now in jeopardy. What is one to do?
Oh,sure there are still plenty of sports on TV, but unless you're a polar bear in Alaska who likes ice fishing,there's not much to enjoy. Yacht racing never thrilled me and I just can't get excited about bocce ball or virtual reality darts and miniature golf. Must I get my sports fan adrenalin going by watching Amazon Women of the Moon Mud Wrestling? i don't think so.
Yes, these next few weeks and possibly months won't be easy. Looks like I'll be playing solitaire and pocket pool (trousers).
With the coronavirus reaching pandemic proportions, an emergency meeting took place at the United Nations to try to halt the progression of this world wide menace. Seeing how Italy has done the prudent thing in shutting down their country, the General Assembly has decided to close the Earth.
Effective immediately, no admittance to our planet from any extraterrestrial source will be allowed. This includes all aliens, ETs, Morks. Alfs, and even astronauts living in space stations orbiting the Earth. Those astronauts will need to survive on Tang and freeze dried Spaghettios for the time being.
David Bowie and Matt Damon will not be permitted to return to Earth. All candy imported from Mars will cease as well as Lorna Doones from our celestial lunar neighbor. In addition, all residents of Alpha Centauri and the Andromeda Galaxy will have their green cards suspended.
A spokesman for the U.N. sub committee says these astringent safety measures will help insure a safer world to the human race. These sanctions are nothing to sneeze at. The World Health Organization wants to remind Earthlings that although our planet is under quarantine, the coronavirus does not stop people from experiencing worldly pleasures like group sex, having gourmet dinners without long waits at restaurants, shorter lines at Walmart, or just relaxing on the beach wondering where the hell is everyone.
UNBELIEVABLE KNOWLEDGE About 25 years ago, I took my wife and very young daughter to this Queens Farm Museum in Eastern Queens, NY where they were having an Indian pow wow. This museum has many events year round including car shows, Halloween and Christmas events, egg hunts,petting zoos, carnivals, etc. .At the pow wow which featured a lot of dancing and food (I think I had some delicious corn on the cob back then), there was this elderly Indian who had this sign by him saying he was very wise and could correctly answer any question he was asked. But only one question was allowed to be asked. I jokingly asked him after donating a nominal fee to the museum what I had for breakfast that morning and he replied "eggs". As it turned out I did have eggs that morning .Usually on a weekend morning home, I'd have cereal. Lucky guess I thought to myself. Anyway, I recently went back to that Queens Farm Museum with a cousin who had two young children to this year's pow wow. I was surprised to see that same elderly man sitting next to a sign saying he could correctly answer any one question put to him. I basically just greeted him nodding my head in recognition and saying "How". He uttered just a one word response to me.."scrambled".
The pattern of losing weight and then regaining it repeatedly in the so called yo yo diet has taken on a new spin with the introduction of new lines of edible yoyos
The healthiest by far is the wooden yo yo recommended by gastroenterologists, enjoyed by quadrillions of termites throughout the world, full of what is needed to keep your digestion system moving...fiber.
Second best, doctors suggest trying the Duncan Butterfly yo yo ,also rich in fiber but might give you a jittery feeling in your stomach. Then of course,is the MagicYoYo used by professional dieters in an easy to swallow aluminum gel . The great thing about these yoyos is there are no strings attached.
Whichever yoyo you choose, you'll never be out of the loop but you might be" walking the dog" a lot.
TWAT (Trans World Airline Transports) is providing a desperate overdo need for New York City commuters. Starting April 1st of this year, commuters can board TWAT flights at LGA (Laguardia) or JFK (John F. Kennedy International) airports and travel back and forth to either airport. This is a welcome means of transportation to avoid the traffic snarls and delays from the Northern to the Southern areas of the borough of Queens. Commuters between these areas of Queens no longer need to sit in endless bumper to bumper traffic on highways and parkways, which essentially have become nightmarish miles of parking lots filled with road rage and ulcer laden drivers. Who in their right mind would want to ride in the present alternative? Who wants to ride in an overcrowded standing room only shuttle bus between airports? Even Queens Borough President, Melinda Katz has said" TWAT will be a breath of fresh air..if they leave the windows open." Being about 11 miles between airports, travelers are asked to arrive a minimum of two hours before departure times. They are advised to use the bathrooms in the airports if they feel the need for a crap or a whiz or else be prepared to hold it in during the flight as only one emergency bathroom will be on board in the cockpit In addition, passengers will need to keep their seat belts on at all times due to the close proximity of LGA and JFK. As soon as the plane reaches its cruising altitude after departure, it will be descending and making preparations for landing. TWAT wishes all its passengers a lovely flight and thanks them for flying their customer friendly blue skies.
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