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Viewing 91 - 99 out of 295 Blogs.
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A couple of weeks ago, sitting in a chair by our computer for about 15 minutes, my wife asked if she could clear off some of her mail on the computer so I got up but when she sat down she told me the seat was burning and remarked about what a hot ass I have. I made an appointment to see our primary physician thinking leaving the seat so hot is not normal and sure enough, he said I'm suffering from AHAS ...ACUTE HOT ASS SYNDROME (not to be confused with having a cute hot ass). While there is no cure for AHAS, symptoms can be alleviated by soaking one's derriere in an ice cold bath and stuffing dry ice in their underpants.
When asking for a military discount for a recent car purchase, I mentioned I thought I was eligible for such a discount as my mother had a cousin who was an army obstetrician. Also I had to report for an army physical about 50 years ago during the draft at Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn, NY but I failed the physical.
My blood pressure was too high .You'd be scared too waiting in line in your undies to get a needle stuck in your arm. . Anyway, I was not approved for a military discount. What do they want from me? Blood? Didn't I suffer enough at my army physical? Apparently not.!!! I didn't want a jeep anyway.
Who knew? Specially trained species of giant cockroaches (Periplaneta americana) are now being employed by Amazon to work as chauffeurs for some of the top executives across America. The cockroaches heightened sense of motion and visual acumen make them the perfect species behind the wheel . They never require a tip and can open and close 4 car doors while never leaving their seat. So hat's off to the new breed of drivers. Watch out Oddjob.
Federal authorities are investigating the alleged rip-off charges by a juvenile gang in Tombstone, Arizona known as the Clantonite Tykes Their misleading signage only allows for just one ounce of diluted lemonade without a cup (which is an additional 50 cents) ,and each additional ounce is another 25 cents. The Clantonite Tykes have deposited an incredible total of over 1.6 million dollars in the past two summers ,most of the money in pennies in overseas untraceable Swiss bank accounts according to federal investigators. Charges of extortion, use of tainted lemons, misleading the public, and grandchildren larceny are among the charges being investigated by attorney general Merrick Garland.
Scientists , biologists, oceanographers, and ichthyologists from all over the world are arriving everyday by boatloads to Oakland Lake in Bayside, Queens, New York where a large humpback whale has mysteriously been swimming in these pristine lake waters. Although this is the first whale ever seen swimming here in Bayside, some scuba diving snorkelers have a clue to this baffling phenomenon. An underground subterranean passage connecting to the Sea of Galilee was discovered wide enough to fit a Mack truck through or Moby Dick according to a deep sea diving newscaster, Ahab Nemo.
YOU CAN TUNE A PIANO BUT YOU CAN'T TUNAFISH
The highly acclaimed tuning fork industry is looking for the highest qualified candidates to design tuning forks in this esteemed lucrative career. Tuning forks are now being used in a plethora of medical research studies and even used by canine specialists as dog whistles.
The possibilities of tuning fork designs is limitless and the wealth a tuning fork designer can accumulate is resonating among unemployed college graduates from around the world. The tuning forks might also open careers in menorah designs.
The USTA Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows, , Queens is now accepting applications for men and women for the upcoming tennis event. I have contacted the tennis center and requested an application to be a bat boy. I don't want to be a ball boy. I WANNA be a BAT BOY not a ball boy.....I want to bat some tennis balls, not just run around picking up balls from some tennis player's errant shots or well placed drop shots by the net. I WANNA BE A BAT BOY.
Engineers of the Bridge and Tunnel Authority in New York City have developed the most novel approach yet to be able to quickly move commuters between the boroughs .
The first planned Sky Tunnel is in its final stages now between Brooklyn and Manhattan. This new concept of another bridge over troubled waters takes an astonishing lift with the city's first Sky Tunnel. A tunnel through the air suspended by the Earth's own geomagnetic monoliths and cyclogenetic electromagnetic forces will save billions of dollars instead of tunneling through the clouds and dodging bird poop
. Mathematicians have figured out the shortest distance between the closest two points is a straight line between the boroughs and so the new Sky Tunnel will go from point A to point B.
The grand opening for the Sky Tunnel is set for July 4th so new riders of this amazing feat of technology can celebrate the holiday and be one of the first Americans to drive in this marvel of modern science.
I recall dining out with our daughter many years ago at a Friendly's restaurant on Long Island on Memorial Day. I was trying to impart on our daughter how aside from just retail sales and barbecues and parades that the real meaning of Memorial Day was honoring those people that died in past wars and the day is about heroes and brave men and woman who have helped make our country the great land of freedom and opportunity it is today. As part of our Friendly's meal, my wife and I each got a two scoop of ice cream sundae . their so called "Happy Ending " dessert. My daughter looked toward me with her puppy dog eyes and I knew she wanted a sundae too. So I decided to share my wife's coffee ice cream sundae. Needless to say, I let our daughter have her choice of the sundae which she did with 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream with cotton candy and M&Ms topping , hot fudge, whipped cream and a cherry. . YES, for me ,the ultimate sacrifice.
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